Still

I've always been the type of person terrified to be alone with myself. I have to have a television or radio on to go to sleep, and never is there a moment that I don't have something in the background. Before I got married I was terrified and lonely every night. I didn't sleep much then and I saw more than a lifetime of infomercials.

It has gotten much better since marriage, but still I always had the background noise. If the power went out or the television got turned off an immediate panic set in and I did whatever I could to fill the silence.

I have wrestled with myself for several days now. You know what I mean. That turmoil inside you that sometimes you just have to wrangle back into order. You get things going on in your brain and have to sort of untangle the knot so to speak. I've been exhausted and my soul has ached from the battle. I have had migraines and I cry for no reason. I was sure it was the holidays but the more I wrestle the more I find it has nothing to do with that at all and is merely a battle to find more of myself.

I have always loved Amy Grant since I was a little girl and her new book Mosaic came out recently. I didn't even know about it, but I happened upon it a few nights ago and my mother in a generous mood, bought it for me. Her stories have brought back so many memories of my childhood and the songs that she ties in, many forgotten over the years have flooded back to me bringing with them the feelings and visions of my life at the time when that particular song was playing in the background of my life. Music has always been a way for me to capture emotion and a part of myself, and I found myself wanting more to remember and connect again with part of me.

It is hard to explain without telling you how I became disconnected but I have that for another post. We will just suffice it to say that as a teen, I had a traumatic time that has since disconnected me in some way or another.

With this being said, I found myself tonight listening to some of my old favorite songs. They are all songs of comfort to me. Some bring painful times with them, some bring hope, and yet others just make me feel good. All of them touched me deeply however and having the house to myself for once I just sat and listened. I sang, I cried, I felt, I connected. For the first time in ten years I felt safe to allow myself the pain and sadness. I grieved and rocked the innocent child I lost so long ago in my arms.

I was able to just sit within myself and look around. I'm sad by what I see. I see so many walls hastily built up to block off huge chunks of my life too painful to process at the time and too time consuming to handle later on. It is very unsettling to realize how much I have blocked off for so long. There are so many layers of myself that have been put away for so long. I realized that I have hidden them away for so long that my friends and even my husband doesn't know who I am deep down. I think I have even forgotten parts of myself.

I find the urge to sing and write it all down. I want to feel, touch, taste, smell, hurt, laugh, cry, yell, whisper, comfort, heal, and destroy different parts of me for the first time. I am certain that this is a good thing and for the first time in years I feel an unsettled peace. I know it makes no sense to you but it feels like I can be at peace with myself because I'm no longer putting up walls. It will be chaos as I tear them down, but I know that peace and healing is on the other side.

This is not really a New Year's post and I don't want it to become one, but I know that this is the time of year many reflect and make promises to renew themselves. I've never been one for the resolutions or reflection at a particular time of year but ironically this year reflection found me and I can't shake it.

I urge you to take time, be it now with the impending new year, or later on once things have settled and just find a seat in the middle of that dark room in your brain. Take a look around. Touch, feel, experience. Reconnect with yourself and remind youreself that while we are supposed to take it one day at a time, our today is intertwined by so many yesterdays that many times we have just pushed to the side until we can get around to them. After so long you build up too many walls and forget who you are only waking to get through another day.

Find yourself, connect, and embrace the day. Enjoy it, and try for just a little while to be still...

Peeking out from under the paper and bows...

I'm here. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday however you celebrate. We had a pretty good time. Hubby had some very scroogey moments and I'm not sure what to think about all that yet, but all in all things went well. We had a great time with the family and I think everyone went away happy minus a card game that got a little loud and out of control with some of the younger group.

I went with mom today to ship my sister off to London on her first plane ride and very first international experience. We sat for two hours and just as the professor (she is going on a study abroud trip for two weeks) started to hand out the tickets a big red "cancelled" popped up on the board. Grrr. The flight was cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow due to mechanical issues so off we go again tomorrow to send her out again.

In the meantime hubby is at work and I am very happy to be at home finally comfy in my pjs and relaxing with the pooches. I'm starting to worry about all that yummy sugar I ingested this year and I hope to knock it all out again with the new year coming. I know it is so cliche' but whatever works right? I have had some major hormone related issues lately including af disappearing and some very severe and intense migraines. I can't say that I have been as good lately with my metformin as I should, but I have only missed a dose here and there and I can't see that causing as many issues as I have had. The only variable I can come up with is my diet which my doctor insists is not a major concern in my case. I think very differently about this. I noticed the most drastic changes when I cut out allll my sugar. Weight melted off, I felt a ton better, my skin was crystal clear, and af came on the stroke of the clock every 31 days. I was taking Provera for a good part of that time too though. We're going to give it a go and see what happens anyway.

Enough of the ttc talk for a while though (I'm trying to enjoy as much time off from it as I can till next week). We got some great stuff this year for Christmas. We got an awesome table and chairs! Our last apartment was furnished so we had no need for one and since being here we just haven't gotten one because A. neither of us felt it important enough to part with the money for and B. the computers took up the vast majority of our dining space. I'm so excited about this set though. The table is very sturdy and made of wood but the whole entire set can fold up and stow or move if we need. It is fantastic! I am even looking forward to putting our tree away and taking Christmas down just so I can move furniture back around to make a better place for it! I've never wanted to take our tree down (Once, I convinced my mom when I was a kid to leave ours up until March and turn it into an Easter tree!)! I also got an amazing huge framed Wizard of Oz movie picture! The link shows the picture although my picture is at least 36" across! It is done in a really nice dark wooden frame that makes it look very classy. I also got my diamond ring despite some minor problems. Hubby didn't go empty handed either. He got some new pjs (thank goodness!) and a new guitar. He got money for an amp and all the extras that go with a guitar. He got some nice shirts and a pullover that I think he's going to wear every day until the temperature gets back in the 80s!

Sorry. I know this post rambled about a lot of fluff but I'm still reeling from my post Christmas loot and food stupor. I just thought I would peek out for a bit and say hi and wish you all a good week. I'm going to go sift through this mess of paper, bows, and boxes and try to see how much I can tick off the garbage man this year! I hope you all find your way out too!

MIA, Christmas trees, old wounds, and the like....

First off I'm going to warn you... this might get a bit long so grab a soda stretch out and prepare for a novel! Not really a novel but maybe a short short story....

Second - Do you remember two posts ago where I announced at the end that af had finally decided to show up to the party and I was disappointed but relieved the wait was done? Well... darn heifer didn't actually show up. I got one redder than pink tp event and that was it. I've had some (sorry if its tmi but if you are an infertile, you should or shortly will understand) spotting lately but very minor and very intermittent. I've decided that this could be one of two things... A. Something has derailed af's train be it the met or the hsg. B. Well I won't go there. No I haven't tested and right now I just can't. I'm petrified. I tested the day before I wrote that last post and that was it. I can't bring myself to do it now.

Enough of the newsflashes though. Let's get on with the post k?

When I was little my dad's first cousin and his wife lived beside us. Mom, dad, and (hmmm..) Fran and Frank* did everything together. When we were born we tagged along. Fran and Frank had no children and Fran had been told it wasn't an option. We became her "children." She would make things for us and do our hair for picture day. We all went shopping together in their super nice van that Fran got because "It was a great deal" (yeah. I raised my eyebrows at that one too). At Halloween we dressed up over there and had our fun, At Christmas they decorated all sorts of stuff and we went over to make ornaments for the tree.

