Blue

I've been feeling a bit blue lately. There are tons of reasons that could explain why, such as my recent "versary," the season change, even clomid, but I don't think any of those things are the culprit. This goes so much deeper and it isn't a bad feeling. I just have the need to be quiet and still within myself. I need to allow myself to be sad for a while.

I'm so lonely for what Hubby and I long for. Our relationship has grown so much in the past few months and our love has changed. It is a much deeper love now. I feel like we have reached a new level or step and it is wonderful to feel that safe and warm love I have for him. It is amazing to be able to exchange a look across a crowded room and speak volumes to one another. Still, there is a void. Neither of us talk about that place in our lives. We avoid it and work so hard to keep it covered up or hidden from sight. Lately, I have seen in my husband's eyes, that desire that I feel so deeply.Our journey has scarred us both. It may be invisible to everyone else but sometimes when our eyes meet, I see a mirror of my pain and I lose my breath. Most often we share a look that says "I know" and try to move on quickly to something else.

I realize that our journey is far from over and I get frustrated with myself because I have so much grief about this. I want a child so much. My desire bubbles up from the deepest parts of my being now. It is no longer a hope or wish upon a star. I yearn for and need a child to feel complete. It makes me feel guilty to hang on so tightly to these feelings.

Hubby and I should be having the time of our lives. We can go do whatever we want, whenever we want barring work schedules. We live in a great place with few bills and simple wants and needs. Our families are caring and loving and close. We have two adorable pups to keep us company and entertain us. Why can't that be enough? Why can't we just shrug it off and be comfortable with the way things are? I feel like we are selfish sometimes, like we can't be happy with the many wonderful blessings we do have.

On nights like tonight, as I sit here alone in the quiet with soft music in the background, I imagine what it would be like with a baby sleeping in a crib beside me. I close my eyes and picture a rocking chair in the corner and happy little grunting noises as I nurse my baby back to sleep. Every single time, tears flood my eyes and my heart.