What do we do?

We got a BFN this afternoon. Right before I started spotting again.

Now what?

Seriously, I don't know what to do next. We have a plan in place with the doc to go up to 150mg, but honestly at this point I feel so defeated. It seems so stupid to keep pouring money into this. What is one more set of pills gonna do for us? If God had intended us to have a child, why would that one month make any difference?

I'm so angry at Him right now. I don't understand all of this. I feel so trapped too. I just want to curl up in a dark corner of the world and disappear right now, but I can't. I have surrounded myself with the very thing that causes me the most pain: other people's children. It is in every part of my life. I can't help it though. The need to fill that void somehow just draws me to them. They break my heart and hold it together all at the same time.

The ideal plan would be to cry a bit, hurt alot, dust off and try for this one last time. My body is working the right way and we are on a roll. It isn't possible though. We have to come up with $150 in just a few days. We won't have it. The timing on this is horrible. We have gone through all of our savings for medicine and copays. There aren't any more coffee cans in the back yard.

Part of me says," Well, that's your sign. Time to pack it up and quit."
The other part keeps saying," You'll never be able to quit and just leave that one last try sitting there on the table." It's like the last dinner roll, you can't just leave it all alone there in the basket. No matter how full, someone will step up and eat it.

The failure and disappointment feel like they are suffocating me right now. We're just stuck in the middle of the pond just out of reach of the oars. I guess our picnic is over.