The Razor Edge of Hope....

So today I decided to be brave and buy a test. I haven't even leaked to my hubby that I was late. I was terrified to even consider the chance. I came home and gave it a go and (I kid you not!) whilst in the midst of testing "she" showed up. Right then! It was a huge smack in the face. I'm not really sure what to do with myself about it either. I have never felt quite like this about a negative or even AF's appearance, but today I just feel like someone sucked out the last drops of hope I had and spit them out in front of me on the ground to seep into the dirt and be washed away by the rain that has finally blessed us.

Usually I have tears or anger. I have frustration or bitterness. Today I have an emptiness. This feeling right here. This empty "why bother" sort of feeling just encapsulates how I feel about my infertility. There is always waiting and emptiness. My arms, heart, and home feel empty and there is a sense of desperation and yearning to fill up that hole.

I know that this is just a low point in the journey and that I will eventually dust myself off and get back on the coaster. Perhaps tomorrow or next week. Maybe even next month. Right now I would consider next year a more likely possibility. As I make it through the week, the disappointment will wear off and be replaced with hope for the next cycle perhaps. Some women have periods each month. I feel like I have much more than that. I feel like mine mirrors a much more deep and complex process each month in which I have to shed the veil of grief to walk back into the realm of hope and desperation again and again. Need to know about grief? Ask me or any of my other infertile friends out there. We live side by side with grief every day either dreading it, fearing it, or working through it.

I'm going to go cook a pizza, for dinner, hang out on the couch with the pups and induldge in carby pizza, sugary caffeinated soda, chocolately gooey brownies, and maybe top it all off with a glass or two of wine.... The only solace during my wonderful reunion with my favorite Aunt...