Celebration

What are we celebrating?

We are celebrating the wondrous joy that comes with a sound and peaceful night's sleep sans the meds! Since my brief bout with roofing, I have been forced to rely on heavy pain meds to sleep at night. This week I have managed to successfully sleep three or four nights without so much as a tyl.enol. I hate taking any sort of medication (except of course my best friend metformin!), so to be able to function without anything is a huge relief!

I thought we would celebrate with a picture or two from that fateful day at the zoo...

A sweet little baby tiger

My favorite for the day. We hunted everywhere to find the newest critter before finally coming across this gorgeous anteater!

And for a little irony, a stork. I did have a brief chat with him, but he kept his back turned the whole time. Big surprise huh?



Argh! Blogger, you are getting on my nerves!

See what the rest of the class is showing

I should probably post eh?

You would think that with summer in the air (along with a few mosquitoes it seems) and children hanging up their backpacks for pool noodles, I would have a few moments to sit down and write a post or two. Well, that's what I thought anyway.

I did get to go and have a couple of fun days hanging at my grandma's. I love being down there with her and my family. There is something magical (and a bit eerie) about grandparent houses. Hubby and I slept in the room that my siblings and I shared when we were little. We played cards and watched a few movies that we had not seen since my grandfather was alive about 15 years ago. We ate at the same table and sat on the same patio.

It was great to be back there talking about our childhood, but it was very bittersweet. I have been there many times in my adult life, and rarely have these memories been so close to the surface. It was painfully obvious this past weekend that despite her adamant desire to stay in that house for the remainder of her life, my grandmother needs to move closer to us. Usually a visit from us means a scrub of the house from head to toe. Her house wasn't messy or anything, but you could tell that this time she had run out of steam with her cleaning. It breaks my heart to see her struggle with things like that.

Hubby, Sis, and I spent most of the weekend cleaning her kitchen from top to bottom. Sis and I noticed a bug problem the first night and when I mentioned it to Mom, she told me that grandma had already talked to her about it. Grandma didn't know what to do, which was odd. It gave us another glaring example of her mind failing her. She had just been going in at night and squishing as many as she could see. We took everything out of her cabinets and cleaned, then put down some stuff to hopefully get rid of the pesky critters before they get bad.

Dad worked on some things for her. He cringed when she said she needed her grass mowed. It had been two whole days since someone had mowed it for her. He and Bro put a drain pipe in her driveway. We grilled out and left her some food to eat on for a while. We all tried really hard to give her lots of good reasons to move closer to us. I can understand her desire to stay put, but I know how much harder it is going to be to over the next few years if we have to drive over an hour one way to take care of her.

The weekend wasn't all gloom and memories. We had a great time visiting and relaxing. It was really funny this weekend to see my grandma and her dog. She has this little chihuahua. The dog is a complete scaredy cat. She would starve to death if my grandmother didn't have to get up from time to time to pee. She never leaves her lap. She also doesn't handle visitors well and tends to shake when people visit. When all six of us stormed the house with our stuff, the poor dog almost had heart failure!

My grandmother got the bright idea that her puppy needed one of her "pills" to calm down. She is deathly afraid of thunderstorms and the vet it seemed had given my grandmother some doggy tranquilizers to help her calm down. That was all well and good, but about two hours later my grandmother decided that the puppy needed to go out. "It was their scheduled time." She went and woke the poor thing up and brought her in the living room.

I have never laughed as hard as I did at that little dog. She was st.on.ed off her little tail! She weaved and wobbled. She stared wide-eyed at Hubby for a while and finally went out to pee even though she leaned a little to the left and hopped on three legs.

I had a hard time going home Monday night. I didn't want to leave her in that house this time. It bothered me into sleeplessness that she was all alone (except her pup) and that she would have to take care of herself. I wish that we could convince her to move here in our complex so that I could check on her every day.

That night back at home, I dreamed of chasing gold fish in the field behind my grandmother's house. It was a bizarre dream with strange and fantastical elements. I woke up missing my childhood when those things wouldn't have seemed so strange at all. Being a grown up is just no fun sometimes!

Just for fun

My favorite S&T post...

