Monday, March 30, 2009

What do we do?

We got a BFN this afternoon. Right before I started spotting again.

Now what?

Seriously, I don't know what to do next. We have a plan in place with the doc to go up to 150mg, but honestly at this point I feel so defeated. It seems so stupid to keep pouring money into this. What is one more set of pills gonna do for us? If God had intended us to have a child, why would that one month make any difference?

I'm so angry at Him right now. I don't understand all of this. I feel so trapped too. I just want to curl up in a dark corner of the world and disappear right now, but I can't. I have surrounded myself with the very thing that causes me the most pain: other people's children. It is in every part of my life. I can't help it though. The need to fill that void somehow just draws me to them. They break my heart and hold it together all at the same time.

The ideal plan would be to cry a bit, hurt alot, dust off and try for this one last time. My body is working the right way and we are on a roll. It isn't possible though. We have to come up with $150 in just a few days. We won't have it. The timing on this is horrible. We have gone through all of our savings for medicine and copays. There aren't any more coffee cans in the back yard.

Part of me says," Well, that's your sign. Time to pack it up and quit."
The other part keeps saying," You'll never be able to quit and just leave that one last try sitting there on the table." It's like the last dinner roll, you can't just leave it all alone there in the basket. No matter how full, someone will step up and eat it.

The failure and disappointment feel like they are suffocating me right now. We're just stuck in the middle of the pond just out of reach of the oars. I guess our picnic is over.

22 comments:

eden said...

To dearest, beautiful Arian,

I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this. It makes me want to shake my fist at the sky, for I "know" you enough to know what an exraordinary, wonderful mother you WILL make. I'm (down) here, thinking comforting thoughts for you.

Hugs,
Eden XOXOXOXOXOXO

Kristin said...

Oh honey...I am so very sorry. You will be a FABULOUS mom. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and love.

Stacie said...

I am here via Kristin's blog. I am so sorry for this latest bfn and all the other bfns you've suffered through. Sometimes the world is so unfair. It makes me so angry that you have to go through this, that anyone has to go through this! Hugs.

beebles said...

i am so sorry...sending hugs...

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

SO sorry for your loss, and the hurt you're feeling. Sending hugs...

Michelle said...

Just wanted to send you hugs and tell you to hang in there. I know it is difficult. ((HUGS))

Lori said...

Abiding with you, Arian.

It's hard. I know it's so hard.

Another Dreamer said...

I am so sorry for the BFN :( And for the long journey that is IF.

It's so difficult. Don't give up, but remember that it's okay to take a break if you need to.

Take care of yourself.
Thinking of you.

Sassy said...

I'm so sorry. *hug* I don't understand Him either. I don't believe there is a God so cruel who would put you through all of this. It's so unfair. You deserve so much more.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so incredibly sorry, Arian. Sending love.

twondra said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

Tammy
www.twondra.blogspot.com

rescogitatae said...

Arian, I just wanted to send you a huge hug. I'm sorry.
T.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so, so sorry to hear this news. I came from LFCA to extend my sympathy. I wish I had something better to say.

Martha said...

Here from LFCA, I am so sorry.

namaste said...

Here from LFCA to send a hug. I'm so very sorry for the bad news and the questions it stirs up.

Erica said...

Here from LFCA = sending you my support. I hope you find peace soon. I'm so sorry to hear about the BFN.

S said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN. It never gets any easier to bear, especially with the financial burden of it all. I'd recommend trying if you can, its the only thing that lets me move on from a BFN. After all (and I usually hate this saying, but its appropriate here), you have to be in it to win it.

Sending you some hugs...

Photogrl said...

I'm sorry. It isn't fair.

As for signs..I've been questioning them myself lately. Give yourself some time to reflect and consider your options.

((HUGS))

nishkanu said...

I am really sorry about your BFN. It is normal to ask questions about whether it is worth continuing, it does often take time for the answers to come.

I am by no means any kind of expert on this, but after many years of infertility, in my heart of hearts I don't believe that God hands out babies, because if he did, I think he would distribute them a little differently than they are distributed right now. God can provide some comfort though, and help to uncover some answers. Hope you find some.

alicia said...

oh no! I am so sorry about the bfn!! so sorry. is there any way you could take the next month off to save up for the cycle after that? this is all so lame, I am so very sorry.


hugs

Laura said...

I'm so sorry. Many hugs to you!

Jaymee said...

i know that this is forever late. i am so sorry. hope this new week finds you feeling better.