Monday, July 21, 2008

The end is drawing near...

So, if this were a normal unmedicated cycle I would expect to hear af knocking on the door sometime Thursday evening. This of course is not a normal unmedicated cycle. We are sailing in uncharted Clomid filled waters and I'm not sure what or when to expect anything. I guess I could say this is frustrating, but I'd rather try to be a bit more upbeat and say it is a blessing in disguise. I don't know what to expect, so there is no way to obsess over every little twinge or cramp. The dread and fear associated with "P-day" (pee day for those of you raising your eyebrows out there) isn't quite the horror it normally is since I have no clue if there really is a "P-day" for this cycle.

So far, I can say that I am fairly symptomless and I have begun to prepare my heart for a second cycle. I understand there is still hope and I cling to a tiny bit of it but not in that desperate helpless way I normally do. My girls are still sore at times and I have a fairly constant feeling of cramping or heaviness in the control center area but nothing that couldn't be explained with a rather intrusive aunt running rampant. The nausea that had set in so often has been gone for two days now with only one or two very brief moments each day.

Today really sort of set the mood for me. I woke up late this afternoon (yes afternoon!) and about four hours later, I passed out on the couch again. I am completely exhausted and all of the immense productivity last week seems eons ago! I can't imagine getting anything done right now other than the necessities of eating, peeing, sleeping, etc. I do get this way a couple of days before af and with Clomid in the mix I'm sure this is just an exaggerated form of my normal self. Still, it reminded me today that there are things happening down there and that regardless of the outcome I need to prepare for an emotionally difficult week.

I'm not really heartbroken at the idea of this not working, nor am I excited at the prospect that it might. I never expected anything the first try. I'm happy to know that Clomid works for my body and that with the right tweaking this could be it. I've realized that this is a place you finally come to after so many tries with infertility. You stop looking at it month by month and start looking at the entire stretch with your new treatment option.

I realize that it ain't over till Auntie settles her plump tush in the easy chair and like I said I still cling to a bit of hope. I think we all do no matter how hopeless we feel. I know that this could just as easily turn into the event of a lifetime. I just know that for my own sanity's sake I need to prepare myself for either option and not lean in too far on one side of the fence or the other.

I hate the waiting and I am miserable as it draws near. The emotions you go through are relentless and your hormones only intensify this making it a nightmarish roller coaster that you can't stop, no matter how hard you try to wake up. You just have to take it one turn or hill at a time and pray that you still have all of you when the ride is over.

As this wait draws to an end, bear with me if my posting is a bit sparse. I haven't really been moody or crabby with Clomid like I feared, but I have felt this building up of emotion for a week or so now and I am afraid the dam is about to break. I really need a great chick flick and a box of tissues. I think I would feel a million times better and perhaps be a little more emotionally prepared for what lies ahead...

11 comments:

bendingbackwards said...

Hi From IComLeavWe!

Sending you positive thoughts. Hope you are able to find a good chick flick.

Dreams Come True said...

Here from ICLW.

I'm definitely sending you lots of good thoughts. I hope that this month was a successful month for you.

The 2WW wait is a terrible time of month, every month.

alicia said...

A chick flick is a great way to release pent up emotions! I had the same feeling with my 1st round of Clomud, the 2nd round I had much more hope (not that anything happend!) and now the same with IUI's. My 1st I was like ahh I don't think this will work, now with the seocnd I am feeling hopeful and think it is going to work! Weird how we work thigns out in our heads hey? I hope you find peace soon!

Shelli said...

Popping over from ICLW...

Best wishes to you this cycle.

RM said...

Oh, I am *so* hoping for good news to come your way! I hate the wait and I hate that you're in it. Hold tight, and enjoy your chick flick. :)

ps- and thanks for your comment over my way!

Arpee said...

Hi Arian,

2 more nights for you...me, I just got on the 2WW train!

PS, the photo of the Amish "tractor" reminded me of home!

TTCinDC said...

Hang in there hon. Thinking of you!

Deborah said...

Over from ICLW.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!

Keri said...

Here from ICLW.

Hoping it all goes well for you, and that whichever way it goes you get closer to your dream.

seriously? said...

Here from ICLW. I am hoping for you. Keep positive.

Jill said...

Hi from ICLW! I'll keep my fingers crossed for good news this cycle. PCOS is no fun