Thursday, October 25, 2007

Inching Forward

It is 11:30 at night and I have finally gotten home and settled in for the night. I stayed at the school working on a fun nonsense little craft project with my sister until just past 10. We made cute little haunted houses out of tissue boxes, paint, glue, tissues, cotton balls, and yarn (for the ghosts). It was the first time in a while that sis and I have really gotten to sit down together and hang out. She moved to a dorm about two hours away this year and oddly enough our sistership has gotten much stronger. The girl I used to lock in a closet or torment with ideas that our neighbor ate small children and our back yard was haunted turns out to be a pretty neat person after all. Don't get me wrong, since I got married she and I have gotten a great deal closer but here lately we find ourselves sitting on the phone for hours just talking about everything from the latest dish on our men to "Holy cow! You should see this stuff on my bathroom wall! What do you think would kill/clean that?!?!" (Hey dorm life and men can grow some straaange things in any bathroom even if you scrub it daily!)

So anyway, sis and I had a great time tonight just us girls and I think she helped me make it through what could have been a rough and carnage filled night. Turned out, it was just carnage filled.

I'm trying to creep forward with life. As of this very second I am scheduled for an hsg on the 31st and I know I have to reschedule. I am so relunctant to even consider the thought of doing this and I had to ask myself why I kept changing the subject in my brain every time the thought ran through. I know it is simply because this is just a horrid neon flashing light to me that I am broken still. Since being on the metformin I have been able to hoodoo my brain into believing that as long as I took a pill twice a day I could pass for an "unbroken." Now I have to dive deeper into my brokenness and I am bitter and rebellious about it. I'm petrified about the cost and even more petrified about the results. This isn't just a test to "rule out" or "play it safe" with. This test was ordered in my case due to some pretty serious incriminating evidence. The scaring I have from childhood raise red flags and I just don't want to consider how possible it is that I am even more broken than once thought.

I'm not sure how to handle all of this with af and hubby's job that I am adjusting horribly to, all topped off with my 8th (or 9th or 10th... I lost count) schedule starting next week. There just seems to be too much turmoil to add in the bitter taste of infertility. I'm not sure what to do or how to proceed. I'm certain that the first step is to call the doc's office and inform them that af has once again foiled my plans and slipped under the fence refusing to be tamed. For now I'm just going to try to get through tonight. Tomorrow is Friday and perhaps the relief of the impending weekend off will help me trudge through my call to the doctor's office and make an appointment again. Shouldn't be hard for the nurses to pull my files so it shouldn't take long. I'm the only one in the office that is filed in the broken section of the files. That's ok. I've worked my way to the front of the file obviously and I am planning a very risky jump in the near future to the "maybe almost close to being not as broken as once thought" file.... Stay tuned....

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