Terrified

I went back for my follow up today.

It's bad.

The pathology report shows that I have complex hyperplasia atypia.

I don't really know what to do with this info. This is rare for someone in their 20s according to my doc and all of the research I can find. Most of the time this happens in someone that is beginning menopause. With that being said, almost every single article I have read suggests that a hysterectomy is the best course of action. That's not what my doc is doing.

He has put me on a scary amount of provera. I usually take two a day for a week or maybe if things are bad ten days. He is putting me on a monthly dose of two a day for fourteen days and has given me very strict instructions to maintain this dosage very carefully. I cannot under any circumstances miss a dose.

I was always thankful that my doctor was so kind and explained early on to me that my hormone levels were a large reason why I struggled with my weight. I have cut sugar, all "white" foods, sodas, fats, calories, and I walk. None of it really did much. I could lose twenty pounds and then I stalled. He's always been supportive and encouraging about this.

Today his story changed. He told me that we are at a scary and very crucial point in my life. We have to do whatever is necessary and possible to help me get down to a normal weight. He was kind, supportive, and vague. He left me on my own to figure out a way to do this. I have no clue. I've tried everything I know how to do.

I have a biopsy in three months to determine if cancer is present. The odds aren't in my favor. He said things were about as bad as they could get.

I'm confused, lost, scared, and very tired. I've lost more blood than any human should, yet tonight I will start pills that are supposed to make me bleed even more.

I just want to crawl under a dark bed and hide.

Sad

In March, after our last failed cycle, I announced that our baby making dreams were on hold indefinitely. I hunkered down, enrolled in school, took on another job, and made busy. I wrapped my heart up with life and all of the crazy things that were going on. At the time, it was just what had to be done. Looking back, it was a way to cope.

It isn't too far of a stretch for anyone to realize (even I realized this when I wasn't busy distracting myself or lying to myself) that all of that crazy was my way of convincing myself that I didn't need a baby to be happy. I worked very hard to tell myself and everyone around me that I didn't want to try for a baby right now. I needed time to focus on myself and enjoy life for a while. Seven years is a long time to live in the trenches. I deserved to be a normal adult for a while.

Here is where it gets all inky though. See, regardless of whether I emotionally want to try for a baby or not, my body is still in a world of mess because of all of this. The only reason why I even agreed to try aggressively was because I had to formulate a treatment anyway. When you take the baby factor away, I still have a serious problem. Taking so long to admit that was very costly for my health.

I had a horrible weekend. I was told to expect mild cramps like I was having a period. My period cramps can be pretty severe sometimes, so I was prepared to be curled up in a fetal position for a couple of days. What happened was beyond my worst expectations though. Saturday, I thought it would be good to get out and walk a bit. We went to the grocery store and I leaned a lot on the buggy. We walked slow. It should have been okay. I came home, put some wings in the oven, turned on the football game, and I started to squirm. The pain just kept growing in tiny increments. By half time I was curled up screaming on the couch with hubby on the phone with the on call doc at the hospital. Two pain pills and 600 mg of ibuprofen later (all at once) and it subsided enough that I could talk and breathe again. I did not go to church on Sunday, Monday was a nightmare at work, and tonight, the pain is starting to grow again, but it is finally provera scale cramping. I can handle that.

The doc explained to me Monday that they had to remove a very large quantity of tissue and that my pain was very understandable. He told me to take it easy, call if I needed to take more time from work, ask for more meds if needed, and bear with it for a few more days.

Tonight, I was sitting here curled up in a blanket (I suppose all of the blood loss is the reason why I have gone from queen of the a/c to princess of the electric blanket! Dude I even wear socks now!) and Hubby kissed me. I melted into tears. I want to want to be with him. Over two months now! It doesn't bother me that we haven't been "close" as much as it bothers me that I don't want to. I can't shake those sneaky thoughts that maybe, just maybe we could try next month to see if we could have a baby. Just see what happens you know?

I sat there thinking about that and about college and school. I thought about how frustrated I am that my mom is so unhappy right now. I thought about how Friday my grandmother had a stroke and I am now forced to step into a role of care giver. I see all this clutter surrounding me, overwhelming me, but all I can do is whisper, "Maybe this time we can have a baby."

