A Post About Normal

First off I would like to apologize for the delay (You have been sitting there on the edge of your seat since yesterday afternoon too haven't you?). The doctor finally called after a nail biting, floor pacing, what if thinking, snap at your spouse four and a half hours! I think we called about four times trying to catch him because we know that appointments stop at four-ish and neither of us could bare the thought of taking this unknown cloud to bed with us. Finally at six (six o'clock people!) he called and told hubby everything was perfectly normal. I wanted numbers. I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easy. We have numbers and things look pretty good actually.

With that happy news out of the way a new phenomenon occurred. Blame. ***Now let me just say before we get any further that I am supremely happy that hubby's test is great. I in no way wanted for us to have another problem to face and I am eternally greatful that at least one of us is in working order.*** However... before his test was done there was always a lurking thought that perhaps it isn't all my fault. It felt better to think that maybe just maybe he had something to do with this too. It isn't like I wanted him to have something wrong but it helped me with my guilt and the feeling of failure I often come across. Once we found out that things were great on his part this tiny voice in my head started laughing at me. It said "See, this is your fault. You are the broken one. You are your only reason why there isn't a baby in that crib right now." It hurt.

We have had test after test done and they all say that we are gloriously normal. There are no major problems aside from the pcos and that with the metformin and a regular cycle there should be no reason for our inability to have a child. I assume this weekend I will be picking up a "normal" rx for a "normal" round of clomid. We will have "normal" relations and live by a "normal" calendar again. We talked about that for a while last night. It was easy to fall back into our pattern of planning and timing things. It was easy to worry and sit quietly knowing the other was treading in the water beside us terrified to hope. It was all so "normal" for us. What do we do if our dreams ever come true and we have to venture out for a new normal? What do we do if our dreams never come true and we have to step back and settle for an unwanted normal? I was certain that if this test came back with good results we would have a bit of a victory and we would feel like we had a new rung on the ladder so to speak. Right now it just feels like another step on a miles long journey that we have seemingly just begun.