A few months ago Kristin had a show and tell about some of her yarn stash. I totally related to that beautiful stash thanks to a growing stash of my own. I commented and a few weeks later I had a chance to have my own show and tell with a part of Kristin's stash sitting in my living room!

The shingles have prevented me from finishing several projects that have been started from pieces of her yarn. Hopefully, with my arm on the mend, I will soon be able to complete them all! I have a baby blanket in the works and a chemo cap for a friend of mine that is fighting breast cancer. I also have a lovely surprise for Kristin!

Sorry for the lack of pics this week. Blogger is being a complete jerk to me lately and my fonts and pics are getting all messed up.

Go check out the rest of the class!

Nightmare

I know I've been a bit sparse with the posting lately. I was truly hoping that things would fall into place and life could continue. I forgot to factor in Murphy's ever-present shadow in my world and of course nothing has worked out the way I hoped.

Two weeks ago Hubby's video card took a dump. It certainly isn't the first time that Hubby has caused a video card to pack its overworked bags and run for the nearest scrap pile. He loves to game and I love that we have a yearly budget set aside for gaming related casualties. Thankfully, this one happened to crap out thanks to a manufacturing glitch and they are replacing it with an upgraded card. So, what's the problem?

Well, Hubby happens to be the most impatient human being on the planet and cannot function without his computer. It was decided that my computer should take a little carpet ride into the living room and hang out at his spacious computer mansion. It should have only affected one post or maybe two a week. Wrong!

The overwhelming move to such a spacious and luxurious new abode distracted my poor computer and compromised her immune system drastically. She was caught off guard by a new and very aggressive virus that threatened to leap through the monitor and set new fire to my shingles.

Normally, we would just throw everything onto Hubby's comp and start fresh. This time, that wasn't an option. We started slapping pictures onto every available storage media we could scratch up. It was a frantic nightmarish experience that took place during one of the most labor intensive kindergarten graduations I have ever seen!

We thought we were successful and last night I sat in Hubby's chair with a contented sigh and began playing around with my freshly cleaned comp. Something happened during the updates and it didn't work out so well. I went another torturous night without my precious computer. I was ready to cry.

Finally, I sat before my sweet comp this afternoon and grinned from ear to ear as I tested out Hubby's handiwork. We moved all my things back onto my comp and Hubby went to bed. Ironically, the shipping info for Hubby's video card came through today and we should expect his new card early next week.

I wouldn't post this heart-wrenching story for you normally, but in the midst of saving my stuff, Hubby saved the wrong set of Favorites. I lost all my links to many of my favorite sites. I felt the tears well up and turned quickly to my friends inside the internet. I needed to share my pain with someone that could understand.

Blogging should be back to normal now. I'm afraid I may not be the very best clicker ever for a while though, and I may not have a chance to check in on all of my blogging peeps, until I can dig up everyone's place again.

Sigh...

Thanks Murphy! You always keep life interesting!

Road Trip!

There has been so much craziness and stress lately. When you get caught up in all of that and then suddenly find yourself at home alone with no plans or deadlines, the silence can be overwhelming. Yesterday, Hubby was asleep and I had the whole day to myself. There were no programs to go to or retreats to attend. My hand isn't back up to par yet and it was actually hurting quite a lot yesterday, so crocheting or writing were out of the question.

At first I was sort of excited to have so much freedom. I sat at the computer with my soda and lunch ready to play around and relax. Then, the stillness took hold. It was so quiet. I started squirming and I could feel anxiety well up in my throat. I can't be still like that or I panic and go nuts. I searched fervantly for a new game to occupy me or some great new project to hold my interest. Nothing. Ugh!


Then, as if "The Big Guy" was reading my mind, the phone rang. My sister had gotten her fill of current boyfriend and wanted to go get her stuff. She wasn't sure what sort of ex-wife drama she would walk into and did not want to go alone. I kissed the Hubby, grabbed my shoes and camera and yelled behind me, "Be back in a little while! I'm going to Kentucky!"


We picked up my younger brother and a few snacks and took off. The trip proved eventful with a bad accident and some seriously crazy rain. We still had a blast and soaked up the fun that goes with an unexpected road trip. Thankfully, there was no drama when we found our destination. Sis picked up her things and we all headed back with more laughs and fun.