Scrapbook

I think I am going to make a scrapbook of all the procedures, medicines, and fun little labels I have acquired over the years. I'll include my hospital bracelets, injection boxes, a clomid label, the paper backing from my most relied on pads. It could be quite entertaining! If only they made a scrapbook that would hold all that crap lol!

I had the "procedure" done this morning. All's well I suppose. The real medicines that the hospital gave me haven't worn completely off yet, so I feel ok. I'm real sleepy and weak, but I've had enough surgeries to know that's normal and I should enjoy it while I can!

I've always worried a little about the hospital we would be using if we chose my doctor. That's one thing that beginners should think about when they are looking for someone. Always be aware of what hospital you will be going to as well, in case you do end up pregnant or if you need to have something done.

This hospital staff was wonderful though! The million phone calls this week were worth it. The anesthesiologist was already prepared to deal with the severe nausea I get from all the drugs they give. He had the nurse give me this little patch and some meds in my iv that have been amazing! I have had a lot of surgeries and I have always been violently sick afterwards. This time (of course I haven't eaten yet) there hasn't been the slightest amount of nausea, which is amazing!

The little lady was torn all to pieces because she couldn't get my iv in. I just laughed at her. I once had a hospital staff take over an hour and a half to get an iv in me, so two tries with just her and the doctor working on it was not bad at all. She even numbed the whole thing first which I've never had done! Gotta love the wonderful advances in medicine!

The doc did the procedure and I was out of there in less than an hour. He told hubby that I had a lot of excess tissue in there. He had told me I could go back to work tomorrow, but told hubby today that he didn't want me to since there had been so much. Thankfully there were no polyps or septums to worry about though, and he said that this could actually help us have a baby (wow!). I just wanted the bleeding to stop, but to add a lining of hope into the mix is something you will never hear me complain about!

Anyhow, just wanted to let everyone know things were good. If you have any questions about it please ask them in the comments and I will post a more detailed recount tomorrow with any questions answered. I did do something to my lip. I think I bit it. I tend to clench my teeth a lot unconsciously and I think my lower lip got in the way when I was inebriated in the recovery room. I now have this huge swollen spot that I know is going to be sore tomorrow. Oh well. They gave me good drugs to take, so I will be just fine.

I'm going to go try to eat now. We'll see how this goes. Hopefully, everything will stay down where it is supposed to. The nausea patch can stay on for three days so I should be okay....

It'll only take three minutes....

My lovely wonderful doctor is apparently the king of sugar coating. At my appointment last week, he discussed my "procedure" with ease as if we were merely two people sitting down for a cup of coffee and a chat. My favorite part of the chat was when he looked me calmly in the eyes and said "It will only take me two minutes or so and you'll be all done." After this, he walked me back to the office that no one knows exists so that some nice lady with a doggy sleeping lazily under her desk could break the news easily that this was a surgery of sorts with dopey drugs and hospital masks.

I left the office a bit uneasy, but not that worried. That was until the hospital started bombarding my work with calls to ask me questions like, "What is your religious preference?" and "What is the name of your pastor?" That bugged me, but I was still okay. Today, I got three calls. One was about my living will, my inpatient choices in case he decides to keep me longer, and a lengthy discussion about my tolerance for various anesthesia methods.

I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I am rather grumpy about this whole thing. I realize that this is a fairly common procedure, but come on people! Don't freak me out so much about the fact that there is this remote chance that I could die. Don't skirt around the fact that you are indeed actively seeking out a cause for my relentless bleeding without the promise of an answer or a solution. Please do not discuss my future children or the likelihood that I will or will not ever be able to conceive after this. Do not dare consider mentioning the big scary "C" or its cousin "complications." Knock me out, do whatcha gotta do, and when I wake up, tell me that I was swept out to sea while on a luxurious vacation in the Caribbean and knocked my head on a giant sea turtle, only to be rescued by my husband who has miraculously transformed into a gorgeous underwear model! This should be the only explanation you give me for my fashionable hospital gown and foggy vision!

Three minutes! Good grief!

I thought I was done with this!