We were all one big happy family.... until my little brother was born. That seems to have been the last straw for Fran and Frank. Within a couple of years Fran and Frank moved away and found a different group of people to do things with. They "borrowed" their children too but would almost flaunt it at church gatherings and such. To be honest and mean as little ill will as possible they became snobs. They hurt my parents deeply and said very hurtful things and did some pretty nasty things to mom and dad and I know that most of it revolves around the fact that my mother had three and Fran had none. It irks me.

My mother says they just didn't want children but the past few years have taught me a thing or two about that stuff. I can't buy that. I just can't. I know that pain and bitterness and it scares me. I see how they gave up and became angry people. They still are to this day angry people. I hurt for them. I hurt for the pain they had to experience as my siblings and I grew up beside them. I wish I had known then as a child that they were hurting. Maybe I could have helped ease it somehow. I've considered writing her a letter but she is so bitter now that I just think I would offend. I want to reach out to her and say "It's ok to hurt. I'll hurt with you for a while." but I can't.

This brings me to the holidays and the tree mentioned in the title (told you it was a book! It's ok go have a pee break... I'll wait.......... better? Ok almost done....)

Some of my fondest memories in childhood were in their back yard or out shopping or arts and crafting it in Fran's dining room. I remember how the house looked when we popped in unexpectedly and I can't shake the memory that when we were expected the house was different. There were things for us there and the mood was lighter. It keeps circling back to their Christmas tree. I remember that tree and for whatever reason ( by now you all know my mind has bizarre connections) I connect that tree with their pain. This year it was a struggle to put up our tree and to mail out Christmas cards. I know there were so many things they did just for us and the ornaments on the tree were one. The tree itself I wonder sometimes about too. Hubby and I actually for a very short moment considered not putting one up. I love Christmas but for a short while this year I just didn't want to bother.

Christmas has always been about the children. The very meaning of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of a child. A tiny miracle. A gift. It hurts so badly. We are lonely for children and the holidays are especially difficult. It seems silly to buy presents for each other. We do have some family traditions and don't get me wrong, I love spending Christmas with our families and I wouldn't trade the time I have with them for anything, but there is something missing. I want to have our traditions to add to it.

I always get so excited and overjoyed around this time. I love to give and do for other people and there are so many chances at the holidays. It celebrates the things that I have learned are most important in life and once a year my family slows down to enjoy and do with me. This year there is a blue empty aura surrounding the season. The glow and happy times are still there but as odd as this sounds there is like a presence that I am constantly aware of in the background or maybe a lack of presence. One of those feelings when you stop opening gifts and just sit back inside yourself and watch all of your loved ones. You know how you get that full and blessed feeling and take a memographic photo? Well this sort of sits there with that feeling and when I stop to watch and overflow with joy and love there is a sad tone to it too.

I warned you that this was a hard one to explain but I tried. I know Christmas is a couple of weeks away still but most families spend those weeks shopping and standing in line to see Santa. I don't have those things to keep me busy and I am sure I am not the only infertile that feels like that. I want to give you all a hug and let you know that I know. I hope we can all find our joy this holiday and give ourselves time to grieve and visit with the children in our dreams.

Pieces of the puzzle....

I've been working on a couple of posts but I'm just not sure how to approach them. I've had some topics that hit deep with me. They are tough things to write about and I just want to make sure that I can spend time on them when I can give them my total focus. Bear with me....

Turkey days gone by...

I know I've been MIA for a few days but things have been insanely busy lately. Hubby and I decided to rent a car and go visit his parents and family for Thanksgiving. He hasn't seen some of them in almost two years so it was a well overdue trip. We ended up with a rental truck but it was a great little truck and had four doors so we took it. We had planned on taking the puppies with us which is much like packing children up for a week long trip. Everyone had special blankies and bowls and toys and sweaters and such to go with us not to mention their crates and leashes....you get the picture. We decided to best avoid the bulk of the traffic we would leave as soon as hubby came home from work around 1am. For some this is nuts but for us this has worked many times in the past and seems to be the best way for us to manage the drive. I get terrified of some of the mountain driving so I prefer to sleep and hubby is a night owl by nature.

Anyway, the trip was great. We got to see our 3 year old nephew that we haven't seen in a year and a half. We got to spend time with family and this year surprisingly the big feast didn't involve any icky bickering and bitterness (well not that much anyway) so things were happy and festive and we enjoyed each other. We went back to his parents house to stay a few days and despite one incident with hubby's dad getting out of hand things were pretty good. I did get a lot of "I wish you all would move back" and "You know Arian you have done some things we didn't like too ya know" and "We don't want to butt in but you know that one time? Well you should have done it better." I was a bit on edge and pretty defensive by the time we left but not enough to make me angry, just sad. On the way home hubby decided to take a veeeerrrry long way around to get home and it irritated me.

I got irritated that he refused to acknowledge that we had done this trip a gajillion times and that he was adding on two hours to our trip home but still griping that he was ready to get home and that I should have packed quicker etc. Well, I was about to get over it by the time we got home until I went to pee. Before I could unpack anything I ran up to pee and there was the beautiful pink tp we all dread. I came out and tried to be as nonchalant as I could when I told him. We hugged and that was that.

When the truck had finally been unloaded and puppies take care of for whatever reason we got into a heated argument. The first in weeks. It was short but pretty bad. About ten minutes into it I swear someone came down from heaven and turned on my lightbulb. I realized that we weren't arguing at all. We were dealing. I just stopped mid sentence and said "You know what we are doing too don't you?" It was as if the weight of the world had dropped from around us and we both just melted into tears. I realized as we cried and held on to one another that we had done this several times before too. It was a heavy blow to realize that infertility had done this to us. It had conditioned us to lash out at each other and it bothered me a great deal.

What I thought was af dropping in turned out to be a false alarm, but I have been on pins and needles all week about it knowing that the likelihood of anything this month are so slim it is almost nonexistant. I still held out for "just in case." The past couple of days I could feel her unpacking for a nice lengthy stay and I just knew. I tried to let it go and just get ready but something held me back. It caused such frustration and sadness and pain that I was rather a grumpy Itch all week. This afternoon she finally settled in for the week and while crushed once again I feel relieved that finally I can move on and start all over. Is it ever going to happen?

After unloading the truck

Thankful...?

I've been brewing this post for a few days now and I'm still not sure if I can really describe how the upcoming holidays have wrapped their joyful arms around me this year. Already I feel the urge to hustle and bustle. Case and point, I put up our Christmas lights this afternoon and decorated the house (minus the tree). I did this because we are going to see hubby's parents this week and I am a bit anal about having our tree up the day after Thanksgiving. The idea that I can put the tree up on Saturday or Sunday after we return is just a horrid scary thought for me so I have to get things done before we leave.

I'm excited about going to see his folks. We haven't seen anyone on the mountain since we moved here with my family and it will be nice I suppose to see them. They are a different sort, full of drama and unsettled bitterness with every single person on the family tree so it is never dull. We will get to see our niece and nephews. We haven't seen either nephew for quite some time. We will assuredly see his aunt and uncle and his grandparents. I am already braced for the questions and prepared to make a quick getaway to the restroom to cry once they start rolling off the tongues.

