Monday, March 2, 2009


I think af has shown up finally.

I have scolded myself more than once this week for cutting people off when they ask if she has shown up and then suggest the unthinkable. It made me realize what this journey has done to me so far. It made me sad to have to acknowledge so much bitterness. I hate that I carry it into every part of my life. My work, my worship, my home, they are all affected by my inability to have a child.

In the past, when af has taken her precious, sweet time (because apparently she has an awful lot of that!) I would hold on to a sliver of hope. I would laugh at my friends' inquiries and then turn my back and pray. I held my breath and dared not whisper my hope.

In the past few months, the hope has vanished. I no longer consider it a possibility. I feel like I am just going through the motions because it is what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how or when we are supposed to cry "uncle" and move on. I just keep moving forward, waiting for the big road block that says we can't anymore.

I used to pray each month that finally my time had come. I don't do that anymore. Now I just pray that I will get a time at some point. I no longer cling to hope. I cling to faith. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I thought when I was attacked, that there could be nothing more difficult to survive. I battled anorexia and depression. I fought every single day to feel worthy of the air I breathed. I lost my faith in humankind and in my God. I searched for years to find the scattered pieces. Still, I knew when I was attacked that someday there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew if I just worked hard and pushed on through, the grief and pain would ease into the background of what makes me who I am.

This journey is so different from that one. I have to draw on a completely different strength to carry on. I can't see a light. If I push on through this dark place there is no promise that I will find peace. I trudge blindly and silently through my day to day never knowing if the right time and place will come along to bring me the child I want so desperately. The ache is overwhelming. The failure immeasurable.

The people that surround me - my support system - they can't help me this time. They have no words that encourage or bandage. It isn't their fault. They can't possibly understand. This need that we all have to mother. It is the most primitive and instinctive need a woman can have. Our bodies are all so torn and confused. How could anyone understand how painful that is unless they too have walked in these shoes?

I'm so grateful to have this place and all of you. I think I would have given up a long time ago if it had not been for you. I'm sorry that any of us have to travel this path.

I'm sort of stuck right now. We will go to the doctor Tuesday and listen to what he says. I have considered several times, calling and canceling. I would love to hide in my closet and forget about this stuff, but my heart won't let me. I have no idea what our next game plan is, but I know there aren't many more options before he sends us off to the clinic. For us, that's the big road block. Financially, there is no way we could take that option right now. Emotionally, we have avoided such talk up until now. I'm not sure how far into that world I am willing to go. My body doesn't handle these treatments well and we are still taking baby steps. I can't imagine how it would respond to the big guns.

I guess time will tell right? Time. It's always about time. So many things require it and I haven't any to spare.


Kristin said...

I'm so sorry you are in such a sucky place emotionally. {{{Hugs}}} and email me if you want to talk to someone who has been there.

alicia said...

HUGS! oh sweetie, I am so sorry. it is such a hard and sad and lonely place to be. I am glad you have this blog to and all the friends who read it and support you. I know I would not have made it as far as I did without my blog friends either. sending up prayers for you for your appointment tmr!

Amy said...

I am so sorry you are in this place right now. I will be praying for you.

eden said...

Arian, I'm thinking of you today. Up there with all your snow, and your heartache. I'm sorry mate, I really am. It just simply isn't fair.


Michelle said...

I know this place you are in and it sucks. I am sorry you have to be there. Sending you hugs!