Work Darn Body, Work!

So... I had an hsg scheduled for tomorrow. I was a great deal grumpy about this being Halloween and all. I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do but I guess Auntie Flo decided for me. I was really worried about the cost but after talking to the pre-registration lady I was ok about that and all the what-ifs that come with insurance and such. Anyway, I told her that I couldn't do the test tomorrow because Aunt Flo didn't want to leave and she had shown up late of course (she is the rudest guest I have ever had!). Well of course I get the only new pre-reg nurse in the building and she has no clue what to do with me. They don't do these often apparently and to top it all off my wonderful doc had scheduled me for two tests back to back. Now I only know about an hsg. No clue about any other test other than hubby's test. I really think it would be nice to know what they are going to do to me don't you?

Well anyway, after a 20 minute wait on the phone she finally came back and said the only time she could fit me in would be after my 6-10 day window so now I have to call back tomorrow and talk to a "supervisor" about what they want to do with me. I imagine this will mean I will have to wait until next month which I am sooo sick of hearing! I have been "waiting for next month" for five friggin years people! Enough already!

Anyway, I don't know what is going on right now but I'm about ready to roll up my sleeves and turn myself inside out for a good pep talk with my inner parts. This game is getting really old and apparently no one with a medical degree can talk a good enough talk to at least get the dice rolling.

Sorry for the rant today. Just wanted to update and well... rant. Back to your regularly scheduled blogging now....

Inching Forward

It is 11:30 at night and I have finally gotten home and settled in for the night. I stayed at the school working on a fun nonsense little craft project with my sister until just past 10. We made cute little haunted houses out of tissue boxes, paint, glue, tissues, cotton balls, and yarn (for the ghosts). It was the first time in a while that sis and I have really gotten to sit down together and hang out. She moved to a dorm about two hours away this year and oddly enough our sistership has gotten much stronger. The girl I used to lock in a closet or torment with ideas that our neighbor ate small children and our back yard was haunted turns out to be a pretty neat person after all. Don't get me wrong, since I got married she and I have gotten a great deal closer but here lately we find ourselves sitting on the phone for hours just talking about everything from the latest dish on our men to "Holy cow! You should see this stuff on my bathroom wall! What do you think would kill/clean that?!?!" (Hey dorm life and men can grow some straaange things in any bathroom even if you scrub it daily!)

So anyway, sis and I had a great time tonight just us girls and I think she helped me make it through what could have been a rough and carnage filled night. Turned out, it was just carnage filled.

I'm trying to creep forward with life. As of this very second I am scheduled for an hsg on the 31st and I know I have to reschedule. I am so relunctant to even consider the thought of doing this and I had to ask myself why I kept changing the subject in my brain every time the thought ran through. I know it is simply because this is just a horrid neon flashing light to me that I am broken still. Since being on the metformin I have been able to hoodoo my brain into believing that as long as I took a pill twice a day I could pass for an "unbroken." Now I have to dive deeper into my brokenness and I am bitter and rebellious about it. I'm petrified about the cost and even more petrified about the results. This isn't just a test to "rule out" or "play it safe" with. This test was ordered in my case due to some pretty serious incriminating evidence. The scaring I have from childhood raise red flags and I just don't want to consider how possible it is that I am even more broken than once thought.

I'm not sure how to handle all of this with af and hubby's job that I am adjusting horribly to, all topped off with my 8th (or 9th or 10th... I lost count) schedule starting next week. There just seems to be too much turmoil to add in the bitter taste of infertility. I'm not sure what to do or how to proceed. I'm certain that the first step is to call the doc's office and inform them that af has once again foiled my plans and slipped under the fence refusing to be tamed. For now I'm just going to try to get through tonight. Tomorrow is Friday and perhaps the relief of the impending weekend off will help me trudge through my call to the doctor's office and make an appointment again. Shouldn't be hard for the nurses to pull my files so it shouldn't take long. I'm the only one in the office that is filed in the broken section of the files. That's ok. I've worked my way to the front of the file obviously and I am planning a very risky jump in the near future to the "maybe almost close to being not as broken as once thought" file.... Stay tuned....

The Razor Edge of Hope....

