Sunday, July 6, 2008

I've lost all threads of control!

I am almost at the end of my rope today! My body has taken on a mind of its own and I am about to scream! Anyone familiar with the turmoil of infertility can understand this I'm sure! Gone are the carefree days when skipping a period was cause for celebration - that is after you run white faced into the nearest drug store, peeing on the stick in the drug store's bathroom and skipping out the door with a grin on your face and a party in your heart. Nope. Those days are gone. I don't even think I remember days like that! I don't remember being able to plan travel plans around my periods either. I always walk around with not only minimal protection in case such an emergency should arise, but an arsenal of various tools with which to levee the floods of Aunt Flo.

PCOS brings on a whole new set of rules for the infertile to play with. Metformin always keeps you on your toes with constant fear of what each bite of food will bring you in the future. Forget scheduling pictures for your family! You will inevitably arrive bearing the face of a twelve year old struggling with the woes of puberty and acne. Once you have battled the acne and filled your medicine cabinet with a year's salary worth of creams and such from your dermatologist, there is sometimes a band of stray hairs waiting in the bushes to sabatoge any relief you have found in your costly cabinet! This leaves you defenseless and plucking while the battle of the bulge takes over, suffocating that tiny calorie packing teen you used to be. The result? An exercising, calorie counting fanatic, cursing the someone that must have super glued the needle on her scales because for some reason they never friggin move! This is all of course minor little scrapes and bangs compared to the true horror that comes from your drunk off PCOS Aunt Flo! She may not show up for a year, then all of a sudden she will rush in like a hurricane refusing to leave for weeks on end. Bitch!

This all seems bad enough to any outsider, but we all know the story gets worse right? Of course it does! The downward spiral doesn't truly begin until the clock starts to tick and the images of tiny little feet and drooling smiles take over our dreams and hearts. We try everything. We commit to a crazy calendar locked life, timing and waiting every step of the way. We take new medications that render us helpless in our battle of control.

This is where I am now. This morning I got sick. No biggie. I had expected it to happen at some point. It was a very brief situation and then life moved on. I took care of other people's babies for three hours and headed over to my parents for a day of laundry. I thought all was well....HA! Dad in all his penny pinching glory had set the thermostat on "roast" and of course my body went nuts! I have been wringing sweat since eleven-thirty this morning (note: I did not even leave church until noon-ish, but somehow I know my dad is to blame!). As I got up to switch out laundry I noticed that my back seemed a bit sore. Not long after the twinges of cramping and pain started. I was actually kind of happy for the first four hours. My body was working. That was a long time ago though! Good golly, how long does it take to lay an egg!?!? With all of the twitching, sweating, cramping, and such, exhaustion set in. My body feels like it is made out of lead! Oh and did I mention the gargantuan zit I had this morning? Ack! Out of control I tell you!

But....

Ask me how I feel about this (aside from the desire to run around naked and screaming due to the intense heat). I'm happier than a pig in mud! For once, my arsenal of drugs, creams, and calculations are working and my body is yielding to my command. Well.... I know, I know.....ok fine....

Darn it! Let me have my moment!

6 comments:

Just Me. said...

I hear you loud and clear!

With infertility, I feel that there is just no control over what I feel and that everything is on permanent hold.

Rebecca said...

Aw girl, you need a (((HUG)))!!! I too hear you very loud and clear, and you take all the time you need to have that moment...hour...day...whatever! Frustration is kind of like a fart...better out than in I always say! Hang in there girl...that damn Clomid will wreak havoc on you. Been there done that six times...need a shoulder I'm here!

nh said...

I'm with you - horrid PCOS, with horrid Met and even worse Clomid!
No control on anything that's what infertility brings!

Good luck!

Kristen said...

I'm SO feeling you on that! Stupid PCOS. Met and Clmoid sure suck-even worse together!

I remember on the first round of Clomid my husband woke up in a fit of trying to double up the covers because he was so cold while I laid on top of them completely naked under a fan on high dripping sweat. Haha. Oh what fun that was.

robynanne said...

Um, congrats!!! I think. You did an awesome job describing the wonders of PCOS and infertility.

alicia said...

ahhh the pains of IF!! so frustrating. I hear you though! I am with you! But yay for your body working, so excellent. look at that sunny attitude of yours, so awesome.