Monday, July 14, 2008

Monsters

I guess I've hit that spot in my cycle where the waiting and unanswered questions are becoming more and more unbearable. Today is CD21 and truly I just don't know what to do or where to be within myself. Because this is a medicated cycle all of my crampiness and bloating and antsy dancy emotions are unreliable and that frustrates me.

I went to a couple of my old message board haunts just to see if I could find any info about ovulation times on clomid and such. Instead I got this icky sense of dread as I read more and more about temps and obsessing and such. Since taking a break back in December, I haven't returned to the boards and now I know why. All of that craziness is just not worth it for me. *This is not to say that some people don't find great support and a wonderful network of people to help them on message boards! I'm just saying that for me it isn't healthy and it isn't working or helping me.*

I have symptoms. Who doesn't? I have hopes. Again, who doesn't? I have doubts and terrors. Everyone has those too. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I feel like I'm in a bad Godz.illa movie with the bitter and jaded infertile me playing Godz.illa and the me going through this cycle playing that teeny little chick he always picks up and threatens to swallow whole. Unfortunately, this time there aren't oodles of national guard and police type people maneuvering in swarms below to save me when I fall. There aren't helicopters and military type jets buzzing around the monter's head to prevent him from popping me into his mouth like a fluffy popcorn kernal. I'm just stuck in this icky tense "wait for whatever" moment to occur. This Sucks!

3 comments:

VA Blondie said...

The waiting is the hardest part of being infertile, I think. It gives you time to think of all sorts of scenarios, both good and bad. And,I think, worst of all it can give you time to get your hopes up, only to have them dashed when your period shows up. (I have not had any cycles where success was possible.)

Best of luck on getting through the TWW.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Thinking positive thoughts and sending lots of HUGS your way as you wait!!! :)

Kristen said...

Waiting is the hardest part of anything-sending positive, peppy thoughts your way though!