So today I decided to be brave and buy a test. I haven't even leaked to my hubby that I was late. I was terrified to even consider the chance. I came home and gave it a go and (I kid you not!) whilst in the midst of testing "she" showed up. Right then! It was a huge smack in the face. I'm not really sure what to do with myself about it either. I have never felt quite like this about a negative or even AF's appearance, but today I just feel like someone sucked out the last drops of hope I had and spit them out in front of me on the ground to seep into the dirt and be washed away by the rain that has finally blessed us.

Usually I have tears or anger. I have frustration or bitterness. Today I have an emptiness. This feeling right here. This empty "why bother" sort of feeling just encapsulates how I feel about my infertility. There is always waiting and emptiness. My arms, heart, and home feel empty and there is a sense of desperation and yearning to fill up that hole.

I know that this is just a low point in the journey and that I will eventually dust myself off and get back on the coaster. Perhaps tomorrow or next week. Maybe even next month. Right now I would consider next year a more likely possibility. As I make it through the week, the disappointment will wear off and be replaced with hope for the next cycle perhaps. Some women have periods each month. I feel like I have much more than that. I feel like mine mirrors a much more deep and complex process each month in which I have to shed the veil of grief to walk back into the realm of hope and desperation again and again. Need to know about grief? Ask me or any of my other infertile friends out there. We live side by side with grief every day either dreading it, fearing it, or working through it.

I'm going to go cook a pizza, for dinner, hang out on the couch with the pups and induldge in carby pizza, sugary caffeinated soda, chocolately gooey brownies, and maybe top it all off with a glass or two of wine.... The only solace during my wonderful reunion with my favorite Aunt...

Ketchup!

Sorry to be so behind. I have been a bad blogger this week but things have been nuts. Hubby's new job is - well - nuts. He absolutely loves it and he's finally found a place with his kind of computer gaming peeps. He leaves at 3pm and I get home at 4pm. I go to bed around 10:30 and he comes home around 2am-4am (depending on overtime which he works a lot of in his department) and then I get up at 6:30. Anyone see any time in there for the tango? It just isn't gonna happen lol. It's ok we're just trying to adjust.

We have put off all of our testing till we have a more normal situation and we are more comfortable with the cost and how our insurance will handle things. I've stopped temping for now. My temps this month have done us no good due to the sleep disturbances, the inconsistancies in the outside temperature (When it gets the least bit chilly out, hubby loves to come in and jack the heat up to like 90 while I'm sleeping! He would keep it that way all year if I didn't raise such a fuss about it. Give me 70 all day every day!), and the inability to wake up on time this month. No biggie, we're winging it this month anyhow and I have to say it has been nice to just relax and not care this month.

I will have to say that having hubby gone at night has been a big change too. It is super nice to come home and not stress about a starving husband just as you walk in. I never realized how much time it takes to prep, cook, and clean up for supper every single night. I feel so pampered lately and I actually get some house work done during the week which hasn't happened since summer break ended! It feels good! On the other hand though, it's lonely. I miss him being here so much and I get bored sometimes too. This weekend was so much fun because we had so much to "ketchup" on with each other. We had missed each other's week entirely. Right now this is a good thing for us I think though. It is hard through the week to go without him here at night, but it makes the weekend and the time we do share more precious and more enjoyable.

My job has been a real mess lately too. We have lost the two top big wigs at our school board which has been a looong time coming and it has been cause for excitement I suppose but it means that once again things are changing. The two people that have gone kept the teachers in total turmoil up until this point and were making life horrible for everyone. We had over 20 teachers either retire or quit and more to come the following year if things didn't change. Finally the city stepped in and did something. All it means for me is that my schedule is once again changing. I had just gotten a new schedule last week and now I'm waiting on schedule #8. Usually you get one in August and it lasts till June. I'm so ready to just get in a routine at work and I know the teachers are too.

Anyhoo, sorry to be away for almost a week. I will try to do better! Stay tuned tomorrow to see if af caught the late bus in. She missed the 31 day cycle bus but last month was a 37 day cycle so I'm tapping my toes right now just waiting. I've been feeling a bit icky though so I'm pretty sure she's on her way over. I'm just hoping I can get it done with before the weekend. It would stink to have af here during the short time hubby and I can spend time together. That would mean two weeks of inconvenience. Oh well, I've learned that old Auntie is the stubbornest most spiteful heiffer I've ever known and she will not be controlled! Someday I will have the upper hand!

The Hidden Dilemma

Heya Heya.

