Balance

The school year has started out wonderfully. I have worried about so many things that changed this year. There is a new principal, a new superintendent, a new schedule, and new children. Last year was an absolute nightmare in every single way. The principal, super, schedules, and children made going to work a chore. This year, I love it! I love my schedule. I got to work with all the teachers I loved and my schedule flows well enough that I'm not overwhelmed at the end of the day. My mom is happier than I have ever seen. She has a great class and loves the changes in administration. She feels like she is able to teach effectively again and this in turn makes me happy too. I think of my mom as my best friend and I am fortunate enough to be able to work right there with her. When she struggles it breaks my heart and I struggle alongside her. This year, we found ourselves so relieved and happy with the outlook ahead.


In life there is always a precious balance. I knew this. As talk of the budget crisis in our county hit the grapevine I headed home with knots in my stomach. I was petrified yesterday when they mentioned having to let go of some assistants and such. I just knew the shoe would drop soon. I almost relaxed after hearing that our superintendent had dropped in and told my mom directly that he would not consider letting any personnel go unless they just had no other option. Still, I could not shake the gut clenching fear.

All day I have walked around, haunted with dread at any moment. Things were just going too good. I made it home and started a new project, enjoying hubby's company while I worked. Then the scales balanced themselves and the phone rang. My mom called me to say that she was in the emergency room with my grandfather waiting for them to transport him to the hospital one county over. He has broken his hip. I am so scared. All I could do was cry.

You see, my grandfather is a miracle. Really. He has been a farmer and carpenter his entire life. One day he went down to the fields to feed the cows and he passed out. He came too and managed to drive back to the house. He went in and layed out across the bed saying he felt weird. By the time he had been transported to the big hospital, they could get no pulse or heartbeat. They just looked at us with those eyes. An abdominal aneurysm had ruptured. It was very rare to survive one like he had. My grandfather beat the odds. The only lasting effect for a long time was the loss of control he had in his right leg. In fact the leg issues were from spending so much time bed ridden and not really a direct result of the aneurysm. He now has some major issues with his blood and he has a bad valve that can't be repaired. He would never make it through surgery.

My family cherishes every second with my grandfather. We have been able to spend ten precious miraculous years with him. We all feel that we were given such an amazing chance to be with him for a bit longer. It is as if God reached down and said, "I can see you all aren't ready. I will give you just a little while longer." We all wait silently, never daring to talk about it. It hangs over us haunting and threatening to crumble our happiness.

I don't know if my grandfather knows how much I love him. I hope he does. He has always had such a special place in my heart. I love my other family members more than anything, but he has always been so amazing to me. I've never really admitted to having an earthly hero, but I guess he is one of them for me. We share so many loves and I can connect with him. We "get" each other. Our love for reading keeps us close and although I can't visit often, I hold tight to those precious hugs and smiles. His laugh makes my soul light up.

I know that breaking a hip is a horrific thing for someone 70 years plus. I know that someone with his health and physical problems is another strike against us. I'm pretty sure he won't walk again and I can't imagine how it will affect him mentally. He is a silent man, never telling us that something is wrong until he just can't take it anymore. He loves being outside and misses working in his shop so much already. I know that life expectancy drops dramatically after a broken hip.

I'm so scared. I'm not ready. I haven't been able to visit enough times. I haven't read all the books he wanted me to. I can never remember all those questions that come to me in the middle of the night as I drift off to sleep. They are questions only he can answer - questions about my past and his. Hubby tells me that this is only a broken hip, but we have already snuck under the wire with him so many times. I don't think we can run or hide many more times.

If you have stories of loved ones that have broken hips, please tell me. Give me any peace of mind at all. If you are the type that prays, pray for him please. I can't bear him being in pain after all he's been through, and I want so much for him to defy the odds one more time to be with us as long as possible.