I went to the doctor finally. I had every intention of finding a new doctor, but the line for appointments (gotta love small towns!) were six and eight weeks long. There were two places that could see me next week, but I got a very bad vibe from one and I have a bad history with the other one. The idea of waiting totally overwhelmed me after calling the tenth doctor's office. I felt the hysterics teetering on the edge and I gave in. I called my doc with the resolve that I would force him to listen to me and my concerns.

I talked to the receptionist (They are super great!) and she asked me what my prob was. I told her I was bleeding again and she didn't even question it. She asked how long this time. I told her and she said "Oh, well, I'm going to squeeze you in for one o'clock." It was eleven. Eek. I agreed and started to get dressed.

This appointment was nothing like I expected. The office was nearly empty and he came in, sat down, and faced me. There was no hurry in his voice or manner. I explained to him how much I had been bleeding and how bad it was. I told him I didn't want to worry about having kids right now. I also told him how I feel like the metformin is completely useless lately.

He listened intently to every single word. He questioned provera, but quickly recanted after looking over my file. I told him that it worked great. It did the job, until the next month. He nodded in agreement. He thought for a while, and then told me he wants to do a hysteroscopy and a d & c. He's worried that there is something in my uterus that may be causing this. He explained everything, then they invited me into the plush office for the staff and one of the ladies helped me set everything up.

I'm okay with this plan I think. It makes sense. It is the only way that I am going to manage to stop bleeding without bleeding to death at this point. I'm not even that worried about the procedure thanks to the information I am privy to within our IF circle.

The thing that upsets me is that I thought I would be done with this crap. I know that part of me rationalizes with everyone that having a baby right now isn't a good idea for Hubby and me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy motherhood like I want if I did it. Financially, the treatments are not an option either. Still, there is a large secret part of me that stopped because I was sick of feeling like my body was a failure. I couldn't bear it anymore. I hated fighting with my body and never succeeding. If I gave up and pretended it was all my idea, there was no failure. There would be no more doctors or injections. I didn't have to worry about ovulation, cycles, temperatures, hopes, tests. It was all over with.

Or so I thought. Here I am, right back in the middle of this crap again, and I don't even want to have a baby right now. I just want to be a normal woman with a normal life and a healthy body. PCOS affects so much more than your cycles. Your skin, hair, energy, diet, sleep, and digestion are in constant upheaval, and your life revolves around maintaining an extremely fragile balance to feel human, much less normal.

Sometimes, I feel like I may as well keep trying if I'm going to have to deal with all this crap anyway. I guess time will tell. I go in next Thursday. If he finds something, he will remove it right then, so I'm not sure what to expect. At this point though, I'm just along for the ride. I no longer feel like I have any control over my body at all. I'm not sure why I even bothered to try.

AF Go Home

My absence is inexcusable, but things have been nuts lately. Life is chaotic right now, something I hate, and af is still here. She is very heavy and I am afraid my body is at its limit with my uterus. My gyn consistently tells me that heavy bleeding and clotting is normal for pcos, but I'm at the end of my rope. I don't think he takes me seriously when I try to explain to him how bad things are. I can understand that some women come in and can be a bit dramatic or fearful, but my mother almost died from the same thing. I have reason to be concerned.

If I call him, provera will be put on the table. I can't take that stuff anymore. I have nightmares about that crap, and there are too many emotions involved there. I feel like provera is a symbol of failure for me. When that was called in, it always signified the end of a cycle and my failure to conceive. I can't go back to that place right now. I am going in the next few days to be put on the pill, but I don't want to go back to that gyn. Even he gives me bad vibes. I think that is why I put it off so long.

Anyway, I just want to know, is this type of bleeding perfectly safe and normal? Do I have cause for concern? Perhaps I am just being melodramatic about it all and I don't realize that everyone deals with this, but I don't think so.

I feel so weak and tired all the time. That is the main reason I haven't been writing. Don't feel bad, I haven't been reading blogs much either. I quit one of my jobs, I handed all of the household duties to Hubby for a while. I go to bed early, sleep late, nap all weekend long. It's horrid. Even now I am struggling to stay awake.

PCOS.... I hate you.