I had several things on my mind tonight to discuss but for whatever I can't for the life of me string up a full thought for almost all of them. Could it be because tomorrow is CD31 and my temps went south for the winter this morning? I am assuming as of now af is picking up her bags from the terminal as we speak. Oh well. No biggie. We expected as much this month.

Anyhow, on a better note.. Hubby loves loves loves his new job! It is going to kill me though! He comes in at all hours inevitably waking me up. He is also gone before I get home leaving of course a path of havoc and debris in his wake. I'm still trying to figure out the whole supper thing but I guess we'll adjust right? Grrrr.

Ok enough stalling....

Remember Dan and Dot? Well, I've been more than certain that my attempts to bond with and befriend Dot have gone no farther than our front door. Tonight out of the blue, she called. I have to say (just because my guilt has been immense for feeling that way) that I was more than bothered that the phone was ringing yet once again and interrupting my half arsed gesture towards housekeeping. She has never called me before. I said hi and she very cheerily sent a "Hi!" back. Hmmm... Let's try something else... "How are ya?".... silence.... "Dot, are ya ok?"

I could feel her face crumble into sobs. It was so painful. It seems that they have put her on the pill since giving birth and it is cause for some serious concern. I have noticed as aforementioned that her moods and a depressed state has befallen her. Dan is far from supportive and understanding. He angers fast and hard when she gets upset. In addition her "desire" has all but vanished. Dan of course assumes she no longer finds him attractive (How on earth did men grow to be such arrogant pompous jerks that immediately jump to the conclusion that every feeling or tear we have has to be because of them and their attractivenes - or lack thereof?). This is the farthest thing I have ever seen from the truth. This poor girl would cross beds of hot coals, glass, and nails, and probably attempt to fight off the entire village of natives who put the beds there in the first place, just to be with him.

Anyway, sorry, rabbits are running wild tonight it seems. She tells me that she thinks (we've had several conversations about this and the possibility of post partem) that the pills are causing a lot of her mood issues and that she and Dan had discussed and agreed upon her stopping them. Well correct me if I'm wrong but.... If you were bashing your thumb daily with a hammer and it started to hurt or cause adverse health effects you would stop bashing said thumb with a hammer no? So what did she do? She called the doctor, discussed her options, and stopped the pill. (Insert man stupidity here!)

Dan decides tonight to come up with some elaborate romantic plan and of course he sent her previous notice of said plan with details listed in section b of this outlined plan with a summary at the end, alternate endings for variety, and an index just to keep things tidy. HA! Did I fool ya???

Dot told Dan that they would have to use alterior methods of "protection" (something I have to say I am totally clueless about! Why in this world would you want to protect those over dramatic and rather rebellious little eggies? Of course she and I don't live in the same world though so I guess I must agree to disagree) and he went off his rocker. "He had plans! Didn't she ever think about him?" "He was going to even drop the baby off at our house for said plans!" I'm glad he let me know about it! (phhht) She said she hated him being so mad but she was just doing what they discussed and didn't understand him being so mad at her. Dan of course hops on his video game and refuses to speak to her for hours.

I talked to her and told her she needed to stand her ground and understand that this is Not her fault! If the pill isn't working for her, it is her body and there is no way that she should feel guilty for taking care of her body. She is a new mom now. She needs to be the very best for her child and if that means not taking the pill, so be it. I did mention some alternatives such as the sponge but as I am not exactly the expert on such things I didn't have much to offer in the way of reliability and such. I am so frustrated with him being like this and I am frustrated that she can't stand up for herself.

Really and truly (Insert dramatic music here and prepare yourselves for the real problem...), I think the most disturbing part for me in all this mess is the fear that nags at me personally. I can't help hearing this nagging voice in my head that says, is it really what you want? I mean sure, we have been married much longer and we have planned for a child. We have cried for a child together. We don't have other children and we aren't living with either of our parents. Still, I see insensitivities in my husband sometimes that make me question him. Does he really want one as bad as I do? Will he be as concerned and doting as he says he will? I know my hubby loves to play his comp and he is the least likely candidate for the next Mr. Clean's. He hates it when I cry and gets frustrated easily. I also have a tendency towards depression at times and I occasionally jump into things with both feet and when possible a few spare feet I tuck away just for that purpose.

