Thursday, July 24, 2008


Did I expect anything different? No. Did I hope for something different? Yes.

I want to know one thing. It is something that eats at me so much. It constantly haunts the back of my thoughts.

Why not me?

I want to know why God considers us such an unsuitable candidate for children. What do we do wrong? I see so many parents that I just can't help but raise an eyebrow God's way for. I mean seriously, they can have a child and not me? What the hell?

Is it that we just don't have enough emotional turmoil in our lives? Perhaps we are lacking in the tragedy department. Is it our lack of finances? I sure hope not! I can assure you that even though we have tight times here and there we could afford a child without the aid of Welfare or Social Security. Is it a lack of experience keeping us from the finish lines? I doubt that very seriously! I have parents who throw their children our direction and leave me totally responsible for more than a handful of them at one time.

Is it our family? Are our hearts so full right now that God feels we don't need our little person yet? If this is the case, I beg to differ. I always try to avoid arguments with God because ultimately He always wins, but with this particular argument I would put up a good fight at least! Perhaps His head has been turned as Dot and Dan take their baby home and our house is flooded with lonely silence. Maybe He just hasn't caught on to the onslaught of tears and sorrow and grief that overtake our home each month as the red sea washes into our lives.

I can't understand this. I don't want more patience. I don't want to have strength or courage. I'm sick of perserverance damn it! I just want to complete this hollow void we have in our hearts. I've been here for almost 6 years. Actually 67 months and 16 days if you want to know. I think I've waited in line long enough.

I'm going to go prepare the guest room and wait for the arrival of our uninvited guest and then pile up on the couch with the tissues and my new blanket. A baby blanket might I add. A baby blanket that I will make for someone else's baby.


Kymberli said...

I am so sorry. I have been in that place before and asked all of the same unanswerable questions. I am thinking of you.

Kristen said...

I'm sorry - I'm right there with you, although you've been at it much longer than I have. Just remember, God has a plan, and it's always better and bigger than ours, even when we think it sucks and we know better.


andnotbysight said...

I'm so sorry! It really, really isn't fair.

VA Blondie said...

I am very sorry. It is very unfair. I have asked myself the same questions, and I still do not have the answers.

Anonymous said...

Oh Arian, I am so sorry. I'm thinking of you.

Shelli said...

Here from ICLW~

I wonder too why my life has unfolded the way it has, it's a hard pill to swallow.

We just keep moving on, looking for answers. I hope we find them.

Kim said...

so sorry - hugs! I am on the other side but also at one time had your same feelings. good luck to you! iclw

Deborah said...

I too have asked those questions and can't help but wonder why? I am so very sorry you are going through this. This is the toughest place to be in. ((hugs))

alicia said...

ohh no. Sorry AF arrived. I don't think God is punishing you, He knows you heart and knows you would make a wonderful mom. There is some reason, that we can't undersatnd, why you have not had a child yet. Maybe your son/daughter will be some huge important person in our world, but in order for them to be that person they need to be born on a specific day. A day that is not here yet. I hope that day is soon for you.

Martha said...

I am so sorry. Sending my best, from ILCW.

Keri said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out this month. It's hard to keep the faith, I know.

Saying a little prayer to Mary for you.

Here via ICLW.

Cassandra said...

Here from ICLW...

I definitely don't think that God is punishing you or has determined that you are unsuitable candidates for children. I wish I knew the big Why for all of us... Could be random, could be part of the master plan for each of us.

Personally, lately I've been treating the situation like this: If I am not meant to have children right now, then I will do lots of things that I can't do (or are much harder to do) with children, like international travel, or handling hazardous chemicals for my pottery (which I would have to stop if I were pregnant).

I can definitely relate to what you say about being fed up with patience and strength and courage. I don't know how many years are enough to accumulate the right amount of patience and strength and courage, but 6 ought to be more than enough. I'm on 6.5 myself, though I can't say that I've been patient the whole time.

Take care.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry. Your post sounds strikingly similar to the one I wrote today. I'm tired of being patient when I see others around me definitely not ready for the task of parenthood get children at the drop of a hat. It's not fair. I too have made baby blanket after baby blanket in hopes that it would be for my child, only to give them away as gifts for my pregnant friends.

I do know that God has a plan. We often can't see the big picture but he sees it all and as hard as it is to let go and accept, He does know better. You'll be in my prayers.


Sassy said...

I am so so sorry.

I really resent my infertility for damaging my faith so much. It's so hard to believe when you're hurting so deeply.