Saturday, June 28, 2008


There are a few that have braved infertility on their own and I give them huge kudos for it, but for most of us there is another person always in the waiting room. I feel like sometimes they get left in the shadows a bit and their struggle is just as painful as ours. I'm guilty of it. I forget that when we have the baby over he has to deal with his own feelings about it too. I forget sometimes how the effects of careful ovulatory planning can put his mood in the gutter. I take for granted at times that he is right there with me despite a broken heart, ready to take the next step.

Hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs. We've gone through some really rough times. It has always been compounded by our lack of children. We started our journey with the utterance of "I do." In hindsight, perhaps we should have given ourselves some time to love each other and prepare for this journey. We were both very young and eager though with no clue what we had ahead.

I'm proud of us for making it through the really hard stuff and I love remembering the good stuff. I don't think anyone ever truly believed we'd make it. There were times when I didn't believe that myself. So far, we're here and we've made it through almost six years. I love him more than anything and I can't imagine my life without him in it. I truly believe we can do this.

We were watching a movie the other night, and the love I had for him just came flooding out. In the scene the wife was cleaning the table after a rambunctious family dinner. Her husband came up behind her and before he got within reaching distance she smiled in a sort of "Ahh there he is" kind of way. I found myself smiling along with her because I knew that feeling. It surprised me. I don't know when that developed in our relationship but I can sense him in a room. I know when he gets up for work and when he comes to bed. It's like a candle in a dark room. I love that feeling and the security that comes from it.

There are times that he infuriates me or annoys me to no end. I feel like he isn't as involved in this having a baby business as I am. If you think about it though he really can't be. Most everything involves my body and what it is or isn't doing. It doesn't mean he isn't just as in tune though. His way of dealing is in silence. He doesn't tell me how it upsets him. He gets angry and shuts down. I want to lay all the cards out and examine them over and over until I can find an answer or wear myself out with it. He never ceases to amaze though. At the one moment when I feel he cares the least he will go and do something so cool or say something that is so sweet and sincere that it melts my heart.

Last week he helped in Bible school. I have the two year olds and I ended up with seven of them. One little boy had not seen his dad all day and had not taken a very good nap. He cried and pleaded for daddy to stay with him. Hubby was awestruck that a child could cling to their parent like that. He was so sweet and he stuck by that little guy the rest of the night.

A couple of days later I mentioned how much I wanted to go swimming. AF had started and I wasn't prepared. Hubby came in from work yesterday with a box of Tam.pax. It was sweet because he said "The lady told me this would work with your body. Look there's some for the heavy time and some for the medium and light times." I giggled at him. That was so cool of him to go in there and ask someone what his wife would need. He took time to care.

With all of that sweetness there are still days when I want to throttle him. His backwards ways and comments make me want to melt in the floor of embarrassment sometimes, but I know I frustrate him too. Sometimes I think we irritate each other when we can't express our pain, sadness, or anger for something entirely different. We've learned to recognize that sometimes now though. We know that when af comes and we finally give up hope for the month, that an argument will be waiting. Most often it ends in a hopeless puddle of tears as we hold on to each other trying to find the strength to try again.

I've told you all about the pack n play. It still sits in our living room. We have actually swapped it and the couch out (for a very different reason) so that now it takes the prime focus in our living room. I see him stare at it thoughtfully, wistfully, just like I do and I know it needs to stay. I've seen his excitement over good test results. He is bubbling over to tell people that we are taking a new step. He is hopeful and cautiously excited. Sometimes he pops in with "What do you think about this name?" or "I saw the cutest kid today!" When I have those days when I think he isn't invested in this like I wish he was, or that he doesn't care like I thought he did, those little things serve as reminders that he deals with this in a different way. I have to remember to check in with him often and take his opinions to heart. This is his journey too and I can't imagine walking this road with anyone else!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ohh, I really got this post. Bless your dear husband, and congratulations to you both for getting through the hard times. I keep telling my sister this, that a happy marriage is happy because both partners WORK at making it happy, and it's worth doing the work.