Saturday, August 30, 2008

On the Infertile Front Lines...

I haven't mentioned the baby making front for a while. I just haven't found it in me to discuss it lately. I'm beyond frustrated with my body. After one round of clomid my body has again gotten away from me. I had to wait a while for af to show. When she finally did, it came and went for a few days, so I missed my next round of clomid. I am right now 20 days into a visit from af and I feel miserable.

I keep telling myself it will stop and that there is no need for a round of provera. I feel like calling in provera is like admitting defeat I guess. I hate that the only way for me to have a successful cycle is with a pill every time I want my body to do something. I just want it to work normally.Tonight as I thrust the leash into hubby's hand and rushed upstairs, praying as I ran that my insides would not go gushing down my pant leg while the neighbor watched, I realized that it wasn't going to stop. I could go on like this for months. I want to just fall to the floor and collapse in to a heap of failure sometimes.

My doctor always seems so nonchalant about this problem. I wonder if he knew what it felt like to be forced to survive a full working day 15 days into one of the gore filled visits, if he would indeed be as carefree about them. I am exhausted right now, weak even. I have been trying so hard to work on several projects, but I find just making it through 8 hours is almost impossible. I haven't dared to grace his office doors for a blood check though. The last three times this has happened, he has checked my blood level and I have squeaked out a 12. He always shrugs and says, well, 11 is the point at which I get concerned, so you are ok. My body can't even be sick the right way! I always manage to just fall short of the line someway or another. Ugh!

Lately I have considered the option of bcps just for the simple fact that I would only have to deal with minimal visits from af. I am sick to death of feeling so disgusting all the time! Take a shower? What's the point? I will just be in here hosing off again in fifteen minutes! Laundry? Why bother? My clothes spend more time in the sink than on my body! I haven't bothered to buy new under garments for a very long time only because I would never be confident enough to wear them without fear of mucking them up.

And let's not get started on husbands! I don't know how many times I have heard, "You must be ready for some action after all this time hon!" or "Aren't you just dying for something lately?" Uh yeah! I'm just dying to be able to sleep through the night again without fear of drowning! They must think that we think about it as often as they do. To be honest, I cannot bear the thought of any hanky panky right now without the accompanied desire to gag and hurl! I just want to be done with my girly bits for a while! I need a break!

So, anyhow, I suppose I will wave the white (or crimson) flag of retreat some time this week and call the doctor for the dreaded provera to come in and clean up my mess. I will wait patiently for things to simmer down and with the definition of insanity so close to my lips, I will start this mess all over again.

4 comments:

My_Herstory said...

Hey lady. Try not to be so hard on yourself, although I can totally understand where you're coming from.
I wish you the best with your cycle. Stay strong but take the breaks you need!
Hugs!

Barb said...

When my coworker had a long af - they said provera would just start it over again and instead gave her some sort of estrogen.

Clomid Prescription Medication said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem

Arian said...

I hope things work for you this time Holly. I know how frustrating it can be. Sometimes taking a break from it all allows us to get back our sanity with all this stuff!

Those clomid side effects are truly annoying!

I hope you get a chance to check out some of my later posts and keep me updated on how things are working out!

Arian