Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Melancholy Truth

I haven't been completely honest with you all lately. I've been avoiding the blog. It isn't that I am not in the mood to write. Actually nothing could be farther from the truth. I can't use the old "Just haven't found the time" excuse truthfully either. With hubby going to work at night now, I have a bit of alone time to sit and put thoughts to type everyday. Truth be told, I'm scared.

A few times each year, I go through this sort of brooding melancholy. I find myself pulling inward and spending a lot of time deep in thought. I think that is one reason why my crocheting has become this insistent need lately. It gives me a great excuse to be alone with myself. I have things in my heart that I just can't move past. I usually find a way to work my way out of their grasp and stuff them away for a while longer, but I've never been able to find the release and closure that I need.

Normally, as football season kicks off, and the leaves begin to change, I allow myself to melt away for a while, fighting demons inside for a bit. I've done such a great job for so many years of hiding this from everyone I know and love. I don't want them thinking that I'm still bothered or affected. Truth is, I'm haunted every single day. This year, I, myself brought on this mood earlier than norm. I've been trying to find the courage to use my issues in a positive way. I want to mark the 10th year with good. I thought by making this a positive thing, that I could overcome my feelings. I didn't think it would bring it all back so mucky and deep, threatening to overtake me.

My thoughts are dying to pour out onto paper. I want desperately to share them and be out with them. My fingers type the words in my sleep sometimes I think. I just need for someone else to help me carry the bucket so to speak. I can't. So many times I have been told to move on. So many times someone very close to me has brushed off this pain as something in the far off past. I feel so silly holding on but I can't find the release that will finally free me.

The best thing for me to do is to purge it all, to just let it out and let it fly into the wind one word at a time. I'm so scared of what happens once I finally let go though. What kind of person am I under all that stuff?

Infertility does that to us too sometimes. It is part of me that I can't just sweep under the rug. I can hide it from everyone. I can tuck away the corners neatly in a box, out of the sight of others, but at the end of the day I am still going to have to deal with that box. I can put it in a corner under a table somewhere, but every time I walk past, my mind still zeroes in on that box. I will always know it is there.

Do you have any boxes stashed away? How do you even begin such a scary task of cleaning out the cobwebs? How do you keep it all from collapsing in around you?


Rebecca said...

Ready with a hand out to help you carry your bucket...if you need. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Getting rid of the "stuff" is painful, and hard to do, and I myself have a hard time letting go of things. But, you're still YOU under all that pain and hurt. And if you can find a way to release it, you might realize you're a happier you because you're not shouldering the burden alone. I hope you can find a way to release what it is that's haunting you in a cathartic way. Here for you if you need some help. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

alicia said...

the reason I started my blog was to get those boxes out in the open. Was to talk about my fears and worries and let some other ppl help shoulder the burden, which they did. It was really remarkable, the more I talked abotu the hard stuff on my blog the more educated family and friends got about my issues and the more sensative and supportive they became. I never knew how huge a blessing this blog would end up being. I hope you can find a way to let go of your box, even if its not through your blog, I know it will help!

Lori said...

I've found that, for me, the best way out is through. Tucking it away only prolongs the process. I think your idea of pouring it out and writing it down is a good one. You can always burn the words as part of your process, too.

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