Thursday, October 30, 2008

Move on.

It is wonderful to have so much love and support from all of you when things like this happen. Thank you for being there.

I called today about starting up round three and the doc wasn't in. He will call me tomorrow with my meds. This leaves me with no metformin though. During Halloween!!!!! Jerks! I'm gonna enjoy the day anyhow!

Halloween is a tough holiday for me. I love it. I love dressing up and enjoying the cool air. I love the pumpkins and that electric snap of fall that floats around. Most of all, I love seeing the fun that the kids have as they dress up and parade around taking full advantage of the opportunity to pretend to be someone else for a day. Since being married, I haven't been able to make it through one single Halloween without tears. This year will be very hard. Finding out two days before that all of our hopes have once again been crushed and put on hold will make seeing all of their rosey little cheeks and hearing their squeals of delight so hard to take.

We had considered shutting our door this year, but I can't bear to do it. We have before. All it did was amplify the emptiness in our own home as the laughter floated in from the children outside. Hubby will be here this year which is a first, and hopefully he will have as much fun as I do. I am going to allow myself to be sad and I have given myself permission to cry anytime I want to.

I've not been this sad about a cycle in a long time and I am having a really difficult time with the tears. Last night I was watching a television show and tears started pouring down my face. It had nothing to do with the show. I think my mind just wandered and my heart needed a release. Getting out of bed the past two days has been agony. I didn't want to go to school and see all the kids. It hurt too much. I wanted to just curl up in a dark corner of our room and cry every last tear I had.

I know that isn't the thing to do though. Truth is, as hard as it is to be around the kids during a time like this, I need them so much. They really do help heal my heart. Most of the time they don't realize that their love gets me through a day. A hug, a simple offer to help, the way their faces light up when I come into their class; it lifts me up and helps me move on.

This was month number 70 for us. We have been fighting this battle that long. I'm sick of it. I just don't want to do it anymore. The anxiety, fear, disappointment, hope, waiting, it is all just too much. But just as I start to give up, I imagine a life without any tiny face looking up at me and my heart starts pounding loudly in my ears. I just can't allow my heart to go there. Someway, there must be a child in our lives.

I will go out today and restock my cabinet with Al.ways and I will buy candy and finish up my Halloween costume, eager to surprise my kids tomorrow. In between school and trick or treating, I will pick up prescriptions and prepare my body and heart for another go at this mess. And then I will fill my face with chocolate and pout as I look towards month 71.


Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Thinking of you, Sweetie. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

There are no words that describe the emptiness and longing for a baby when it seems like you've been trying forever and ever. I do understand though, and I'm praying for you! God has a special plan!