Saturday, June 14, 2008

Back to the doc we go...

We have twiddled our thumbs and skirted around the issue for a few months now. We've talked about it, discussed our plans, we've even set aside money and time for our plans, but we've not found the courage to stand up again...until now.

I guess the headaches had a point to them. It created a problem when af finally returned that warrants a look see by the doc. I've been meaning to go for months to get my Clomid filled. Every time I pick up the phone to call I get sweaty palms and a racing heart. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't ready. I don't know that I am yet but I'm going to try I guess.

I called and set up the appointment on Friday and at the time I did it very quickly as an aside to some insurance business that needed clearing up. The receptionist called me back to take care of our business and said "So you need an appointment? I have a cancellation, will Monday be ok?" I had left a message mentioning the needed appointment and when she brought it up panic set in. I told her really all I needed was a refill on my metformin and that I guess I could go without the appointment but she was ahead of me. She had my Chart! She fussed because I'm due for my pap test and a few other things and went on to set up the appointment.

I guess I should be happy, excited, even just a tiny bit ok with the appointment. Truth is... I'm petrified! Up to this point we have been coasting. We knew it wasn't doing any good but it felt better to sweep it under the rug for a bit and just live life. IF surfaced at least once a week with us and it was like this creepy storm cloud that followed just behind us everywhere we went. But... we didn't buy any tests. We didn't flinch when I was a day late...a week...a month...two... We just trudged on knowing that "That just doesn't happen to people like us." Sure enough it didn't and we just shrugged with a "See...told ya so!" to the world. By going to the doc, we have to dig out the feelings and the baggage that it carries with it. We have to put back on the coats of infertility and don the boots of disappointment. We will again wear the belt of fear and the tear stained shirt. We will tuck into our back pockets a tiny white square of hope and tremble every time we have to reach for it. It was so comfortable and easy to just turn away and live bitter and resentful of every parent or child we saw. Now, to wear our hearts outside again is a very hard thing to do.

We kept Dot and Dan's baby again tonight. Hubby didn't coo with her as much this time. He didn't cuddle her and peek-a-boo with her. I was very quick to give up on rocking her to sleep and I didn't spend nearly as much time out on our usual walk or her bath time. I couldn't cherish those moments tonight. I feared those moments. What if they never happen for us? I'm sure hubby felt the same way.

In the beginning you enter IF gradually. So much so, that you don't even notice till your already up to your elbows with no way out. You get a few negatives and shrug it off. You toy with calendars and pay more attention to your twinges or moods. Then you dabble in appointments and terminology. You giggle at all the acronymns and begin to feel a bit like a hamster in a wheel. You take medicines and start to obsess over ever twinge or pink tinge. You count hours not days and you pray not for a baby but for just two lines! Finally you become the hamster not even stretching before you step into the wheel. You take your temp and meds, you click over the calendar and shrug off the pains as normal sets in.

When you take a break from it all, which is in my opinion a necessary thing at times, to come back to it there is no gradual. You dive right back in where you left off. I hope someone remembered to warm the water for us....

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