I need to know. At what point in the "trying game" do you erase that doubt deep down that you might be flinging dollars at doctors and downing medicines that make your life and those around you miserable, peeing yourself into dehydration, and eventually poking your girls till they finally pack up and leave, all to discover that after thousands of dollars and years of heartache it is not really the solution you were hoping for? Does everyone have this fear? Does it go away or do you just pray and hope that there is a happy ending at the back of the book?

Lazy Sunday, the Lint battle Chronicles

Not much to talk about today. Hubby starts his new job tomorrow so we tried to just kick back and enjoy life today. I didn't even cook! I go back to school tomorrow too as fall break has unfortunately come to an end.

I did manage to tackle the laundry monster into a semi-submissive state and I can finally feel as though I have for a short time (until tomorrow!) beaten the sock rats back into the closet for a little while longer. Oh how I dread laundry! To top it off, hubby and I took it down to be done (we go to the main office b/c couples in a one bedroom don't have kids to watch and therefore have loads of time to go waste in a hot filthy room waiting on clothes to wash and grass to grow!) and there was a bit of a wait on the dryers so we went on to dinner with Dot and Dan who were in major meltdown mode. We figured by the time we finished dinner the man who was putting his clothes in the dryer would be done. Grrr. Some lady came in whilst we were gone and dumped all our clothes on the top of the dryers. I hate hate hate the thought of people rumaging around in my skivvies! I cannot Stand it! While we were putting our clothes in dryer she came in and gave us the evil "I'm gonna curse any future laundry days you have!" look and changed out her clothes. Ususally I just put all of my stuff in one dryer and double up on the time. Tonight.... I put them in the only two dryers available so that even though her clothes were done washing she had no dryer! I can't help these tiny evil pleasures I indulge in at times. When I went to get our clothes they were again all piled up on the dryer wrinkled and all that. I was only mildly grumpy (HA!). She better watch out! I know her hip hugger basket's plate number and next time she leaves her clothes unattended I might accidently pull them out and dump em all on the floor!

This is sad! The only thing I have exciting to show for my last day of break is a vicious laundry battle with some woman I don't know who rummaged in our knickers.

I will say though we had a bit of fun with our pups today. We gave em a bath and Parkie looks rather adorable in a Yoda sort of way... if I do say so myself!....

I feel Goat-geous!

Well, I did last night anyway! My sister and I went to a spa party that two of her best friends did. It was so much fun! They are both college kids trying to make some cash and have some fun but those products were awesome! We started out with some relaxing music and a hand massage that never really got under way b/c most of the party goers were the girls' family members with kids under 5 running amuck ( Do their have to be adorable kids every single place I go???). No biggie, they had ordered pizza and there were some munchy snacks of course.

Once everyone had eaten and the kids were quietly tucked in a corner with a pile of toys (quietly? Really? Neatly tucked in a corner? haha!) we started the party. We painted seaweed masks on each other and lip peels. We played with micro "scratch your face off with sand paper" smelly good stuff. We used this hand stuff that was amaaaazing and played with foot lotions and other fancy schmancy stuff to pamper ourselves with.


It was fun though and I rarely get to indulge in things like that. I came home with a very inexpensive bag of goodies and I even scheduled myself a party! The girls need the bookings and I have a ton of teacher ladies that would line up at my door to play with this stuff after a long week. Plus I get a lot of free products that I would never convince hubby to let me buy otherwise! I made sure to schedule it for a day long after hubby's first check too! (hehe) Now all I have to do is find some chairs lol.


We got up this morning and hit the Goat festival. Well that was the plan. My sister wanted to go but not alone and hubby had invited the friends that were supposed to come over last night to tag along with us. We'll call them Dan and Dot.


Dan is a self absorbed sort of guy. He doesn't like Dot to go anywhere or do anything and she never fights back but sits at home alone with a mother in law and a new baby all day and all night doting on his every need. A week after the baby was born he insisted she start going to the gym with him and well, that's the way they are. He always gets his way and I love him to death but he ticks me off!


Hubby was on the phone with them for an hour this morning discussing what to do and where to meet and they ended up hanging up, taking showers, getting ready, and calling each other back to discuss details again. They are like school girls I swear! Dan decided we should meet him at the gym (?!?!?) so we could follow him the 1.5 miles to the goat festival (again ?!?!?!) and park side by side. He proceeds to park almost a mile away, despite the parking clearly available right there at the event and we unloaded two boys and a 6 week old with all that stuff that goes along with a baby and her stroller and we finally took off hiking.


