I thought I was done with this!

I went to the doctor finally. I had every intention of finding a new doctor, but the line for appointments (gotta love small towns!) were six and eight weeks long. There were two places that could see me next week, but I got a very bad vibe from one and I have a bad history with the other one. The idea of waiting totally overwhelmed me after calling the tenth doctor's office. I felt the hysterics teetering on the edge and I gave in. I called my doc with the resolve that I would force him to listen to me and my concerns.

I talked to the receptionist (They are super great!) and she asked me what my prob was. I told her I was bleeding again and she didn't even question it. She asked how long this time. I told her and she said "Oh, well, I'm going to squeeze you in for one o'clock." It was eleven. Eek. I agreed and started to get dressed.

This appointment was nothing like I expected. The office was nearly empty and he came in, sat down, and faced me. There was no hurry in his voice or manner. I explained to him how much I had been bleeding and how bad it was. I told him I didn't want to worry about having kids right now. I also told him how I feel like the metformin is completely useless lately.

He listened intently to every single word. He questioned provera, but quickly recanted after looking over my file. I told him that it worked great. It did the job, until the next month. He nodded in agreement. He thought for a while, and then told me he wants to do a hysteroscopy and a d & c. He's worried that there is something in my uterus that may be causing this. He explained everything, then they invited me into the plush office for the staff and one of the ladies helped me set everything up.

I'm okay with this plan I think. It makes sense. It is the only way that I am going to manage to stop bleeding without bleeding to death at this point. I'm not even that worried about the procedure thanks to the information I am privy to within our IF circle.

The thing that upsets me is that I thought I would be done with this crap. I know that part of me rationalizes with everyone that having a baby right now isn't a good idea for Hubby and me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy motherhood like I want if I did it. Financially, the treatments are not an option either. Still, there is a large secret part of me that stopped because I was sick of feeling like my body was a failure. I couldn't bear it anymore. I hated fighting with my body and never succeeding. If I gave up and pretended it was all my idea, there was no failure. There would be no more doctors or injections. I didn't have to worry about ovulation, cycles, temperatures, hopes, tests. It was all over with.

Or so I thought. Here I am, right back in the middle of this crap again, and I don't even want to have a baby right now. I just want to be a normal woman with a normal life and a healthy body. PCOS affects so much more than your cycles. Your skin, hair, energy, diet, sleep, and digestion are in constant upheaval, and your life revolves around maintaining an extremely fragile balance to feel human, much less normal.

Sometimes, I feel like I may as well keep trying if I'm going to have to deal with all this crap anyway. I guess time will tell. I go in next Thursday. If he finds something, he will remove it right then, so I'm not sure what to expect. At this point though, I'm just along for the ride. I no longer feel like I have any control over my body at all. I'm not sure why I even bothered to try.