I took a few pics on the way. I didn't have the memory card for my big camera, so they aren't great, but you can get the idea.


It never fails to surprise me how quickly the landscape changes once you cross over into Ken.tuck.y. I love the skyline of the city.


It rained too hard on the way up to get any pics. I was disappointed to see how heavy the smog was on the way back. It's still a nice pic though.

Go see what the rest of the class is showing....

In Limbo

My hand is getting better. I can finally type two handed again which makes blogging seem like a luxury after the few one handed posts I managed to squeak out. The week has been very weird and surreal. I haven't had much of a chance to just sit and type or talk out my feelings and frustrations. I feel like a diet soda just begging for a men.to!

My mom was told yesterday that after 31 years of teaching kindergarten, she is being moved to fourth grade. She's handling things like a trooper. I've been squalling my eyeballs out. She has actually gotten excited about it I think. I put on my "Yay! Fourth grade!" face in front of her. I truly think she will get in there and find out how much fun she can have with them and she will love it.

Still, she has been teaching in her current classroom for as long as I can remember. That is where I took my kindergarten naps. It is the room I walked into every single day as a child after school. I did my homework there. I got busted for drinking on a band trip, I cried over break ups, I told her I was getting married, all in that room. We spent many a late night up there working on projects and plans. It is like a second home. My mom raised all three of her babies in that room.

It isn't so much that she is going to teach a new grade. It just feels like she is being evicted from her own life story that upsets me. We will sort through all of her things this summer and move her two halls over to someone else's room with their history and lives embedded into the walls. I love our new principal sometimes, but I don't get why you would move someone that only had a few years left till retirement anyway. It's rather silly.

She isn't the only one being moved either. I think our new principal wants a clean slate and a new staff. She turned the entire staff upside down like a huge tossed salad. Only one teacher per grade stayed in their current grade. She was trying to break up the buddy groups and to a degree I can understand. Still, what a mess!

That isn't the only thing that has got me all worked up this week. There's the upcoming kindergarten graduation and the end of our women's Bible study. My sister graduated college last week, and I am embarking on a new college path myself. We aren't trying actively right now, but I can't put away the "hmmm now how close to ovulation is that plan..." mindset every time I schedule something. We aren't preventing. My husband actually laughed at me when I suggested that. Summer is about to start and I have been desperately trying to find a summer job to keep me occupied and to stash back some cash. I would love to blog this summer or work at home on something, but so far I haven't gotten any brilliant ideas. It's frustrating.

Hopefully, the loose ends will tie themselves as I finish off one of the greatest school years I've ever been a part of. There will be many, many tears this year as a great team of teachers part ways and explore new adventures. Part of me wants to hang on to every moment of the next week. The other part wants to close my eyes and hide until the ride is finally over.

Pajama Party

Here it is again. Today is that icky day that makes me want to curl up in bed and feign an illness. I think I handled myself very well this year. My sister and I staged a kidnap.ping for my mother. Since my sister moved away to college, Mom has been stuck in the house with my brother and dad. Poor thing is about to go out of her mind! We figured we would bring her to my house, lock the door, turn off the phone, and enjoy a girls' night.

It was a miracle I think, but we managed to keep it a secret and pull off our plan. When she got here we presented her with a new pair of pj's and told her to go change. We had a basket of lovely goodies to pamper her hands and feet. My sis gave her a mani and pedi ( I had to sit that one out thanks to my shingles ). Sis also cooked up all of our goodies. We had mini wienies, rote.lle dip with chips, wings, and chocolate chip cookies. We also picked up three girly movies and settled in for a relaxing night sans the men. It was fantastic! Mom is even going to church sockless tomorrow to show off her fancy red toes. I can't remember her ever having painted toenails.

The whole pj party idea, made it easier to celebrate. I felt like I was able to treat myself as well. It was the first year in a long time that I have been able to truly enjoy honoring Mother's Day.

I believe that we should all celebrate this day. We may not hold our children in our arms, but we do hold them in our hearts. Take time to honor yourself today.

This is a pic of Mom's goodie basket and her newly painted piggies.