Once there I left to find sis and they took off without us (of course) so sis and I hung out and walked around till we ran into them (at this point that was totally accidental! I was just gonna head home with sis and let the two "attached at the hip" boys and their side kicks do their thing") and went to find food. Dan insisted make getting food the most complicated thing I've ever seen and then after that proceeded to the kids inflatable jumpy park that they we had passed twice. Once there they were taking it down (of course!) and Dan and Dot were ready to go.


Had hubby and I gone together we would have wandered around, looked at the goats, taken in some music and food, shopped, you know. Had fun. This was a pain and it really upsets me a lot. Not for the reasons I would have thought though. Sure it was a pain in the butt and I was irritated to start with today but it terrifies me to think that we are going through all this stuff to have kids and become like them. Does it all have to be such a pain when you have kids. Is this really what we are saving so much for? I mean honestly we are stashing back enough cash that we could easily put a nice down payment on a fancy little house in the country but instead we plan to use it for injections and procedures and the like. Can't you have kids and with a little common sense planning, enjoy a day out with activities for both the kids and the parents without making everyone's life miserable?


All in all though, the goats were funny and I did get a great amount of sun and exercise. Sis and I got to hang out a while and shop too so it wasn't too bad I don't guess. Dan and Dot are on their way over now so the men can play their games and I can entertain two boys and a 19 year old mom and her baby for hours while trying to scream over the din of double surround sound war games. Fun fun fun!!!

Oh well, here are some pics of the goats to maybe smooth out the icing! You all enjoy them while I struggle through the night and attempt to figure out how the game ended today....

Plans, jobs, and goats...

We had this great plan today. We were going to drive to hubby's interview together so he could sign his papers, pee in a cup, and find out the details on his job. He was told to be there between 10 and 11 so we had plenty of time for him to sign, talk, pee, and then trek almost an hour backwards to the doctor's office by 1pm right? Phhht! You all should know by now that our lives never work out like this!

We got there by 10:50 (Snooze is a bad thing in our house! Add that to "Darn we forgot the keys!" and "Gas would be good dear!" and well we were behind a bit.) We had managed in the midst of the madness to overlook breakfast, but we were on our way. At 1:30 hubby comes out to inform me that we would be late to our appt and that he had been in there taking tests like a school boy but had passed with an increase in his pay provided he got the job. At 2:30 he came back out to tell me that he had the job and that they had bumped his pay up a tiny bit more once they got his school records and found out how far he was commuting. At 3:00 he came back with a real paper! And keys in his hand! Yay! We were off to pee in a cup! On the way he filled me in. He will be working 6 days 10 hours each. He will be on 2nd shift 4:30pm-2:30am plus an hour each way for drive time.

This is a good spot to point out that I work for the school system here and I work from 7am-4pm. I get up at 6:30 and go to bed at 10. Hubby will be leaving for work by 3pm and getting home at around 4am 6 days a week. Anyone see any potential reason why we might have to work harder now to procreate? Grrrr.

Anyhoo, we went to the pee place and were delayed an extra 15 minutes b/c hubby left a paper in the car they needed and apparently during that time he could have acquired some warm fresh pre peed pee from some anonymous donor. We then went back to the office where he proudly displayed his clean bill of pee and they handed him yet another piece of paper that had to be signed by the bank before he could start work because apparently fax machines are obsolete now.

At this point we are both starving, having missed breakfast and now lunch. We passed the "Eat Chikin not Cows" place three times drooling and never once saw the bank right beside it! Finally about to give up, we saw it and got that part of the day over with. After returning with the final paper they gave him his info about where to go etc and we were off!

Needless to say, we missed our appointment with the doctor, but we are just going to reschedule for our original appointment tomorrow and hubby can drop off the guys Monday morning. We managed to stop and eat before heading home and even rented a movie.

Once home lil bro stopped by to hang out and play a computer game with me and lil sis called finally to give me details on a spa party I had forgotten about and to finalize details about our Saturday fun!

Saturday.... is.... the... Goat Festival!!!! Yes it is true, we here in my tiny town celebrate our superior mating skills and the subsequent formation of the infamous fainting goat! There is music, fried food of all kinds, shopping, and of course the goat beauty show!