Usually I get excited and allow the holidays no matter how we celebrate them, to help pull me through the beginning doldrums of winter and then I can skate along through January on the skirt tails of all the frenzy. Usually this leaves me with the shortest month of the year to teeter on the edge of insanity with depression and in March I'm giddy at the idea of daffodills and butterflies again. This year, I've been very quiet and reflective. There have been many things happening in our families that have helped I suppose. The clincher was our service at church on Sunday.

The pastor discussed compassion, humility, generosity, and peace. He said by living with compassion, humility, and generosity, we will find peace in our lives. I try very hard to live by this every single day. Ask anyone and they will hopefully tell you I would give my right arm to someone if I didn't need it to sign the consent forms. I love everyone and try my best to be happy with what I have and recognize what others don't. Why then? Why am I so tormented? Can I truly be living this "peaceful life" if I feel so frustrated that I'm not content and peaceful with just what we have? Of course a baby comes into play as it does every other aspect of my life and that makes me sad. I feel that I could be content with so many things but to be without our child that we dream of every day is just beyond acceptance for me.

Thanksgiving has over time become harder and harder for me to embrace. I love the family and enjoy reflecting on my thankfulness and blessings almost more than the joy and spirit surrounding Christmas. I love being a thankful person every day so this holiday comes naturally to me. I look and see such a beautiful place that we live in on our own. I see how far my husband has come and how much closer we are (which is truly very close). I look at our jobs and our friendships. We have friends now that we deeply care for and that we can depend on. We have close family near by all the time and his family seems at least for now to be ok with us. He and his dad are working on growing a relationship and I see forgiveness and healing wounds there. I should be so thankful for all these things. I am truly. I'm very blessed and words cannot express how grateful I am that I have these blessings.

But... there is an unspoken and very quiet corner of my heart that only God can see and I can feel (and you can read about). It's like being at a party. A really big party with tables all around and at the very back of the room is this table that was simply put there to fill up the corner and to balance out the room. It sits there in a spot where the lights don't quite reach and no one cares to sit there. It is a place that you could go to get away from the party without leaving. It is a quiet dark place where you can sit in the shadows and watch the party unnoticed. I feel like I have a quiet place like that in my heart that I visit once in a while. The past few days as the holidays approach, I feel myself staying there longer and visiting more frequently. I long to be fulfilled and peaceful. I yearn for the joy I know I could feel. I imagine myself visiting there with our future child. I imagine her sitting there silent beside me, both of us only aware of the other's presence and nothing more. In this quiet place I find my thankfulness and pray it will soon follow me onto the dance floor of life. Keep dancing and enjoy the party, I'll be there soon....

Guilty... and it isn't my fault!

I have become increasingly aware of the guilt that comes with Infertility. I feel guilty every single day for various reasons. Isn't it enough that I have to go through all the stuff that comes with the title? I can just see someone "upstairs" saying "Oh, let's make all this heartache worthwhile and dump a boat load of other crap on her too. It can be a well rounded learning experience."

Here are some things I've been guilty about lately...

1. I feel guilty for all the crazy mood swings I put my husband, family, and coworkers through on a day to day basis.

2. I feel guilty for not revelling in the joy of a new birth in our church, at work, or even in our family. It is truly a miracle for them and I hate that I feel so bitter and grumpy about their happiness.

3. I feel guilty for failing myself. I feel like I should have done more or prayed more or been more. Maybe if I had worked harder or if I did more for others or... something....

4. I feel guilty for the pain that my husband has to go through month after month only to be followed up with some seriously grumpy days from his wife.

5. I feel guilty for thinking that I would be a better mom than some women I see in passing. I see them in grocery stores and I think "If I had a child I would sooo not allow that to happen!" Truth be told? I don't know what I would do. Maybe that mom is having a really bad day and the child missed his nap or something. Maybe that mom is a single young mom doing the best she can which leads to number 6...

6. I feel guilty for being so angry at teenage or very young mothers. I understand that they should have been more responsible, but honestly isn't having your childhood ripped from you punishment enough without the added criticism and knowing glares from people like me?

7. I feel guilty for my lack of patience with other children on bad days when my bitterness runneth over. Sometimes the only way I can cope with having children frolicking in my presence is to make myself think I don't like what they are doing or convince myself they are driving me nuts.

8. I feel guilty for my questioning if all this is really worth it sometimes. I usually have this thought at a very weak moment and then of course I get a toothless smile from one of my seven year olds at school and a hug just because they are happy to see me and I immediately feel a flood of guilt.

9. I feel guilty that I turn down my friends invitations to go do things and I have isolated myself more or less over the years because the pain of seeing friends with babies hurts too much. I have let many many good friends slip to the wayside because I just can't bear the questions and glances and I hate that some of them have children and I don't.

10. Lastly I feel guilty for a very odd reason. This one takes a bit to explain so please bear with me....

I always heard as a child that sometimes people die so new souls can come to earth. I have heard that babies pick their families and I have heard that there are children in heaven waiting for us sort of like waiting for their turn. The latter of the two don't bother me too bad but the first one eats at me a lot lately.

I am terrified to become pregnant right now. My grandfather (mom's dad) is in failing health. He has been for many years but he keeps fighting on and he's such a wonderful man and I love him so much. Last night my grandmother (dad's side) had what we think was a stroke. It terrified me. I've had this in the pit of my stomach terror lately that one of them will get sick and die just so I can selfishly bring a baby into the world.

Now before I get a lot of "I can't believe you would think that!" or "How morbid and horrible you are!" thoughts let me say. This is only a manifestation of my trying to explain my infertility. I know we all have questioned why and even wondered what force of nature would have to change in order for things to line up and a baby fall in our arms.

One of the bizarre fearful rationalizations that I have come up with in the bottom of the bottom of my heartache is that maybe my heart and family is just full right now and in order to have another I will have to wait for one to leave. It is silly maybe but it is no less terrifying.

Last night as I heard my tearful mother on the other line explaining to me that no one knew what would happen at that point as they had also found pneumonia on top of the stroke and she was not doing very well, the bottom of my stomach lurched and I felt like I was going to be sick. I sobbed for hours. I wept bitterly pleading with God that this was not the case. At that time I felt it beyond irony that my just done hsg coincided with the wonderful throes of upcoming ovulation and the fear of losing a loved one. This morning my mother assured me that my grandmother is much better and in fact they have questions as to whether she really had a stroke or if her oxygen levels just got way too low because she has been stubbornly trying to prove she doesn't need her oxygen.

I'm not sure how to overcome this fear and pain that I feel about my grandparents to whom I am very very close, tiring and moving on to make way for the new. I have struggled for a while with it and after last night the fear has gripped me in a new way. I want my grandparents to see their first great grandchild and it breaks my heart to think otherwise.

I feel so guilty that I want a child so bad despite the thought of losing a loved one and I feel guilty for thinking such horrid and outlandish thoughts.

I'm going to go and look for a way out of this tunnel of guilt now....

HSG...

Today was it. I am so tired I will probably have to spend all weekend catching up on my lost nights of sleep over this. For those of you who are unfamiliar, a hysterosalpingogram (hsg) is a diagnostic test that they do with a dye injected into your girly bits that flows into your tubes and all that goodness and out into your abdomen if all is well. If there is a blockage which would prevent eggs from meeting their friendly fishies the dye will stop at the blockage.

Well anyway, first my wonderful little brother (who is a very good sport) was the one who took me to the hospital for the test. We had a bit of fun at school with him yesterday because he didn't know why he was taking me to the hospital just that he was. He was still a great guy and graciously waited in the waiting room for me and I made sure to thank him with dinner later on.

