The Hidden Dilemma

Heya Heya.

I had several things on my mind tonight to discuss but for whatever I can't for the life of me string up a full thought for almost all of them. Could it be because tomorrow is CD31 and my temps went south for the winter this morning? I am assuming as of now af is picking up her bags from the terminal as we speak. Oh well. No biggie. We expected as much this month.

Anyhow, on a better note.. Hubby loves loves loves his new job! It is going to kill me though! He comes in at all hours inevitably waking me up. He is also gone before I get home leaving of course a path of havoc and debris in his wake. I'm still trying to figure out the whole supper thing but I guess we'll adjust right? Grrrr.

Ok enough stalling....

Remember Dan and Dot? Well, I've been more than certain that my attempts to bond with and befriend Dot have gone no farther than our front door. Tonight out of the blue, she called. I have to say (just because my guilt has been immense for feeling that way) that I was more than bothered that the phone was ringing yet once again and interrupting my half arsed gesture towards housekeeping. She has never called me before. I said hi and she very cheerily sent a "Hi!" back. Hmmm... Let's try something else... "How are ya?".... silence.... "Dot, are ya ok?"

I could feel her face crumble into sobs. It was so painful. It seems that they have put her on the pill since giving birth and it is cause for some serious concern. I have noticed as aforementioned that her moods and a depressed state has befallen her. Dan is far from supportive and understanding. He angers fast and hard when she gets upset. In addition her "desire" has all but vanished. Dan of course assumes she no longer finds him attractive (How on earth did men grow to be such arrogant pompous jerks that immediately jump to the conclusion that every feeling or tear we have has to be because of them and their attractivenes - or lack thereof?). This is the farthest thing I have ever seen from the truth. This poor girl would cross beds of hot coals, glass, and nails, and probably attempt to fight off the entire village of natives who put the beds there in the first place, just to be with him.

Anyway, sorry, rabbits are running wild tonight it seems. She tells me that she thinks (we've had several conversations about this and the possibility of post partem) that the pills are causing a lot of her mood issues and that she and Dan had discussed and agreed upon her stopping them. Well correct me if I'm wrong but.... If you were bashing your thumb daily with a hammer and it started to hurt or cause adverse health effects you would stop bashing said thumb with a hammer no? So what did she do? She called the doctor, discussed her options, and stopped the pill. (Insert man stupidity here!)

Dan decides tonight to come up with some elaborate romantic plan and of course he sent her previous notice of said plan with details listed in section b of this outlined plan with a summary at the end, alternate endings for variety, and an index just to keep things tidy. HA! Did I fool ya???

Dot told Dan that they would have to use alterior methods of "protection" (something I have to say I am totally clueless about! Why in this world would you want to protect those over dramatic and rather rebellious little eggies? Of course she and I don't live in the same world though so I guess I must agree to disagree) and he went off his rocker. "He had plans! Didn't she ever think about him?" "He was going to even drop the baby off at our house for said plans!" I'm glad he let me know about it! (phhht) She said she hated him being so mad but she was just doing what they discussed and didn't understand him being so mad at her. Dan of course hops on his video game and refuses to speak to her for hours.

I talked to her and told her she needed to stand her ground and understand that this is Not her fault! If the pill isn't working for her, it is her body and there is no way that she should feel guilty for taking care of her body. She is a new mom now. She needs to be the very best for her child and if that means not taking the pill, so be it. I did mention some alternatives such as the sponge but as I am not exactly the expert on such things I didn't have much to offer in the way of reliability and such. I am so frustrated with him being like this and I am frustrated that she can't stand up for herself.

Really and truly (Insert dramatic music here and prepare yourselves for the real problem...), I think the most disturbing part for me in all this mess is the fear that nags at me personally. I can't help hearing this nagging voice in my head that says, is it really what you want? I mean sure, we have been married much longer and we have planned for a child. We have cried for a child together. We don't have other children and we aren't living with either of our parents. Still, I see insensitivities in my husband sometimes that make me question him. Does he really want one as bad as I do? Will he be as concerned and doting as he says he will? I know my hubby loves to play his comp and he is the least likely candidate for the next Mr. Clean's. He hates it when I cry and gets frustrated easily. I also have a tendency towards depression at times and I occasionally jump into things with both feet and when possible a few spare feet I tuck away just for that purpose.

I need to know. At what point in the "trying game" do you erase that doubt deep down that you might be flinging dollars at doctors and downing medicines that make your life and those around you miserable, peeing yourself into dehydration, and eventually poking your girls till they finally pack up and leave, all to discover that after thousands of dollars and years of heartache it is not really the solution you were hoping for? Does everyone have this fear? Does it go away or do you just pray and hope that there is a happy ending at the back of the book?