Saturday, November 29, 2008

To Pee or Not to Pee

This is always the worst part of the wait.

This is that time that you hear all those stories about people testing and getting beautiful double lines of joy or getting negatives until a month after af was due. At one time, I was in the crowd that peed from 7dpo all the way up to af's appearance. I can't do that anymore. I was a mess. I ended up turning into a mushy ball of anxiety laden disappointment and tears.

Now, I try to go with the "As long as I don't know, I am so let's just never find out!" philosophy. I avoid those little sticks as if they were chock full of ebola or something. The thought of peeing makes my knees shake a bit. Thing is, up until this point, I've never truly made it this far with a good reason to test. Usually, I end up later than I thought I should be, and I test once a week for a month before giving up and asking for provera to come clean up my mess.

I am 11dpo today and I will admit that my chart has given me some serious curiosity as to the state of my uterus. When do I break down and get a test? If I get an early test, will it really show anything early? I've never really believed in those. I don't want to start school next week without knowing though. I don't know why. It makes no difference, but having a work free day to myself when I find out just seems so much nicer.

Of course, every single time I decide maybe I should go at least buy a test or two, trepidation sets in and I can't move. I hate the fear of finding another negative. I don't want to tilt the heavenly forces either way at this point and that whole just wait and see idea seems so much safer.

Oh internets... why does this have to be so darn hard?!?!

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