Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Where we are

I had an appointment scheduled for Tuesday.

It snowed. I was out of school. Hubby's days off got messed up. One of my checks was delayed. The check was supposed to pay for the appt. We could have gone despite the whole check issue, but I just didn't want to. I still don't really want to go.

I rescheduled for Thursday and I'm not backing out. Hubby will be off and he is going with me. I started to buy a test tonight and Hubby told me not to bother. I hate that the hopeless bug has gotten him too. I'm pretty certain I'm not, but I can't argue with that tiny little "what if." I wanted to test before hand. I don't want to go in and ask for a test and then look like a moron when it's neg. Still, I know he will put me on Provera at the very least and I hate that .000001% chance that I don't need it.

I'm hoping he can help me figure out my migraine issue. I keep telling myself that is the main reason for my trip. I don't want to consider the true reason or the possible weight of the discussion we will have behind closed doors. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Today I even caught myself saying, you know, I "mother" hundreds of kids every year. Shouldn't that be enough? Perhaps this is the only motherhood I am destined to know. Maybe I was never supposed to be a mom. I should feel blessed with what opportunities I have.

Ugh! This mess makes me so crazy. I want to take infertility and all the stuff that goes with it and fling it as far off the edge of the world as I can. I want to scream at the universe to "Suck it!" and stomp and kick with the best two year olds.

Instead, I will pack my little bag of goodies to occupy Hubby while we wait for the real women to be seen. I will go to the doctor like an obedient little infertile and sit in plain view so the ladies with the bulging bellies can see what such an odd and piteous creature looks like.

9 comments:

Sassy said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to settle. Just because you're blessed with what you have, doesn't mean you don't deserve more. *hug*

eden said...

Thursday has already been, where I live. (I live in the future, obviously.) ... so Thursday must just be starting there. Good luck, today.

Sending you love and support. I really believe, that you ARE "supposed" to be a mum. Your caring and nurturing comes through so strongly in your posts about the beautiful kids you teach.

xoxoxoxo

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}}

Photogrl said...

I hope that your appointment gives you a little hope back.

Good luck.

And big HUGE ((HUGS))for you and hubby.

alicia said...

good luck today!! I am thinking of you

nh said...

I'm sorry that you've having a tough time. I understand your comment about 'mothering hundreds of kids' each year - but somehow it doesn't feel enough.

babyinterrupted said...

This road gets so hard, doesn't it? I've said that same thing, about how I 'mother' a lot of kids, but the truth is, it's not the same. Sometimes I feel like it should make me feel better, and that just makes me feel worse. Anyway. I'll be thinking about you. May hope and good news start to peek through the darkness.

S said...

I'm sorry - infertility to me is frustrating and painful enough without having so much contact with children ('other people's children' says my inner jealous streak) everyday. So I actually admire you for being able to 'swallow' the shitty, bitter pill of IF and deal so well with 'mothering' so many other kids. Kudos to you! I certainly couldn't handle a job like that.

I hope that your appt answers some questions.

sending you some 'hang in there' hugs...

Cassandra said...

Here from LFCA...

I"m sorry that you're going through a rough time right now.

The waiting room at the RE really is easier than at the OB/GYN. There are rarely any children, and almost never ever pregnant bellies. Just other dejected (and occasionally hopeful) women. And everyone there has been exactly where you are.