Tuesday, October 28, 2008

And we wait some more

I am having such a hard time with things right now.

This is month 70 in our ttc journey.

Friday will mark 14dpo. Halloween, how appropriate.

Every time I think about it, I become nauseous. I just can't deal with it. The sense of dread I have is suffocating me and I want to hide away from it all right now. The idea of facing another diappointment is too much to bear, but my heart won't allow me to think about the possibilities lest I have a hopeful moment.

This time around, the symptoms have been more pronounced, but I know that is more likely because my body is cooperating for once. I get nauseous and the girls are off limits to everyone, including air, and when possible, my bra. I am tired and I pee a lot (could just be the tea). There are lots of bloating, crampy, achy feelings "in there." I can sense autie flo hiding out in the bushes just waiting to pounce on all of my dreams once again, cackling as she settles in for a week of emotional torture.

Speaking of emotional torture... My first go with Clomid, I was pleasantly surprised to have slipped under the wire with the crankiness and mood swings. This time... not so lucky. There aren't any mood swings really, and I am not cranky or crabby with any particular people or events. I'm just in this funk. Some of it may be attributed to the whole waiting game, but not all of it. I feel almost like I am getting a bug or the flu kind of and I am in this weird funk of a mood. Then of course some adorable commercial comes on or someone says something to me and I melt into tears. I'm not a teary person and it gets sort of frustrating. However...

I would live in weepy tears for the entire time, I would welcome any and all nausea, bloating, cramping, and funk. I would embrace my sore girls with glee and nap my way through the fatigue. If...

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