I'm excited, silly as it may be! We always have fun! Happy Friday!!!

Yay! Just in time!

Wow! What a beautiful day! It has cooled down here today and the sun is shining. Wonderful!

Anyway I was super excited to check the mail today and find my bracelet in the mail today! Serenity let it out that Bella Vida was doing something wonderful and my nosy self just had to go check it out! Stop by Bella Vida's today and get your very own bracelet!

I'm going to throw in Stirrup Queen's original post while I'm at it. Go take a look see and get the scoop on how it all started.

Hubby's SA is scheduled after much hemming and hawing with my doctor's assistant and the urologist's assistant for tomorrow afternoon. We will go in to "consult" with the doctor tomorrow and receive our "specimen collector." On Friday morning one of us (hehe hubby) will procure the specimen and we will whisk the little guys quickly to the doctor's office. I'm not sure how they expect us, living 45 minutes away, to get the little guys to the doc's office to be rushed over to the lab to be inspected within an hour, but by golly we're gonna try!

My hsg has been tentatively scheduled for Oct. 31st. Yup that's right! Whilst little goblins and ghouls are eagerly day dreaming of sugar saturated stupors and fanciful visits to their neighbors to beg for life's greatest candy goodness, I my friends, will don a paper gown, expose my girly bits to the world of radiology, and be injected with yummy gobbity gook which will later cause uncomfortable cramping and leakage sure to make any zombie or lagoony swamp critter proud!

That is, as long as my Aunt (Oh that pesky aunt!) cooperates! And barring any unlikely (HA!)double lines on those things I maintain a love, hate, pee relationship with.....

The Good with the Bad

Yesterday was a full day! I took hubby to work so that I could go out with a friend yesterday. She was afraid it would rain though and didn't want the baby out so we postponed our day. Anyway, hubby called me and said I had to come pick him up from work. They let him go yesterday. We've been expecting this for a long time. He was hurt at work and they gave him a really hard time about it. This company is notorious for booting injured workers. Oh well, he's looking full time now and hopefully he will be working by Monday.

We were dealing with that when our neighbor (We'll call him Joe, which is decidedly shorter to type than neighbor dude) popped in and asked hubby to come and help him with his computer. They have been working on his computer for several days now and finally narrowed it down to the RAM.

To give a bit of history on Joe: He's a computer guy who was injured in the military before being deployed and spends his time holed up playing games and such. He's the nicest guy I know and he's alone most of the time. He hasn't worked in a very long time and yesterday he got his first pay check from his new job that happens to pay very well!

He asked us yesterday to go out with him. We stopped off at the "Geeks R Us" store where he and hubby drooled over all the circuit boards for a while and then finally got the much desired RAM. Joe took us out to eat at a wonderful restaurant after. Hubby and I had some free movie tickets and we all went to see a movie afterwards and while waiting for the movie to start, Joe and Hubby played arcade games for almost an hour. They were like five year olds in a candy store with no adult supervision! After the movie Joe stopped to get a nice bottle of wine and some "jack" for hubby. We went back to our place where the two computer gurus set to work on Joe's comp and enjoyed a few drinks. Once Joe's computer was going they stayed up and played video games for a long time. I myself scooted off to bed with only the pups to keep me warm. It was a great night though and it made the rough morning not so bad.

So anyway, back to the ttc front...
The doctor's office called to confirm hubby's SA in the middle of us getting ready to go out. They are running it through our insurance for now which cuts the cost in half for us. I hope it sticks but this test isn't our concern. It is mine that is so concerning. The nurse had no news on my hsg and said she would let me know as soon as she found out more about it.

Hubby was funny about the SA. I was sure he would be all "Nuh uh! Not gonna happen! No way am I droppin my drawers and doin my buisness in a doc's office!" but surprisingly he laughed and asked if I would come and join him. He said we could make it fun and adventurous. Men!

Well, that is where we are right now. I had plans on tackling our mountain of laundry but I think I have tabled those plans for some r&r today. I'm trying to ignore the fact that FF says I'm 9dpo today and I want to enjoy every second of my break that I have left. Happy Wednesday!!!!

The end of the beginning

I did this once before and felt too naive and inexperienced to even begin to fathom the heartaches of infertility. Things have changed.