Go check out what the rest of the class is showing today!

Where's the wildlife? Too cute Tuesday ( the late edition)

So, as I mentioned, yesterday we piled up 80 kindergarteners on a bus and drove over an hour away to provide them with priceless memories and experiences with the world's wildlife. We saw tigers, giraffes, elephants, birds, etc. They were excited enough to see all these cool critters, but the highlight of their day?

This was the part of the day where we as teachers were supposed to sigh satisfactorily over a job well done. Hours of planning, phone calls, reservations, parents, money woes, prayers for the rain to give way - it would all be clear after this moment that our pains had been worth every second.

It wasn't exactly the smug sigh we normally have.

Can you spot the wildlife?

Maybe this will help....

Yep. This was the star of the zoo. A worm - to which they excitedly exclaimed, "It's alive Mrs. Arian! It's really alive!"

"Yes, that one is alive, kids because we all know how today's zoos love to sneak cuddly deceased critters into their exhibits."

I Should've Been a Roofer!

Went to the doc today.... After going on a field trip with 80 kindergarteners to the zoo. I'm so stupid sometimes! What had started as a couple of blisters, turned into a nasty purplish blister with pink streaks running up my hand. No worries though. I traipsed through the zoo one-handedly escorting 4 very excited kids. We rushed all over the first half so we could make it through to the end. The second half I ran into my teacher that I work for and we joined our group for a rowdy 7. By lunch, the pink streaks had turned an angry red and ran all the way up to my armpit.

Getting my appointment was nuts! My little bro had driven my mom's car up there and he and I took off as the kids lined up for the potty before they left for home. We flew back, but thankfully made it in time.

The doc had squeezed me in, so I waited a long time. He came in, took one look at my very, very painful arm and said, "That my dear lady, is the shingles." By this point, my condition looked nothing like any shingles I had ever seen. I raised an eyebrow and he asked more questions. I explained that I get this at least once a year and that I had been to an ER and two other docs. None of them had ever given me an answer.

He started me on some anti-viral medicine as well as some really great pain meds. He said that the streaks on my arm would probably blister up by tomorrow. He asked if I ever had pain in that finger after it healed up. I told him I did sometimes. He told me that I have chronic recurring shingles. It isn't common, but it does happen, especially in someone that hasn't ever been given medicine for it. He was very honest and told me that we would hopefully get it for good, but there was a 50% chance it would keep coming back. I'm ok with that now though. I know what to do.

The pain is horrendous today. Hubby accidentally bumped my arm during dinner and I melted into a sobbing mess. That was with pain meds already taken too. Thankfully, tonight things seem a little less painful (could be the meds). Hopefully, it will ease up in a couple of days with these meds and I can finally go back to doing all the normal wifey things my house desperately needs me to do again!

I will post Too Cute Tuesday, but it will be later on tomorrow night. I know it's hard to bear the thought of going without for even a moment. Be strong though! I know you can make it!

Mother Nature please check your calendar!

Dear Mother Nature,

It seems to me that you have perhaps caught the pig flu and called out of work the past week leaving your little workers to run amuck and create this insane chaos down here! If that isn't the case... Check your calendar!

It is May! April showers are over with! Even if there were a few days left in April, I don't think dumping a month's worth of rain in three days is a wise executive decision. Planting season is upon us and I know I'm not the only one keeping my little tomato plants under shelter until this insanity passes through!


**** As an aside, you guys are awesome! It has taken a ridiculous amount of time to type this out. The pain in my hand is unbearable and I will be kind and spare you all the ickiness of an updated and much worse picture! I can't straighten my arm now b/c of the swelling. I do believe I will be squeezing in a doc's appt tomorrow!

Thanks for your kind words and your support even in non IF related issues. I would be so lost without you all!

Love,
Arian


P.S. Oh yeah and Mother Nature, I'm still holding out hope for that zoo field trip tomorrow, bum arm and all! I pray you will take prompt action in finding a place for all these flood waters between now and eight o'clock tomorrow morning! May I suggest that you begin by shutting off the rain dump valve?

