Wednesday, September 23, 2009


In March, after our last failed cycle, I announced that our baby making dreams were on hold indefinitely. I hunkered down, enrolled in school, took on another job, and made busy. I wrapped my heart up with life and all of the crazy things that were going on. At the time, it was just what had to be done. Looking back, it was a way to cope.

It isn't too far of a stretch for anyone to realize (even I realized this when I wasn't busy distracting myself or lying to myself) that all of that crazy was my way of convincing myself that I didn't need a baby to be happy. I worked very hard to tell myself and everyone around me that I didn't want to try for a baby right now. I needed time to focus on myself and enjoy life for a while. Seven years is a long time to live in the trenches. I deserved to be a normal adult for a while.

Here is where it gets all inky though. See, regardless of whether I emotionally want to try for a baby or not, my body is still in a world of mess because of all of this. The only reason why I even agreed to try aggressively was because I had to formulate a treatment anyway. When you take the baby factor away, I still have a serious problem. Taking so long to admit that was very costly for my health.

I had a horrible weekend. I was told to expect mild cramps like I was having a period. My period cramps can be pretty severe sometimes, so I was prepared to be curled up in a fetal position for a couple of days. What happened was beyond my worst expectations though. Saturday, I thought it would be good to get out and walk a bit. We went to the grocery store and I leaned a lot on the buggy. We walked slow. It should have been okay. I came home, put some wings in the oven, turned on the football game, and I started to squirm. The pain just kept growing in tiny increments. By half time I was curled up screaming on the couch with hubby on the phone with the on call doc at the hospital. Two pain pills and 600 mg of ibuprofen later (all at once) and it subsided enough that I could talk and breathe again. I did not go to church on Sunday, Monday was a nightmare at work, and tonight, the pain is starting to grow again, but it is finally provera scale cramping. I can handle that.

The doc explained to me Monday that they had to remove a very large quantity of tissue and that my pain was very understandable. He told me to take it easy, call if I needed to take more time from work, ask for more meds if needed, and bear with it for a few more days.

Tonight, I was sitting here curled up in a blanket (I suppose all of the blood loss is the reason why I have gone from queen of the a/c to princess of the electric blanket! Dude I even wear socks now!) and Hubby kissed me. I melted into tears. I want to want to be with him. Over two months now! It doesn't bother me that we haven't been "close" as much as it bothers me that I don't want to. I can't shake those sneaky thoughts that maybe, just maybe we could try next month to see if we could have a baby. Just see what happens you know?

I sat there thinking about that and about college and school. I thought about how frustrated I am that my mom is so unhappy right now. I thought about how Friday my grandmother had a stroke and I am now forced to step into a role of care giver. I see all this clutter surrounding me, overwhelming me, but all I can do is whisper, "Maybe this time we can have a baby."


edenland said...

Arian, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending you love right now.


Kristin said...

Those dreams of babies worm their way into our hearts and our psyches and just never seem to go away. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you.