In March after a 5 month visit for the first time in a year with my Aunt Flo I finally went to the doctor. Of course I wasn't as concerned about the anemia and my tendency to fall out in the floor surrounded by three year olds as I was about "Why can't I get pregnant?" My doc was new to the town and at the time he was commuting some three hours one way once a week to see patients until he could establish his office. He was wonderful though! So positive and easy going. He threw around some fancy words like Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and Insulin Resistance. Oh yeah don't forget free testosterone, LH/FSH ratio, and of course the ever so wonderful annovulatory! Yup this was me.

To back track a bit my husband and I had been married for four years. We had been actively trying for as many years only we had both been terrified to involve the medical community in our personal and intimate "bits." I knew if we went to the doctors they would all say "You're broken and we're gonna slice, dice, poke, and prod till we get the answers." So we timed things and took an hpt every month (just in case!) and we cried and tried. Now finally this doctor gave me hope. He gave my problem a name and made it seem so easy to fix. Stir in some Provera to get things boiling, add a dash of Metformin, set the timer to baste regularly, and by Christmas we would be passing out the "Guess what" speeches. Hmph!

Provera worked like a champ. It was a horrid, painful, gruesome little goblin of a champ but it worked. The metformin.... well that's a whole other can of poo. It took a couple of weeks to get things figured out with the metformin. I had debilitating fatigue and at the time worked with 20 three year olds each day. Finally summer break came and the fatigue gradually wore off as I tweaked - no sliced, slashed, and dismembered my diet. I cut out all sugars minus a couple of fruits on the low scale of the glycemic index. I wiped out all of my white flours and hacked off my corn and most legumes. Then I tackled the potato monster to the ground and sucker punched him into oblivion. Finally I could breathe without needing a nap! My GI issues subsided and life resumed with a new hopefulness. We were gonna have a baby!

We tried the metformin with wonderful success for a few months (5) and I managed to drop 30 pounds and kick all artificial sweetners during that time. That in turn juiced up my water intake to almost 96 ounces a day!!! ( I spent a large portion of my summer peeing!). During all of this we had moved into a new apartment. I found a job closer to home so that in the event of a pregnancy I wouldn't be commuting and I wouldn't have nearly as stressful a job as I had before. I had the same benefits but we had to wait a couple of months for them to roll over.

Fast forward past three months of horrible waiting, pacing, and peeing. Four or five calls to the doctor to ask "what if" questions and rearrange appointments to coincide with that ever so wonderful 14 dpo. We had a few monumental "I never want to drop my knickers for you or breathe in your general direction again" arguments and then a few nights of "Can't we squeeze 25 hours of snuggling in before we start tomorrow?"

Today I went to my doc and he gave me the end of the beginning.
I was supposed to go in for a simple, "Wow! 30 pounds! Wow! Look at those temps and that cycle! Here, let's have a party complete with rubber glove balloons and a round of p4 tests on the house! Oh and happy day! Here's a script for clomid! See ya in three months just like we discussed!

Wrong!

As I said my doc is new in town (not new as in young and handsome just new as in he moved here to be closer to his aging parents. A very noble thing in and of itself.) and he has a new fangle-dangled computer thingy that he wanted to input my info in. So here we go, thyroid disease, hypertension, cancer, diabetes, paternal, maternal, blah blah... Ah yes.... What surgeries did you say you had again? Adhesions... Hmmm stop right there....

I had a surgery as a young child that resulted in adhesions (scar tissue) forming around my appendix. Four years later I had to have my appendix removed after it was blocked up and tried to explode. The 20 minute surgery turned into an hour and a half and my one inch scar stretched to a massive nine inches! Then at sixteen I was told by a gyn that reproductive issues weren't a concern at my age and that an internal surgeon could help alleviate my pain by removing some scar tissue for me.

This led my new and wonderful, head cheerleader worthy doctor to prescribe an hsg and an S.A. for hubby and I. These tests mark a crossroad for us. Behind door number one... we get a 3 month go with clomid and a little boost of progesterone. Behind door number two... dh has a bad report and we walk down the hall to IUIs of course not covered by insurance. Door number three... now there's the kicker! Behind door number three is the reality that I have a blockage compounded by my body's inability to heal without massive scaring and we are carted off to the wonderful world of IVF. This ladies and gentlemen is the end of the beginning....