Thursday, March 19, 2009


I had a nice neat post all prepared to rush home and whittle out, but my brain is mush. I have gone to training two nights this week until nine o'clock and tonight I had my weekly women's study at church until eight thirty. This post is going to be a garble. I apologize.

I did have the full 10k units of hcg. The doc never gave me the details on his plan, so I'm not sure what he intended. I just pray that perhaps this is the jump start my little Sheldon needs.

How do I feel? Well, exhausted. I'm tired. I know most of it has to do with how busy I have been this week and probably a bit to do with the hamster wheel that is spinning furiously in my brain. I don't want to wait. I want to know. I hate this. Also, my "girls" omg. They are sore right now. I'm not sure whether the hormones are affecting them more than the fact that I was put on the ground in restraint training last night and my poor "girls" got caught in the middle. There is weird twingy, crampy, bloated type feelings going on in my abdomen. I have also battled a loss of appetite. I get hungry but I can only eat a little of it. I'm sure that has to do with the bloat.

I'm a bit frustrated about the events of my training last night. We had to do restraint training to make up some hours that we had missed due to snow. Restraints are used when a child becomes violent or out of control. I signed up a couple of months ago for it and the timing couldn't have been worse. We got out of school at three thirty and had to be half an hour away at four thirty. We had no dinner break and got out at eight thirty for the half hour drive home. Ugh!

I don't like to miss any days, ever. My recent absences raised a bit of an eyebrow and I had several questions. I answered them truthfully and as vaguely as I could, but you know how teachers are. They have to know it all! The second night of our training was totally physical. We had to learn the restraints and perform them correctly in order to pass. I have been trained before so I knew what to expect. Several of my coworkers did not and they threw a hissy that I would consider participating "in my condition." Thankfully, our school nurse came to my aid and assured everyone that she would sit me out if it became to strenuous.

It was flattering I suppose to be fussed over, but it bothered me. Everyone has turned this into a big ordeal this month. They mean well, and they are very sweet and motherly, but they just don't get it. This feels like just another month for me. It is just another wait. It is a time of silent whispered hope and prayer as well as preparation for the crushing grief to follow. I'm doing all I can to hang on as it is. I'm glad to have their support, but I think I would rather go it alone sometimes. I can't imagine the reaction if it doesn't work. I have a hard enough time without all those people. I'm pretty sensitive to everything right now and this particular subject is extremely tender. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it.

Thankfully, tomorrow afternoon I begin a wonderful week of spring break. I am going to rest and keep my feet up all week hopefully. I want Sheldon to have a chance to get real comfortable for a nice long stay. I have never wanted this more than I do right now. I just hope he knows that.


Kristin said...

Keeping my fingers crossed and sending up a few extra prayers for you.

alicia said...

ohh i have everything crossed for you sweetie!!!

sometimes "support" turns out to be more annoying then anything! but think of it this way, anyone else who got pregnant would have no idea that they were in the midst of conceiving and would still participate in activities like that! that was my theory too, ppl who knew we were ttcing would ask if I should be drinking coffee in the 2ww, and I would say, most women would have no clue they are in the midst of conceiving and they would drink coffee and then deliver healthy babies, so I think I am ok!

eden said...

"It is a time of silent whispered hope and prayer as well as preparation for the crushing grief to follow."

... Arian, I honestly can't imagine what this would feel like. Really hard, I expect.
I'm thinking of you, and wishing for the best! XOXOX

Photogrl said...

I hope you are enjoying a relaxing week!

I've got everything crossed for you. Good luck!