Medical Mystery

*******Please do not read if you are faint of heart or have a sensitivity to ouchie looking pics.********

This morning I woke up and my hand was throbbing. I crooked my right index finger to rub my eyes and pain seared down my hand. Further investigation showed me six barely visible blistering spots on the outside of my finger at the base of the joint. I almost fell in the floor in tantrum like tears. I've had this happen a lot. I knew what was coming. I should have seen it last night when it hurt to use a kitchen knife. It has been a long time since I had this last though and I guess it just never occured to me.

I waited in dreaded aniticipation for the swelling to set in. Sure enough, within two hours my finger was immobile, red, painful, and the swelling was creeping down the back of my hand. Another hour and the blisters doubled in size.

I went to a very nearby pharmacy and asked the pharmacist on duty what would be good to put on it. No one has ever been able to find anything to help it clear up. I've been to two doctors. I should have known. I almost laughed when the woman asked in a very heavy foreign accent if I had been hiking in poison ivy. It was worth a try. I shrugged and did what I usually do; I closed my eyes and just picked an ointment to try (Fyi, anti fungal isn't the key!).

I am now sitting here with this stupid finger that aches all the way to my elbow. Eventually the blisters will burst and the skin will peel much like a severe burn. It usually takes about four months for it to heal. It is alway on the same finger and it is always on the side of one of the joints in said finger.

I am hoping that someone out there can shed some light on this painful problem and dare I hope, someone might have a solution. I truly think this has something to do with me going off met for a couple of weeks. I haven't had them since going on met. I had to come off of it while I was sick and have been gradually getting back on track. Curse PCOS!

If I haven't grossed you out too much, go over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is showing.

The Wall

The last time that I stared at a stark white hpt, something snapped in me. I think I hit the infertile's version of "the wall." I wasn't ready to see a looming impassable wall staring me down. I just shut down and turned away, sitting in the middle of the road until I could decide what to do next. I didn't cry. I just turned away.

Hubby and I have one more try with clomid and my doc. That last try is on the other side of the wall along with my desire to put my body through more frustration and unnatural turmoil. Clomid is rough on my body. The side effects I experience aren't unusual or extreme. Still, when that particular cycle is over, I feel drained and worn down. Could it be mental or emotional? Sure, I suppose, but one thing I learned through this process is how to listen to my body. That last cycle, my body spoke loud and clear!

We have taken several breaks over the last six years. Usually there is a degree of guilt and panic that settles into the vacant spaces left by temping and calendar obsessing. This time, with the wall staring down on me, there was no guilt. I felt no panic. I just had an overwhelming desire to walk away and never turn back.

The past couple of weeks have been very healing. Many people have come out of the woodworks with stories and words of love that I just can't chalk up to coincidence. The women's bible study that I help my mom do, just happened to speak so profoundly to infertility one night that floodgates burst open with someone very close to me ( a post about that later. It deserves a whole one). I was very affected by the lesson and brought it home for Hubby to watch again with me. It brought me peace and a decision.

Infertility takes such a strong hold on our world and I think that we forget how important it is to take care of ourselves through the process. To sustain a successful pregnancy and bring a baby home is the ultimate goal, but if we are not okay when that baby comes home, I don't think we can be the most effective parent we can be. I have been forced to allow infertility to rob me of the magic and wonder of starting a family. I will never have faith in my body or hope that I might deserve my deepest desires. I refuse to allow infertility to rip away the joy of being a new parent. If I ever have a child I want to enjoy every second. I earned that right. I have to be okay so that is possible.

I filled out my application for college a couple of weeks before our last cycle. My mom asked what I would do if it worked. My first gut instinct was to tell her "Don't worry, it won't." Instead, I just replied, "If God lets me have a child, I will do whatever is necessary to take the very best care of my child." In August I will become a student once again. I am determined to finish my degree this time. I only lack two years. When I finish, I think I will feel more together and satisfied with my life and my ability to parent. My future child gives me enormous motivation to get done quickly and do it well.

It's funny. As infertiles we search desperately and endlessly to be joined with our child. With Mother's Day approaching, we all need to remember, we are already mothers and we are doing everything we can to take care of our babies... even before they come to us. I don't think there is any better display of a true mother's love.