I got to admitting and at first the volunteer couldn't find me in the system. Finally a nice lady came and helped him out and got me all set up and then they walked me down to the waiting room for radiology. I was scared to death!

I wasn't scared so much about the procedure but more about the results which would determine our next step in the IF journey.

The radiologist was super nice and explained in detail the procedure and told me to go drop my skivvies and don a gown. The other radiologist who had set up the room forgot to put a gown in there so I had to wait a bit for her to hunt one up. Then they got me up on the table and I was shakin in my socks but geared up for the test and she came in to say the doctor had gotten stuck in a CT scan and would be 15 minutes to an hour late. She brought me a nice heated blankie and told me to just hang out (skivvyless) until he showed. I was about to doze off and he showed up. He was very nice and personable which is unusual in the medical world sometimes.

I want to stop a bit and tell about the procedure because before I had this I was terrified and I wasn't sure what to expect. Thankfully my Cysters at Soulcysters prepared me and I felt much more confident knowing what was going to happen so hopefully I can help someone else out too... bear with me....

The doctor came in and explained what was about to happen and we went through it step by step. I was told to lie on an x-ray table and the speculum was inserted. The doctor inserted a tiny catheter into my cervix and inflated a small balloon on the end of it. This was not exactly painful but I did feel a bit uncomfortable. It was nothing like having a urinary catheter but at the same time I did feel it going into my uterus but it wasn't so much painful as it was weird.

I did feel the balloon also but that wasn't as odd as the actual placement of the catheter. It took a minute to get the balloon in place and then he injected the dye. It was a strange feeling at first and then it did hurt a bit going in. It was almost like a burning but not exactly and it wasn't bad at all just (again) bizarre. They will take multiple pictures at different angles now. I was lucky to have a very new x-ray room where I never had to move. The x-ray machine moved all around me, but I had a friend at work that did have to change positions several times at her hsg. Once the pictures are done the speculum was removed. Some doctors will show you the results right there, some won't. My radiologist explained that with my doctor sometimes he just didn't think about it and that I should ask. She was great and went on to ask for me. The doctor stopped before removing the catheter and showed me the pictures and explained it to me. He then removed the catheter and exited stage left. By this point I was cramping a lot but it wasn't a heavy feeling like my af. It hurt more than it was heavy like af is for me. It wasn't unbearable at all though just a pain in the butt. the radiologist told me I could go get dressed and had a pad for me. I brought my own because I had been told that sometimes they don't provide those. I was more comfortable with mine anyway. She led me back out and took my ID bracelet and sent me on my way. The paperwork and prep for it took longer than the actual procedure which took maybe five minutes.

When I was done on the way home I was very thankful for someone to drive me home. The cramping was very uncomfortable and it was nice to not worry about driving. Again though, the pain wasn't that bad just like cramps sorta. Three hours later I'm not really having any cramps at all but I am still leaking a bit. The doc also told me to expect a bit of spotting and bleeding but that it was totally normal and did not mess up my cycle.

I will say, I came knowing there would probably be a bit of cramping so I had taken an 800mg ibuprofen before leaving the house so that it would have time to take effect. Was it totally necessary? For some maybe not. I think for me it was a really good idea. I also made sure to have a warm shirt and warm socks because hospitals are usually cold. It made the cold metal x-ray table bearable. The driver was wonderful and just knowing that it wasn't a painful procedure made it better. The results were the scariest part of the whole thing and they were what kept me awake at night. I have a lot of scar tissue from previous surgery though so the odds of a blockage were really high for me.

The results.....

ALL Clear!!!!!

Just hearing the results made the cramps seem so insignificant and the loss of dignity worth it! Let's face it though with IF there is never any dignity. Our girly bits are left out there for all to see.

I guess this means we are on our way to Clomid and I feel like maybe trying with a little more gusto this month. At least I know that things can get where they need to get. Hubby still needs to get his SA done but for now we can go on with our lives as planned. Sorry for such a long post but I wanted to share my experience in case someone else has the same fears or questions.

Borrowing the mommy title...

This particular situation has happened a lot in my life. I baby sat a little boy for a friend in high school (she was only a year older than me) while she worked a third shift job. I would pick the baby up after school and keep him while she slept and worked until 7am the next morning when I would drop him off and go to school. I loved it. But.... and this is the only place I have and will ever admit this... I found a guilty pleasure in keeping him all the time. It is one reason I never charged her for keeping him and why I did it for so long despite entering college classes early and ending up with a two year old and a very sick grandfather for a long time that I helped care for also (My aunt and uncle's son became deathly ill with a "mystery virus" and nearly died several times. This left his two year old sister at home over an hour and a half away needing a care giver. Of course my mom volunteered me trying to get me to stop caring for the other baby and therefore convincing me that teenage motherhood is unacceptable and uncool... if only she knew that it was an impossibility for me in the first place lol. Life is sick and ironic sometimes eh?).

Anyway, sorry for the rant, the pleasure I found was in the mommy title. When I took him out in public to the park or to "The World of Wally", or the mall, or just out for a ride, I found that I loved the idea that people saw me as his mommy even for a split second. I understood at the time and I was well aware that people thought ill of me as a very young mother of a very rambunctious baby but I didn't care. I loved the thought that for a little while I was only a technicality (a large one nonetheless) away from "mom."

That was only a small peek into the many guilty "mommy title stealer" moments in my life and last night I added one to the board. "Dan and Dot" came over with the baby last night and hubby and Dan of course had one too many. Dan had planned to get his boys a Wii for Christmas and they were to go on sale in our small town World of Wally at midnight. They only had a few of them in stock so we set out at 11:30, drunk men in tow to buy a Wii. Just as we left the men got so rowdy that they woke the baby up. They certainly made the trip interesting and us women chose to leave them to wait half an hour in electronics while we rambled around. Dot was busying herself looking at something and I was oohing and ahhhing with the baby pushing the cart around and around the store trying to keep her from remembering that she should be asleep and that she hated being in her carseat. I ran into an old flame from high school and he just stopped and looked at me funny. He said hi and then asked how the "Little one" was and admired her for a bit and we went our own ways. I felt so guilty. I never once told him that she wasn't mine. Really and truly the encounter was far too short to go into an explanation like that but I felt like such a fraud.

Why was I so ashamed of myself? It has eaten at me a bit today and I can't shake it from the back of my mind. It made me feel so guilty, like I had commited a serious crime or lie. I've allowed myself many times to enjoy the pleasure of borrowing the title with my nephew and even my cousins but never before have I felt so guilty about it. Was it just simply that I knew that Dot was nearby or was it the fact that I want to have that title so badly and it hurts so bad and I am terrified that this is the only way I might ever be considered mommy? I know it isn't that big of a deal I guess but it really has irked me that I've become so "addicted" to the mommy idea that I would consider borrowing another woman's child just to be considered a mommy even if for only a second.

Have you ever had this happen? Did you ever feel this way? Inquiring minds want to know....

Work Darn Body, Work!

