The past week has been so hard for me. I took a stand this week and stepped out from behind the shadows. I don't think the timing was a coincidence. For me, everything happens for a reason and speaking this week seemed fitting somehow. I was so proud of myself for having the courage to follow through. I feared the days after and found myself surprisingly at peace with things at first.
Oct 3rd marked 10 years since my attack. Most years I can navigate the week of my "versary" fairly well without any obvious scars. This year I guess because of the rounded number and my big steps, things are much more difficult. I'm very private with my grieving and mention this date to no one. My husband doesn't even know when the date is. I feel like I need that for myself. I don't need to share that day with anyone else.
Hubby went to work last night leaving me alone with my demons. I was anxious and restless. I stayed up for a long time listening and waiting. The pups never left my side and we finally fell asleep, exhausted as we counted down the minutes until Hubby got home.
It has been a long time since I have been in this place and I am caught off guard. I'm not really sure what to do with all of these feelings and emotions I have. I've always wished that I had a place where I could visit and grieve, a sort of gravesite or memorial site for the person I lost that night.
Several people have mentioned that by speaking out I can find closure and let go. It doesn't work that way. At least not for me. I can't just forget or let go of the pain I experienced. I know they don't understand and I always allow them that, but inside, their words bother me. I have to allow myself to feel what I need to feel during this time and their talk of closure and finality is scary for me. I don't want to forget. I don't want to close the door. I want to open it wide open and hopefully help someone else through my experience. I want people to know it happens and that it is not ok. It isn't just a number or statistic in a police department filing cabinet. I am not a number.
So today, I encourage you to visit RAINN's site. Explore and learn. Arm yourself with information and tools not only for yourself but for those around you that may have been or God forbid will be affected.
Oct 3rd marked 10 years since my attack. Most years I can navigate the week of my "versary" fairly well without any obvious scars. This year I guess because of the rounded number and my big steps, things are much more difficult. I'm very private with my grieving and mention this date to no one. My husband doesn't even know when the date is. I feel like I need that for myself. I don't need to share that day with anyone else.
Hubby went to work last night leaving me alone with my demons. I was anxious and restless. I stayed up for a long time listening and waiting. The pups never left my side and we finally fell asleep, exhausted as we counted down the minutes until Hubby got home.
It has been a long time since I have been in this place and I am caught off guard. I'm not really sure what to do with all of these feelings and emotions I have. I've always wished that I had a place where I could visit and grieve, a sort of gravesite or memorial site for the person I lost that night.
Several people have mentioned that by speaking out I can find closure and let go. It doesn't work that way. At least not for me. I can't just forget or let go of the pain I experienced. I know they don't understand and I always allow them that, but inside, their words bother me. I have to allow myself to feel what I need to feel during this time and their talk of closure and finality is scary for me. I don't want to forget. I don't want to close the door. I want to open it wide open and hopefully help someone else through my experience. I want people to know it happens and that it is not ok. It isn't just a number or statistic in a police department filing cabinet. I am not a number.
So today, I encourage you to visit RAINN's site. Explore and learn. Arm yourself with information and tools not only for yourself but for those around you that may have been or God forbid will be affected.
Then head over to Mel's for a Happy Show and Tell day!
6 comments:
Congrats to you for having the courage to give those talks.
Thank you for having the courage to write this post.
I admire your stength, and wish you continued determination as you move along your path.
As an aside.... isn't it wonderful the way animals have the capacity to sense emotional need and respond in such a soothing way?
Bravo.....I too admire you and your own way of dealing. Sending you lots of encouraging thoughts and a few hugs....
I clicked over to both you older post and RAINN's site. I'm so glad that you were able to speak to those girls and give them info that (unfortunately) they need. A friend of mine did the same type of talk to a group of girls and ladies from our church - I saw how hard it was for her, and can only imagine how you must have felt exposing yourself that way. Thank you for your courage.
I applaud your bravery! I gave a talk like that during college on a related but slightly different topic... I have rarely been so proud of myself. I hope that opening this door helps you process the event just as it will help so many of your listeners.
"I have to allow myself to feel what I need to feel during this time and their talk of closure and finality is scary for me. I don't want to forget. I don't want to close the door. I want to open it wide open and hopefully help someone else through my experience. I want people to know it happens and that it is not ok. It isn't just a number or statistic in a police department filing cabinet. I am not a number."
ABSOLUTLY! JUST SUBSTITUTE A FEW WORDS AND THE CONCEPT OF INFANT DEATH WITH YOUR SITUATION AND WE SHARE A MISSION...OUTREACH!
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