Monday, June 30, 2008

Don't let me forget

So many nights I lie awake dreaming about having a family. I imagine a harried family outing with hubby and I pulling our hair out in the front seat while the kids duke it out and drive us crazy in the back. I picture family portraits and all the firsts that a child has. I think about their first smile, tooth, and steps. I see our hearts busy, happy, and finally full.

Hubby and I talk about parenting quite often. We discuss things we think are ok and things we would definitely not allow. It is quite fortunate actually, that we have had this time with the subject always at the surface, to explore how we feel about certain things. Most parents don't get that chance.

A lot of these conversations occur after Dan and Dot have visited or we have been babysitting for them. They are a constant source of frustration for us. They love their daughter very much but she was unplanned and it is obvious. We have both in our own ways told them how lucky they are. We cherish the time they let us have with the baby and we love the boys just as much. They laugh at us and tell us we are crazy. I don't think we are. Are we?

These visits have brought a new fear into my life. I don't want to forget this feeling of desperate need for our child. I want our child to know every single day how much we love her/him and how hard we worked to get them. I don't want to lash out at my kid in anger or give them the impression that they are a burden to us. Hubby's parents to this day occasionally make a comment about how draining the kids are or how happy they are now that the kids are gone. I see the pain it causes him. I know that was a feeling he had often growing up.

I know we will be good parents and do anything for our child. I know there will be really hard times and really good ones. I know we will love our kids. But, will we take them for granted? Does the pain fade leaving you with a false sense of deserving? I hope that I can look back on this years from now and remember with a painful twinge what it is to be without. I hope it will remind me to give my child extra kisses and hugs. I hope I remember to tell him or her every single day how much they are wanted and loved.


Rebecca said...

I wonder the same things...I could have written that word for word, and have thought those exact things many a night myself. I honestly don't think I will EVER forget the dreaming, longing, and intense desire I have to have a baby...and I doubt you will either.

Kristen said...

Just by reading the post I can tell you'll be an amazing mommy :) you have nothing to worry about at all!

emilythehopeless said...

i feel the same way.

My_Herstory said...

I started a journal for the baby back in 2004 when we started withthe dr's and pills. It's odd to read the first entries now, but it was a great way to put down my thoughts and hopes and what you said was one that I had written. Senind baby dust and blessings your way, hoping the clomid works for you.