So... I had an hsg scheduled for tomorrow. I was a great deal grumpy about this being Halloween and all. I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do but I guess Auntie Flo decided for me. I was really worried about the cost but after talking to the pre-registration lady I was ok about that and all the what-ifs that come with insurance and such. Anyway, I told her that I couldn't do the test tomorrow because Aunt Flo didn't want to leave and she had shown up late of course (she is the rudest guest I have ever had!). Well of course I get the only new pre-reg nurse in the building and she has no clue what to do with me. They don't do these often apparently and to top it all off my wonderful doc had scheduled me for two tests back to back. Now I only know about an hsg. No clue about any other test other than hubby's test. I really think it would be nice to know what they are going to do to me don't you?

Well anyway, after a 20 minute wait on the phone she finally came back and said the only time she could fit me in would be after my 6-10 day window so now I have to call back tomorrow and talk to a "supervisor" about what they want to do with me. I imagine this will mean I will have to wait until next month which I am sooo sick of hearing! I have been "waiting for next month" for five friggin years people! Enough already!

Anyway, I don't know what is going on right now but I'm about ready to roll up my sleeves and turn myself inside out for a good pep talk with my inner parts. This game is getting really old and apparently no one with a medical degree can talk a good enough talk to at least get the dice rolling.

Sorry for the rant today. Just wanted to update and well... rant. Back to your regularly scheduled blogging now....

Inching Forward

It is 11:30 at night and I have finally gotten home and settled in for the night. I stayed at the school working on a fun nonsense little craft project with my sister until just past 10. We made cute little haunted houses out of tissue boxes, paint, glue, tissues, cotton balls, and yarn (for the ghosts). It was the first time in a while that sis and I have really gotten to sit down together and hang out. She moved to a dorm about two hours away this year and oddly enough our sistership has gotten much stronger. The girl I used to lock in a closet or torment with ideas that our neighbor ate small children and our back yard was haunted turns out to be a pretty neat person after all. Don't get me wrong, since I got married she and I have gotten a great deal closer but here lately we find ourselves sitting on the phone for hours just talking about everything from the latest dish on our men to "Holy cow! You should see this stuff on my bathroom wall! What do you think would kill/clean that?!?!" (Hey dorm life and men can grow some straaange things in any bathroom even if you scrub it daily!)

So anyway, sis and I had a great time tonight just us girls and I think she helped me make it through what could have been a rough and carnage filled night. Turned out, it was just carnage filled.

I'm trying to creep forward with life. As of this very second I am scheduled for an hsg on the 31st and I know I have to reschedule. I am so relunctant to even consider the thought of doing this and I had to ask myself why I kept changing the subject in my brain every time the thought ran through. I know it is simply because this is just a horrid neon flashing light to me that I am broken still. Since being on the metformin I have been able to hoodoo my brain into believing that as long as I took a pill twice a day I could pass for an "unbroken." Now I have to dive deeper into my brokenness and I am bitter and rebellious about it. I'm petrified about the cost and even more petrified about the results. This isn't just a test to "rule out" or "play it safe" with. This test was ordered in my case due to some pretty serious incriminating evidence. The scaring I have from childhood raise red flags and I just don't want to consider how possible it is that I am even more broken than once thought.

I'm not sure how to handle all of this with af and hubby's job that I am adjusting horribly to, all topped off with my 8th (or 9th or 10th... I lost count) schedule starting next week. There just seems to be too much turmoil to add in the bitter taste of infertility. I'm not sure what to do or how to proceed. I'm certain that the first step is to call the doc's office and inform them that af has once again foiled my plans and slipped under the fence refusing to be tamed. For now I'm just going to try to get through tonight. Tomorrow is Friday and perhaps the relief of the impending weekend off will help me trudge through my call to the doctor's office and make an appointment again. Shouldn't be hard for the nurses to pull my files so it shouldn't take long. I'm the only one in the office that is filed in the broken section of the files. That's ok. I've worked my way to the front of the file obviously and I am planning a very risky jump in the near future to the "maybe almost close to being not as broken as once thought" file.... Stay tuned....

The Razor Edge of Hope....

So today I decided to be brave and buy a test. I haven't even leaked to my hubby that I was late. I was terrified to even consider the chance. I came home and gave it a go and (I kid you not!) whilst in the midst of testing "she" showed up. Right then! It was a huge smack in the face. I'm not really sure what to do with myself about it either. I have never felt quite like this about a negative or even AF's appearance, but today I just feel like someone sucked out the last drops of hope I had and spit them out in front of me on the ground to seep into the dirt and be washed away by the rain that has finally blessed us.

Usually I have tears or anger. I have frustration or bitterness. Today I have an emptiness. This feeling right here. This empty "why bother" sort of feeling just encapsulates how I feel about my infertility. There is always waiting and emptiness. My arms, heart, and home feel empty and there is a sense of desperation and yearning to fill up that hole.

I know that this is just a low point in the journey and that I will eventually dust myself off and get back on the coaster. Perhaps tomorrow or next week. Maybe even next month. Right now I would consider next year a more likely possibility. As I make it through the week, the disappointment will wear off and be replaced with hope for the next cycle perhaps. Some women have periods each month. I feel like I have much more than that. I feel like mine mirrors a much more deep and complex process each month in which I have to shed the veil of grief to walk back into the realm of hope and desperation again and again. Need to know about grief? Ask me or any of my other infertile friends out there. We live side by side with grief every day either dreading it, fearing it, or working through it.

I'm going to go cook a pizza, for dinner, hang out on the couch with the pups and induldge in carby pizza, sugary caffeinated soda, chocolately gooey brownies, and maybe top it all off with a glass or two of wine.... The only solace during my wonderful reunion with my favorite Aunt...

Ketchup!

Sorry to be so behind. I have been a bad blogger this week but things have been nuts. Hubby's new job is - well - nuts. He absolutely loves it and he's finally found a place with his kind of computer gaming peeps. He leaves at 3pm and I get home at 4pm. I go to bed around 10:30 and he comes home around 2am-4am (depending on overtime which he works a lot of in his department) and then I get up at 6:30. Anyone see any time in there for the tango? It just isn't gonna happen lol. It's ok we're just trying to adjust.

We have put off all of our testing till we have a more normal situation and we are more comfortable with the cost and how our insurance will handle things. I've stopped temping for now. My temps this month have done us no good due to the sleep disturbances, the inconsistancies in the outside temperature (When it gets the least bit chilly out, hubby loves to come in and jack the heat up to like 90 while I'm sleeping! He would keep it that way all year if I didn't raise such a fuss about it. Give me 70 all day every day!), and the inability to wake up on time this month. No biggie, we're winging it this month anyhow and I have to say it has been nice to just relax and not care this month.

I will have to say that having hubby gone at night has been a big change too. It is super nice to come home and not stress about a starving husband just as you walk in. I never realized how much time it takes to prep, cook, and clean up for supper every single night. I feel so pampered lately and I actually get some house work done during the week which hasn't happened since summer break ended! It feels good! On the other hand though, it's lonely. I miss him being here so much and I get bored sometimes too. This weekend was so much fun because we had so much to "ketchup" on with each other. We had missed each other's week entirely. Right now this is a good thing for us I think though. It is hard through the week to go without him here at night, but it makes the weekend and the time we do share more precious and more enjoyable.

My job has been a real mess lately too. We have lost the two top big wigs at our school board which has been a looong time coming and it has been cause for excitement I suppose but it means that once again things are changing. The two people that have gone kept the teachers in total turmoil up until this point and were making life horrible for everyone. We had over 20 teachers either retire or quit and more to come the following year if things didn't change. Finally the city stepped in and did something. All it means for me is that my schedule is once again changing. I had just gotten a new schedule last week and now I'm waiting on schedule #8. Usually you get one in August and it lasts till June. I'm so ready to just get in a routine at work and I know the teachers are too.

