Friday, October 24, 2008

Combination lock

Since the beginning of my blogging experiences there have been countless posts and comments such as "Perhaps, if we get a new car, things will work out" or "He finally got a new job, so having a child should be ok now." Throughout life I have heard people say things like "Well, I guess he finally moved on so that their child could be born" and "Well, maybe now that they have gotten that stuff taken care of, they can have a child." Then there are my personal favorites and the ones I struggle with the most... "Don't be so negative, you'll jinx it" and "Well perhaps you were a little too confident this time."These things are most often spoken only in jest or without any true sincerity, but the result more often than not, leaves the recipient feeling paranoid and laden with failure.

Lately I find myself muttering things to myself, trying to explain why we haven't had our child yet. I know deep down that whether or not I have a large grandiose palace or a simple cozy apartment has nothing to do with my inability to conceive. Still, it helps I guess to imagine a world in which finding the correct combination in life is all it takes to open any lock. If Hubby loses a job or an unexpected bill comes up, I shrug with a sad "So, that was why it didn't work this time."

It wouldn't be so bad I suppose if I didn't follow up these thoughts with careful preparation and irrational fear that something will go wrong during a cycle causing the cosmic forces to stamp a big red "Denied" on my file once again. I plot and plan, wondering that perhaps we need a better car or bigger apartment. Maybe if I am a better person or discover the secrets to parenting, things will fall into place. Perhaps we just need to pick the right name or come to an agreement about a certain moral or value.

These thoughts have created a nasty cycle that leaves me feeling like a racing dog chasing the mechanical rabbit. I run as hard and fast as I can trying to outwit and snag an uncatchable target. I am left defeated, a lump of heartbroken tears. The sense of failure is suffocating sometimes and I find it hard to get up and try once more. I think Hubby has fallen victim to this a time or two as well. Once in a while a comment such as "Well, if it works this time do you think we can..." slips out and both of us sit there in an awkward fearful silence, praying that no one "up there" heard that and pulled out the big red stamp. Hubby teeters between "You shouldn't be so negative, it will seem as if we don't want one" and "Don't get all cocky and get your hopes up, you'll jinx it."

The feelings of failure and frustration lead us right back to the beginning as we wonder what we did wrong this time. "We were so sure and our timing was perfect. We prayed so hard and hoped so much. How could we have failed? It must be something we aren't doing right..." and thus the cycle continues.

I am battling demons with this cycle. We know that I ovulated this time and for once we are certain that our timing was great. I try to find a balance between hope and our track record. I want so much for things to work. I avoid looking at baby things, but at the same time I go out of my way when shopping to pass slowly by that department, wistfully looking in on a world that has locked me out.

Only time will tell of course. It seems that the only thing an infertile ever truly gets to do is wait. We wait to start and wait to try again. Maybe just maybe we found the combination this time...

3 comments:

Amy said...

I know exactly how you feel. Almost every time I think those same thoughts. Maybe I didn't do something right or maybe I have to get this that or the other thing in order before God will give me a child. I don't know whether these thoughts are rational or not. More than likely not. I have no answers just more questions as I'm sure you do to. Good luck!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I am praying hard that this is it for you, sweetie! ((HUGS))

chicklet said...

Hey, I'm hoping like hell for you but I do have some tiny little good news if it helps? You won the Infertility Assistant book and can get rid of those scraps:-)

Email me your address (or one you're comfortable sharing) at her@bloorb.com and I'll send it out next week.