Saturday, July 19, 2008

Anywhere but there

Sorry to have been such a bad poster lately. I have no true excuse other than avoidance. I have this feeling of icky frustration when I think about the place I am right now and so I spend a lot of my day skirting around it. Unfortunately when I sit down with my fingers on the keyboard those thoughts, fears, and hopes all come rushing to the surface and I get overwhelmed. I apologize for my absence and also that this post may end up being a bit disjointed. My thoughts are a bit all over the place right now. With that being said....

I've had a pretty busy week. One of the ladies at church announced her pregnancy with number two on Wednesday. I keep her little boy in the nursery and for some reason it just hit me harder than normal. I've gotten pretty good about new pregnancy announcements rolling off my shoulders but I couldn't with this one. I'm not angry or bitter, just feeling sad and left out. Someday.

I also went with mom to see my grandmother and to can veggies this week! I have helped with summer canning since before I was old enough to remember and this was great fun! I would love to tell you more but I think I am going to hold that for show and tell. I got some neat pics so tune in Sunday to hear about it!

Yesterday I spent the day working in mom's classroom. We refiled a lot of things and tried to organize her a bit (sometimes a seemingly lost cause with her!). It was fun and we got a lot done. We worked until around ten o'clock last night and I was exhausted when I got home. Some of the other teachers were there and it was nice to be able to see my friends again after a summer break. I'm almost ready to go back but not yet. I still have a couple of weeks thank goodness to get ready.

Can you tell I'm skirting even in my post? Grrrr... I'm still waiting. Clomid has been a fairly considerate guest thankfully. When I was taking it and in the week or so after, I really didn't have many side effects. I did have some hot flashes and I got sick once or twice but that was it. Fast forward to what I am positive is post ovulation and I am sick all day. I haven't been able to temp with this cycle and opks just don't work for me (thanks pcos!) so we don't have any definitive data on that other than me knowing my body. I have two possible "o" dates that are several days apart so we'll see what happens.

The past four days I've had waves of nausea that come and go. I have them often and at seemingly random times during the day. They usually go away if I eat something, so I've done a lot of snacking the past few days and so far I haven't tossed my cookies or anything. I've had bizare vivid dreams lately and as my day draws nearer I have been a bit more crabby at times. I think the crabby has to do with the internal struggle with my emotions. I have gotten a bit weepy lately too. No big deal there though. My bo.obs are sore. Not terribly so but annoyingly so and very sensitive. I just put up big yellow tape and traffic cones to warn hubby to steer clear and I manage. There are lots of twinges and crampy/heavy/pulling kind of feelings in the control center so I know my body is doing something. Time will tell.

Usually at this point in the game I am obsessive. I poke my bo.obs and examine my toilet paper under a microscope for any signs of pink or red. This time I am sort of - well - not. I guess it is hard to explain but I'm just not that obsessed or worried this time. I avoid lifting heavy stuff and I try to take it easy. I can't ignore the nausea or tender girls and the activity in my uterus is very obvious, but I don't get all a flutter with hope or disappointment and fear. I think about it a lot during the day only because the symptoms are so obvious this time, but I haven't spent more than five minutes with Dr. Google and I've managed to keep most of it to myself. Hubby didn't even know about the nausea until last night when I almost got sick cooking dinner.

I think this time I know that I have done everything possible. We did the deed every single night well past ovulation and I took my medicines and vitamins like a good little girl. We followed all the rules and I know that I have no control whatsoever beyond this. Usually by now I have a day and hour planned for my pee on a stick day. I usually have a stock of about ten different tests to get me through and I anxiously mark off the days on the calendar like a kid counting down to Christmas. This time I haven't even decided when I should test. I haven't bought a single test either. Truth be told, I don't want to. Part of me just wants to wait for af to show. I know on our first round of Clomid our chances of success aren't that great and I'm ok with that. I really just want to get this one done so we can start the next.

Does this mean I have no hope for this cycle? No way. There is another part of me that feels like for the first time in ages we have a real shot at this. It might actually work. I hope that it does. I want it to more than anything but I am no longer naive and sheltered in the ways of my womb. I try to keep my hope caged up a bit so she doesn't get out of control and we just wait. We'll know eventually right?

1 comment:

emilythehopeless said...

it's so hard to have a calm attitude with this crap.. i hope you keep feeling calm and i hope you get great results! love the pictures.. looks like a great time :)