Anyhoo, sorry to be away for almost a week. I will try to do better! Stay tuned tomorrow to see if af caught the late bus in. She missed the 31 day cycle bus but last month was a 37 day cycle so I'm tapping my toes right now just waiting. I've been feeling a bit icky though so I'm pretty sure she's on her way over. I'm just hoping I can get it done with before the weekend. It would stink to have af here during the short time hubby and I can spend time together. That would mean two weeks of inconvenience. Oh well, I've learned that old Auntie is the stubbornest most spiteful heiffer I've ever known and she will not be controlled! Someday I will have the upper hand!

The Hidden Dilemma

Heya Heya.

I had several things on my mind tonight to discuss but for whatever I can't for the life of me string up a full thought for almost all of them. Could it be because tomorrow is CD31 and my temps went south for the winter this morning? I am assuming as of now af is picking up her bags from the terminal as we speak. Oh well. No biggie. We expected as much this month.

Anyhow, on a better note.. Hubby loves loves loves his new job! It is going to kill me though! He comes in at all hours inevitably waking me up. He is also gone before I get home leaving of course a path of havoc and debris in his wake. I'm still trying to figure out the whole supper thing but I guess we'll adjust right? Grrrr.

Ok enough stalling....

Remember Dan and Dot? Well, I've been more than certain that my attempts to bond with and befriend Dot have gone no farther than our front door. Tonight out of the blue, she called. I have to say (just because my guilt has been immense for feeling that way) that I was more than bothered that the phone was ringing yet once again and interrupting my half arsed gesture towards housekeeping. She has never called me before. I said hi and she very cheerily sent a "Hi!" back. Hmmm... Let's try something else... "How are ya?".... silence.... "Dot, are ya ok?"

I could feel her face crumble into sobs. It was so painful. It seems that they have put her on the pill since giving birth and it is cause for some serious concern. I have noticed as aforementioned that her moods and a depressed state has befallen her. Dan is far from supportive and understanding. He angers fast and hard when she gets upset. In addition her "desire" has all but vanished. Dan of course assumes she no longer finds him attractive (How on earth did men grow to be such arrogant pompous jerks that immediately jump to the conclusion that every feeling or tear we have has to be because of them and their attractivenes - or lack thereof?). This is the farthest thing I have ever seen from the truth. This poor girl would cross beds of hot coals, glass, and nails, and probably attempt to fight off the entire village of natives who put the beds there in the first place, just to be with him.

Anyway, sorry, rabbits are running wild tonight it seems. She tells me that she thinks (we've had several conversations about this and the possibility of post partem) that the pills are causing a lot of her mood issues and that she and Dan had discussed and agreed upon her stopping them. Well correct me if I'm wrong but.... If you were bashing your thumb daily with a hammer and it started to hurt or cause adverse health effects you would stop bashing said thumb with a hammer no? So what did she do? She called the doctor, discussed her options, and stopped the pill. (Insert man stupidity here!)

Dan decides tonight to come up with some elaborate romantic plan and of course he sent her previous notice of said plan with details listed in section b of this outlined plan with a summary at the end, alternate endings for variety, and an index just to keep things tidy. HA! Did I fool ya???

Dot told Dan that they would have to use alterior methods of "protection" (something I have to say I am totally clueless about! Why in this world would you want to protect those over dramatic and rather rebellious little eggies? Of course she and I don't live in the same world though so I guess I must agree to disagree) and he went off his rocker. "He had plans! Didn't she ever think about him?" "He was going to even drop the baby off at our house for said plans!" I'm glad he let me know about it! (phhht) She said she hated him being so mad but she was just doing what they discussed and didn't understand him being so mad at her. Dan of course hops on his video game and refuses to speak to her for hours.

I talked to her and told her she needed to stand her ground and understand that this is Not her fault! If the pill isn't working for her, it is her body and there is no way that she should feel guilty for taking care of her body. She is a new mom now. She needs to be the very best for her child and if that means not taking the pill, so be it. I did mention some alternatives such as the sponge but as I am not exactly the expert on such things I didn't have much to offer in the way of reliability and such. I am so frustrated with him being like this and I am frustrated that she can't stand up for herself.

Really and truly (Insert dramatic music here and prepare yourselves for the real problem...), I think the most disturbing part for me in all this mess is the fear that nags at me personally. I can't help hearing this nagging voice in my head that says, is it really what you want? I mean sure, we have been married much longer and we have planned for a child. We have cried for a child together. We don't have other children and we aren't living with either of our parents. Still, I see insensitivities in my husband sometimes that make me question him. Does he really want one as bad as I do? Will he be as concerned and doting as he says he will? I know my hubby loves to play his comp and he is the least likely candidate for the next Mr. Clean's. He hates it when I cry and gets frustrated easily. I also have a tendency towards depression at times and I occasionally jump into things with both feet and when possible a few spare feet I tuck away just for that purpose.

I need to know. At what point in the "trying game" do you erase that doubt deep down that you might be flinging dollars at doctors and downing medicines that make your life and those around you miserable, peeing yourself into dehydration, and eventually poking your girls till they finally pack up and leave, all to discover that after thousands of dollars and years of heartache it is not really the solution you were hoping for? Does everyone have this fear? Does it go away or do you just pray and hope that there is a happy ending at the back of the book?

Lazy Sunday, the Lint battle Chronicles

Not much to talk about today. Hubby starts his new job tomorrow so we tried to just kick back and enjoy life today. I didn't even cook! I go back to school tomorrow too as fall break has unfortunately come to an end.

I did manage to tackle the laundry monster into a semi-submissive state and I can finally feel as though I have for a short time (until tomorrow!) beaten the sock rats back into the closet for a little while longer. Oh how I dread laundry! To top it off, hubby and I took it down to be done (we go to the main office b/c couples in a one bedroom don't have kids to watch and therefore have loads of time to go waste in a hot filthy room waiting on clothes to wash and grass to grow!) and there was a bit of a wait on the dryers so we went on to dinner with Dot and Dan who were in major meltdown mode. We figured by the time we finished dinner the man who was putting his clothes in the dryer would be done. Grrr. Some lady came in whilst we were gone and dumped all our clothes on the top of the dryers. I hate hate hate the thought of people rumaging around in my skivvies! I cannot Stand it! While we were putting our clothes in dryer she came in and gave us the evil "I'm gonna curse any future laundry days you have!" look and changed out her clothes. Ususally I just put all of my stuff in one dryer and double up on the time. Tonight.... I put them in the only two dryers available so that even though her clothes were done washing she had no dryer! I can't help these tiny evil pleasures I indulge in at times. When I went to get our clothes they were again all piled up on the dryer wrinkled and all that. I was only mildly grumpy (HA!). She better watch out! I know her hip hugger basket's plate number and next time she leaves her clothes unattended I might accidently pull them out and dump em all on the floor!

This is sad! The only thing I have exciting to show for my last day of break is a vicious laundry battle with some woman I don't know who rummaged in our knickers.

I will say though we had a bit of fun with our pups today. We gave em a bath and Parkie looks rather adorable in a Yoda sort of way... if I do say so myself!....

I feel Goat-geous!

