Thursday, September 11, 2008

My 100th Post

I am infertile. I know you are probably sitting there saying to yourself "duh" but stay with me here. When I started this blog I was merely a desperate and sad woman seeking her child while riding a canoe on the river of Denial. It was a sorrow filled ride with much debris to clear and many bruises to endure.

I fought that river and found my way into acceptance. I know now that I am infertile. It is just part of my journey here. It is who I am but doesn't make me. What I mean is that my life is affected by my infertility but I am not defined by its barriers. At one point I couldn't say that. I was consumed. Every breath was an inhale or exhale of baby filled thoughts.

Being a survivor, I can recognize the grieving process in my emotions throughout time. At first I clung to hope. I ignored it willing the truth to disappear. I felt if I could stuff it away and pretend not to notice that perhaps no one else would, including my uterus. Wrong!

After a while I found the hopelessness and pain. I tortured myself with inadequacy and failure. I tortured myself with fear of never holding a child and hope that it could happen at any time. I cried so many times because I had a reason to cry. I would fall apart over a negative test and then hours later dissolve into tears because I was in that place. It was hard.

Further down the road I found the fight. I thought I would take over and force my body into submission. I could make myself pregnant. It would happen and I would overcome this label I had stitched into my tag. I refused to accept that I was different. Do you see that river again anyone?

After a few answers and a plan, a few failed attempts and a lot of desperate soul searching, I have come to a place where I am ok with the word infertile. I understand it. I realize that everything is what it is for a reason and I cannot force the universe to change course simply because I say so. I see my path ahead and I have accepted the obstacles I know will come my way. I am prepared for the fight.

I can't say that I am ok with being infertile yet. I don't think anyone can honestly say that. I can't say I don't cry with searing grief laden pain at times. I won't tell you that it is ok if I never have a child and I can't tell you that I know 100% I ever will.

I can tell you that I see hope and a chance for a wonderful future with my child. There is a faint light on up the road somewhere for me. I can tell you that I expect the crying now and I allow it to just be. It is normal and perfectly ok. I know that I am a strong person that can face what lies ahead with as much courage as I can muster but I recognize the need to hurt and grieve as well.

As I curl up and prepare for the Provera laced weekend full of hot flashes and tears, I know the journey is simply that. A journey. No matter how it ends I will be forever changed.


Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I hope and pray that your journey leads you to a place where your hopes and dreams are fulfilled. Thinking of you! ((HUGS))

alicia said...

this is such a great post! I am glad you are seeing some hope in this journey, i pray and hope for the best outcome for you!!!

Michelle said...

Very inspiring! I hope journey leads you to where all your dreams come true, infertility related or otherwise.