Monday, September 29, 2008

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I received a call from a teacher at our high school tonight. Hubby and I had just settled in after supper for our favorite television show. The teacher was so wonderful and sweet. I know of her. My mother knows her. Her son was killed in a horrific accident when I was younger and it was devastating to our elementary school and small community. She doesn't understand exactly what I have been through, but she does understand the need and desire to make something positive come from the ashes. She understands that I feel grief and pain still to this day.

Up to this point I have felt a sort of anxious excitement about all of this. Tonight I am a nervous wreck. She asked me tonight if I could speak this week. I wasn't prepared for it at all. I don't have anything more than the outline I submitted for approval, but I also know that if I don't do this, the opportunity may never be available again. My courage may never get me this far either. I'm going to go on and discuss my plans with my boss and push forward into the unknown. I will spend most of tomorrow wringing my hands and preparing some notes and jotting down info I want the girls to know. It was so great as a plan on paper and in my head, but now it is terrifying!

The teacher caught me off guard in our conversation. She talked about her little boy and about her grief. She told me that she often shared his story with her kids and how difficult it was at times. She then quietly and very gently said "I just want to make sure that you can do this. I want you to be able to handle the aftermath and all of the things you are about to stir up." To read that statement does her tone of voice no justice. She was merely speaking from experience. One survivor to another.

Her statement hit me like a ton of bricks as it sunk in. I realized that I have gotten so caught up in trying to find a positive outlet and I have forgotten to check in with myself. This is going to be hard. I don't know how I will react or what sort of feelings I will bring back to the surface. I know I am strong and I am certain I can make it through the talks. It's the days after that I fear. Hubby has been very supportive of this so far and has even said that hopefully this can help me work through a few of the issues that still hide here and there. I know that he will be there for me and I know that I have already faced the hard parts of all of this. This is a good thing. I need to remember that.

If you could, please send me all of the good thoughts and prayers you can muster this week. I guess I should get some sleep and prepare for a long couple of days!


alicia said...

sending all the prayers and thoughts I can your way!! You are so strong and are doing such a great thing! way to go :)

Michelle said...

You are so strong! I am so glad you are doing this, it is AWESOME! I will send you all my good thoughts and prayers! ((HUGS))

Photogrl said...

Thinking of you...

You can do this!

Big, big {{HUGS}}

Kristin said...

Good luck, prayers for strength, and a peaceful aftermath to your talk. You can do this!