Well, I did last night anyway! My sister and I went to a spa party that two of her best friends did. It was so much fun! They are both college kids trying to make some cash and have some fun but those products were awesome! We started out with some relaxing music and a hand massage that never really got under way b/c most of the party goers were the girls' family members with kids under 5 running amuck ( Do their have to be adorable kids every single place I go???). No biggie, they had ordered pizza and there were some munchy snacks of course.

Once everyone had eaten and the kids were quietly tucked in a corner with a pile of toys (quietly? Really? Neatly tucked in a corner? haha!) we started the party. We painted seaweed masks on each other and lip peels. We played with micro "scratch your face off with sand paper" smelly good stuff. We used this hand stuff that was amaaaazing and played with foot lotions and other fancy schmancy stuff to pamper ourselves with.


It was fun though and I rarely get to indulge in things like that. I came home with a very inexpensive bag of goodies and I even scheduled myself a party! The girls need the bookings and I have a ton of teacher ladies that would line up at my door to play with this stuff after a long week. Plus I get a lot of free products that I would never convince hubby to let me buy otherwise! I made sure to schedule it for a day long after hubby's first check too! (hehe) Now all I have to do is find some chairs lol.


We got up this morning and hit the Goat festival. Well that was the plan. My sister wanted to go but not alone and hubby had invited the friends that were supposed to come over last night to tag along with us. We'll call them Dan and Dot.


Dan is a self absorbed sort of guy. He doesn't like Dot to go anywhere or do anything and she never fights back but sits at home alone with a mother in law and a new baby all day and all night doting on his every need. A week after the baby was born he insisted she start going to the gym with him and well, that's the way they are. He always gets his way and I love him to death but he ticks me off!


Hubby was on the phone with them for an hour this morning discussing what to do and where to meet and they ended up hanging up, taking showers, getting ready, and calling each other back to discuss details again. They are like school girls I swear! Dan decided we should meet him at the gym (?!?!?) so we could follow him the 1.5 miles to the goat festival (again ?!?!?!) and park side by side. He proceeds to park almost a mile away, despite the parking clearly available right there at the event and we unloaded two boys and a 6 week old with all that stuff that goes along with a baby and her stroller and we finally took off hiking.


Once there I left to find sis and they took off without us (of course) so sis and I hung out and walked around till we ran into them (at this point that was totally accidental! I was just gonna head home with sis and let the two "attached at the hip" boys and their side kicks do their thing") and went to find food. Dan insisted make getting food the most complicated thing I've ever seen and then after that proceeded to the kids inflatable jumpy park that they we had passed twice. Once there they were taking it down (of course!) and Dan and Dot were ready to go.


Had hubby and I gone together we would have wandered around, looked at the goats, taken in some music and food, shopped, you know. Had fun. This was a pain and it really upsets me a lot. Not for the reasons I would have thought though. Sure it was a pain in the butt and I was irritated to start with today but it terrifies me to think that we are going through all this stuff to have kids and become like them. Does it all have to be such a pain when you have kids. Is this really what we are saving so much for? I mean honestly we are stashing back enough cash that we could easily put a nice down payment on a fancy little house in the country but instead we plan to use it for injections and procedures and the like. Can't you have kids and with a little common sense planning, enjoy a day out with activities for both the kids and the parents without making everyone's life miserable?


All in all though, the goats were funny and I did get a great amount of sun and exercise. Sis and I got to hang out a while and shop too so it wasn't too bad I don't guess. Dan and Dot are on their way over now so the men can play their games and I can entertain two boys and a 19 year old mom and her baby for hours while trying to scream over the din of double surround sound war games. Fun fun fun!!!

Oh well, here are some pics of the goats to maybe smooth out the icing! You all enjoy them while I struggle through the night and attempt to figure out how the game ended today....

Plans, jobs, and goats...

We had this great plan today. We were going to drive to hubby's interview together so he could sign his papers, pee in a cup, and find out the details on his job. He was told to be there between 10 and 11 so we had plenty of time for him to sign, talk, pee, and then trek almost an hour backwards to the doctor's office by 1pm right? Phhht! You all should know by now that our lives never work out like this!

We got there by 10:50 (Snooze is a bad thing in our house! Add that to "Darn we forgot the keys!" and "Gas would be good dear!" and well we were behind a bit.) We had managed in the midst of the madness to overlook breakfast, but we were on our way. At 1:30 hubby comes out to inform me that we would be late to our appt and that he had been in there taking tests like a school boy but had passed with an increase in his pay provided he got the job. At 2:30 he came back out to tell me that he had the job and that they had bumped his pay up a tiny bit more once they got his school records and found out how far he was commuting. At 3:00 he came back with a real paper! And keys in his hand! Yay! We were off to pee in a cup! On the way he filled me in. He will be working 6 days 10 hours each. He will be on 2nd shift 4:30pm-2:30am plus an hour each way for drive time.

This is a good spot to point out that I work for the school system here and I work from 7am-4pm. I get up at 6:30 and go to bed at 10. Hubby will be leaving for work by 3pm and getting home at around 4am 6 days a week. Anyone see any potential reason why we might have to work harder now to procreate? Grrrr.

Anyhoo, we went to the pee place and were delayed an extra 15 minutes b/c hubby left a paper in the car they needed and apparently during that time he could have acquired some warm fresh pre peed pee from some anonymous donor. We then went back to the office where he proudly displayed his clean bill of pee and they handed him yet another piece of paper that had to be signed by the bank before he could start work because apparently fax machines are obsolete now.

At this point we are both starving, having missed breakfast and now lunch. We passed the "Eat Chikin not Cows" place three times drooling and never once saw the bank right beside it! Finally about to give up, we saw it and got that part of the day over with. After returning with the final paper they gave him his info about where to go etc and we were off!

Needless to say, we missed our appointment with the doctor, but we are just going to reschedule for our original appointment tomorrow and hubby can drop off the guys Monday morning. We managed to stop and eat before heading home and even rented a movie.

Once home lil bro stopped by to hang out and play a computer game with me and lil sis called finally to give me details on a spa party I had forgotten about and to finalize details about our Saturday fun!

Saturday.... is.... the... Goat Festival!!!! Yes it is true, we here in my tiny town celebrate our superior mating skills and the subsequent formation of the infamous fainting goat! There is music, fried food of all kinds, shopping, and of course the goat beauty show!

I'm excited, silly as it may be! We always have fun! Happy Friday!!!

Yay! Just in time!

Wow! What a beautiful day! It has cooled down here today and the sun is shining. Wonderful!

Anyway I was super excited to check the mail today and find my bracelet in the mail today! Serenity let it out that Bella Vida was doing something wonderful and my nosy self just had to go check it out! Stop by Bella Vida's today and get your very own bracelet!

I'm going to throw in Stirrup Queen's original post while I'm at it. Go take a look see and get the scoop on how it all started.

Hubby's SA is scheduled after much hemming and hawing with my doctor's assistant and the urologist's assistant for tomorrow afternoon. We will go in to "consult" with the doctor tomorrow and receive our "specimen collector." On Friday morning one of us (hehe hubby) will procure the specimen and we will whisk the little guys quickly to the doctor's office. I'm not sure how they expect us, living 45 minutes away, to get the little guys to the doc's office to be rushed over to the lab to be inspected within an hour, but by golly we're gonna try!

