Friday, July 4, 2008

Who is that knocking on our door?

I finished the clomid last night. So far other than a few headaches and the overwhelming sense that my reproductive parts are going to swell and burst out of me at any moment, I feel ok. Things have been a bit tense in the house the past couple of days but for reasons that do not involve mood swings or medications. It seems we have a few visitors creeping into the quiet safe little cave we call home.

The first thing that crept in was fear. It bit hubby very hard on the rump and scared the behoovits out of him. It has caused a shutdown in his emotional control center as of late and it infuriates me when that happens! He just wants to play his games and nod my direction on occasion. He's worried about being a good dad and doing things the right way. He had a rough childhood and it follows him making fatherhood a scary prospect. I know he does this and I can't do anything about it. I can't do much to help him either when he's shut down like that. He won't talk about it until something stupid comes up and one of us explodes in anger. It is so frustrating though. We took a break from ttc for a month or two before my migraines took priority. This is why we took the break. The emotional breakdown is just overwhelming sometimes. To have a baby is such a life changing concept and to not have one is just devastating. We're trying to be open and up front with things and check in often this go round. Still, it's getting mucky over here again.

This brings me round to the next uninvited guest. Hope. I'm scared to death of Hope! I never gave her permission to come in my house. I never told her she was allowed to breathe on my husband let alone wrap her grubby little paws around his neck! Hubby is so convinced that this is going to work and that we will have a little one soon. I'm not so easily manipulated. Part of me longs to secretly dream and start assembling the furniture. The other part, the bigger part, tells me to stand firm and not allow her intoxicating breath to lure me in. I know that there are statistics and I know that we always seem to fall in that "other percent." You know, the one no one likes to post because it means failure. I would love to be excited about this and gear up for mommy mode but thankfully our ever constant pet Disappointment holds me in place.

On top of all these uninvited critters having their way about our home and hearts, my in-laws are coming! What the heck!?!?! They very seldom ever visit. I think we have seen them three maybe four times in the two years we've been here and one of those times involved us renting a vehicle and knocking on their door. I had hoped they would come after hubby's mom hinted at it, and I convinced him to take the weekend of the 4th off. Of course they had to come during the week instead huh? Thankfully, he has Monday and Tuesday off so he can see them. They will only be here for a day but I feel like I have to scrub every corner! I have convinced myself to hold off until tomorrow or Sunday though so no one can mess it back up. I think I have the food worked out, but I am clueless as to what we can do to pass the time. I suppose we could always do what my grandfather told me to do and twiddle our thumbs!

So, today I'm going to work on my blanket and try to will myself not to think about things. I'm going to procrastinate on the preparations for our visit next week and I'm going to ignore all of our current guests for a while and play the bad hostess. Maybe if they see I'm not pulling out the fine china tea set they will pack up and leave?

*** This is not to say that I am not ecstatic that his parents are visiting! I love it when they do! I wish they could stay a week rather than a day! I just get stressed over the planning and the money and I hate knowing I will have to see hubby's face fall when they leave.***


Nic said...

Awwww....the hope thing. I hear you. I used to spend half the month (up to ovulation) relatively sane, and the other half on a knife edge, boob-prodding, knicker-checking, temp taking, gauging possibility of feeling faintly naueseous...and felt it all. I HOPE clomid is a winner for you xxx

Shaz said...

Hope is a b*tch, but how would we survive without her? Our addiction to Hope is what keeps us trying month in and month out. All the best for your Clomid round.