Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Provera.. Friend or Foe?

I finally gave up and called the doc. He was super nice and even made a special effort to call me back himself this time to find out what was going on. I didn't even bother asking what kind of medicine this time. I knew. In fact, I didn't even look at it until I got home and started to take it the next morning.

I took the first dose with anticipatory glee. I downed the second with a nonchalant shrug. By the third and fourth dose, the dread had filled my soul and I just swallowed them down willing myself to keep going. I usually find myself in a dark and painful place with Provera. I cramp, I get sick, I sleep, I wring sweat from my clothes day and night despite living in a freezer box. I get weepy, clingy, angry, happy, and most often exhausted. That's only minor compared to the constant hum of a very dull almost migraine the entire time I take it. Sure enough, The past week at school has just been like trudging miles uphill in knee deep mud. I can barely move. I'm usually asleep by 5, get up at 9, and I am back asleep for the night by 11 snoozing the alarm until 7 each morning.

At the same time, I welcome the medicine with open arms desperate for any relief from the internal flow I have dealt with for over a month. I am so happy that I am done with it for a few days. It feels so decadent to have undies without a mass of super absorbant protection. I can finally relax in a real chair at work or sit in the floor with the kids without worrying about embarrassing problems. I can feel my body syncing itself again and despite the icky feelings I know my hormones are working as close to right as they can again.

I know in a couple of days I will stop the medicine and af will start all over again. I know she will be brief but present and hopefully I can try another round of Clomid. I know that all the freedom and relief I have is short lived and that in a couple of months I will find myself right back in this same place reliving the same conversations with my doc and struggling to stay away past 5.

I love that Provera works so well for me but I hate that I have to resort to it. I hate the way it makes me feel and I loathe the dread I will wallow in for the next couple of months until I find myself right back here again.

I'm tired of infertility. I'm tired of wanting a baby. I'm tired of the heart aches and body pains. I'm tired of the tears and fears, pills and exams, hopes and disappointments. I'm sick of feeling bad and putting myself through all of this nonsense with no guarantee in the end.

I am not naive though. I know that despite all of the bad I will push on, unable to give up. I will keep trudging through the mud with aching muscles. I'm not done yet.


Michelle said...

Just wanted to say Hi and to send you lots of hugs! I know how you are feeling. Hang in there!

Photogrl said...

Big, big {{HUGS}} to you!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are feeling rough. I've been there, though, so I know how sad it can be.


alicia said...

awe you poor thing!! I like how you ended this post though, so hard but good for you for keep going. Lets pray this is the last cycle you will have to worry about IF!

VA Blondie said...

I am sorry you are not feeling good. Sending lots of hugs your way.

I will hold you in the light.