Monday, February 23, 2009

Something Amiss

Today should have been a great day. An unexpected hug from one of my favorite kiddos brought tears to my eyes. I finished an amazing door display for one of my classes and I love it. I finally finished rewriting thousands of words that I lost in limbo between Hubby's computer and mine on a project I have been working on. The last word I typed meant that I could finally sleep last night without nightmares of waterfalls spilling my words over a cliff. Hubby went in to work early today, so I had the whole house to myself with an added bonus of him coming home earlier and taking care of dinner.

What more could a girl want?

I don't know.

I have been struggling the past couple of weeks to hold my head above the water. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Some afternoons I come in and fall right to sleep, skipping dinner and waking just in time for the very last snooze alarm. My appetite is wonky and my mood is equally bizarre. I'm not angry, grumpy, happy, or anxious. I'm simply frustrated. Everything frustrates me. I spend my day arguing back and forth over silly things in my head.

I knew I was headed for a meltdown. It was inevitable.

Tonight it happened.

I was on the phone with Hubby griping about the state of our cluttered house and how it had me in a tizzy. I fussed about this thing and that for most of our short conversation. He finally managed a word or two and asked me what had happened to make me so disagreeable today. "I'm just really tired," immediately escaped my mouth. He mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot lately and asked for the umpteenth time if af had shown. I told him she was still MIA. He asked me if I thought things were out of sync again and I told him things were undoubtedly out of sync.

He softly mentioned that perhaps we should schedule that doctor's appointment we have been avoiding. I didn't say a word. He started to go over his schedule out loud and then said, "Call tomorrow and schedule it for next Tuesday. I'm off then."

My throat tightened and I could feel panic well up in my chest. I hung up with Hubby and promptly filled my pillow with hot salty tears. The thought of a doctor's appointment and all of the failure and pain that goes along with it makes want to throw up.

I think I found the source of my frustration.


Kristin said...

Oh honey...I am so sorry. I wish I was close enough to give you a hug or something until this moment passed.


Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I actually went through something similar, and finally broke down and went to the doctor about it. She said I have generalized anxeity and mild if anyone couldn't tell? LOL After being on a low dose of Zoloft for a few months, things are finally starting to clear, the frustrating moments are becoming less frustrating and I'm finally able to laugh again. I'm not saying this because I think medication is ALWAYS the way to go...just to let you know that if that's an option for you in your life, there's no shame or harm in getting some help in getting over the rough patches. Take care of yourself, and if you need a shoulder, I'm here and I understand. (((((((HUGS))))))


alicia said...


It is hard to take that step and seek help from the Dr, but don't forget although it is hard there is hope there too! Dr's can give answers and with answers come solutions! I realy really hope your appointment goes well on tues and that you are given a plan, that will lead you and your hubby to your future children!

Photogrl said...

I'm always amazed at how I can go all day, knowing something is wrong but can't put my finger on it. Usually within 5 minutes of talking to M., he hits the nail on the head.

Hoping the appointment brings some new hope for you and hubby.

Thinking of you...((HUGS))