My hsg has been tentatively scheduled for Oct. 31st. Yup that's right! Whilst little goblins and ghouls are eagerly day dreaming of sugar saturated stupors and fanciful visits to their neighbors to beg for life's greatest candy goodness, I my friends, will don a paper gown, expose my girly bits to the world of radiology, and be injected with yummy gobbity gook which will later cause uncomfortable cramping and leakage sure to make any zombie or lagoony swamp critter proud!

That is, as long as my Aunt (Oh that pesky aunt!) cooperates! And barring any unlikely (HA!)double lines on those things I maintain a love, hate, pee relationship with.....

The Good with the Bad

Yesterday was a full day! I took hubby to work so that I could go out with a friend yesterday. She was afraid it would rain though and didn't want the baby out so we postponed our day. Anyway, hubby called me and said I had to come pick him up from work. They let him go yesterday. We've been expecting this for a long time. He was hurt at work and they gave him a really hard time about it. This company is notorious for booting injured workers. Oh well, he's looking full time now and hopefully he will be working by Monday.

We were dealing with that when our neighbor (We'll call him Joe, which is decidedly shorter to type than neighbor dude) popped in and asked hubby to come and help him with his computer. They have been working on his computer for several days now and finally narrowed it down to the RAM.

To give a bit of history on Joe: He's a computer guy who was injured in the military before being deployed and spends his time holed up playing games and such. He's the nicest guy I know and he's alone most of the time. He hasn't worked in a very long time and yesterday he got his first pay check from his new job that happens to pay very well!

He asked us yesterday to go out with him. We stopped off at the "Geeks R Us" store where he and hubby drooled over all the circuit boards for a while and then finally got the much desired RAM. Joe took us out to eat at a wonderful restaurant after. Hubby and I had some free movie tickets and we all went to see a movie afterwards and while waiting for the movie to start, Joe and Hubby played arcade games for almost an hour. They were like five year olds in a candy store with no adult supervision! After the movie Joe stopped to get a nice bottle of wine and some "jack" for hubby. We went back to our place where the two computer gurus set to work on Joe's comp and enjoyed a few drinks. Once Joe's computer was going they stayed up and played video games for a long time. I myself scooted off to bed with only the pups to keep me warm. It was a great night though and it made the rough morning not so bad.

So anyway, back to the ttc front...
The doctor's office called to confirm hubby's SA in the middle of us getting ready to go out. They are running it through our insurance for now which cuts the cost in half for us. I hope it sticks but this test isn't our concern. It is mine that is so concerning. The nurse had no news on my hsg and said she would let me know as soon as she found out more about it.

Hubby was funny about the SA. I was sure he would be all "Nuh uh! Not gonna happen! No way am I droppin my drawers and doin my buisness in a doc's office!" but surprisingly he laughed and asked if I would come and join him. He said we could make it fun and adventurous. Men!

Well, that is where we are right now. I had plans on tackling our mountain of laundry but I think I have tabled those plans for some r&r today. I'm trying to ignore the fact that FF says I'm 9dpo today and I want to enjoy every second of my break that I have left. Happy Wednesday!!!!

The end of the beginning

I did this once before and felt too naive and inexperienced to even begin to fathom the heartaches of infertility. Things have changed.

In March after a 5 month visit for the first time in a year with my Aunt Flo I finally went to the doctor. Of course I wasn't as concerned about the anemia and my tendency to fall out in the floor surrounded by three year olds as I was about "Why can't I get pregnant?" My doc was new to the town and at the time he was commuting some three hours one way once a week to see patients until he could establish his office. He was wonderful though! So positive and easy going. He threw around some fancy words like Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and Insulin Resistance. Oh yeah don't forget free testosterone, LH/FSH ratio, and of course the ever so wonderful annovulatory! Yup this was me.

To back track a bit my husband and I had been married for four years. We had been actively trying for as many years only we had both been terrified to involve the medical community in our personal and intimate "bits." I knew if we went to the doctors they would all say "You're broken and we're gonna slice, dice, poke, and prod till we get the answers." So we timed things and took an hpt every month (just in case!) and we cried and tried. Now finally this doctor gave me hope. He gave my problem a name and made it seem so easy to fix. Stir in some Provera to get things boiling, add a dash of Metformin, set the timer to baste regularly, and by Christmas we would be passing out the "Guess what" speeches. Hmph!

Provera worked like a champ. It was a horrid, painful, gruesome little goblin of a champ but it worked. The metformin.... well that's a whole other can of poo. It took a couple of weeks to get things figured out with the metformin. I had debilitating fatigue and at the time worked with 20 three year olds each day. Finally summer break came and the fatigue gradually wore off as I tweaked - no sliced, slashed, and dismembered my diet. I cut out all sugars minus a couple of fruits on the low scale of the glycemic index. I wiped out all of my white flours and hacked off my corn and most legumes. Then I tackled the potato monster to the ground and sucker punched him into oblivion. Finally I could breathe without needing a nap! My GI issues subsided and life resumed with a new hopefulness. We were gonna have a baby!

We tried the metformin with wonderful success for a few months (5) and I managed to drop 30 pounds and kick all artificial sweetners during that time. That in turn juiced up my water intake to almost 96 ounces a day!!! ( I spent a large portion of my summer peeing!). During all of this we had moved into a new apartment. I found a job closer to home so that in the event of a pregnancy I wouldn't be commuting and I wouldn't have nearly as stressful a job as I had before. I had the same benefits but we had to wait a couple of months for them to roll over.

Fast forward past three months of horrible waiting, pacing, and peeing. Four or five calls to the doctor to ask "what if" questions and rearrange appointments to coincide with that ever so wonderful 14 dpo. We had a few monumental "I never want to drop my knickers for you or breathe in your general direction again" arguments and then a few nights of "Can't we squeeze 25 hours of snuggling in before we start tomorrow?"

Today I went to my doc and he gave me the end of the beginning.
I was supposed to go in for a simple, "Wow! 30 pounds! Wow! Look at those temps and that cycle! Here, let's have a party complete with rubber glove balloons and a round of p4 tests on the house! Oh and happy day! Here's a script for clomid! See ya in three months just like we discussed!

Wrong!

As I said my doc is new in town (not new as in young and handsome just new as in he moved here to be closer to his aging parents. A very noble thing in and of itself.) and he has a new fangle-dangled computer thingy that he wanted to input my info in. So here we go, thyroid disease, hypertension, cancer, diabetes, paternal, maternal, blah blah... Ah yes.... What surgeries did you say you had again? Adhesions... Hmmm stop right there....

I had a surgery as a young child that resulted in adhesions (scar tissue) forming around my appendix. Four years later I had to have my appendix removed after it was blocked up and tried to explode. The 20 minute surgery turned into an hour and a half and my one inch scar stretched to a massive nine inches! Then at sixteen I was told by a gyn that reproductive issues weren't a concern at my age and that an internal surgeon could help alleviate my pain by removing some scar tissue for me.

This led my new and wonderful, head cheerleader worthy doctor to prescribe an hsg and an S.A. for hubby and I. These tests mark a crossroad for us. Behind door number one... we get a 3 month go with clomid and a little boost of progesterone. Behind door number two... dh has a bad report and we walk down the hall to IUIs of course not covered by insurance. Door number three... now there's the kicker! Behind door number three is the reality that I have a blockage compounded by my body's inability to heal without massive scaring and we are carted off to the wonderful world of IVF. This ladies and gentlemen is the end of the beginning....