A note for the future...

My precious child:

As I lie here drifting to sleep in the fading light, I cry. I cry silent invisible tears bursting with immeasurable sadness. I gaze upon the starry skies wishing my arms could reach high into the heavens wresting you from its angelic grasp. I would cradle you close and gaze into your beautiful face. I would smile and caress your soft fingers as I took note of your features. You would have Daddy’s nose, and Mommy’s eyes. Your happy coos and grunts would be like heaven’s symphony on my heart.

We would snuggle close drifting asleep together as I dreamed of the parent I would be. I want to feel my heart burst with joy at the sound of your laughter. When you cry I would not only be your shoulder. I would wrap you tight and close with a mother’s love, shielding you from the pain and sorrow you felt. I would be that parent who shows up unexpectedly to class, sitting alone in the back with tears of pride spilling down my face as you read your first “What I did on summer vacation.” I would hug and kiss you no matter your grimace or protest, knowing that someday you would come back to me seeking out hugs and kisses once more.

Someday my child, you will finally find your way into my arms and I pray that you can understand just how very much you are wanted and loved already. I dream every night of the joy you will bring to our lives and I often find myself imagining your personality and the funny quirks you will surely have. I have fought for six long and painful years to find you and bring you home. There have been times when the pain was so immense and I felt I had no more fight to give. Then, your face appears in my heart and I suddenly find the will to stand up and move on. I will never give up on you my angel and every tear, scar, and painful memory will be worth just a moment spent with you in my arms.

Love,
Mama

The best gift of the year (more of a tell than a show)

This Christmas has been one of my favorites. Our family had such a great time this year and as corny as it sounds, we loved each other more than we have in a long time. With that being said, I have struggled internally the past few days. I feel so selfish. We had such a great opportunity and blessing to celebrate this year and yet I have these empty holes in my heart.

Behind the smiles and joy, I had some serious aches that left me with an unsatisfied or incomplete feeling as everything drew to a close. The first obvious hole is of course a very raw and painful one. I felt like Hubby and I were frauds as we hung ornaments on our tree and set out decorations in the house. Our tree never saw a gift underneath it and there were no children to snap pictures of in front of it. As painful as it is however, this is a wound that has been there a very long time and is felt every single day.

The other pains are empty spots in my life where others once were. I have a difficult time letting relationships go and I often feel like I have a tangled web of missing people following me everywhere I go. It always seems to hurt more acutely around the holidays. This year for whatever reason, I really had a couple of people on my mind. I even dreamed about them. I prayed and wished to run into them, knowing they would be near home for the holidays. As Christmas came and went, my heart sank, and I shrugged, hoping that maybe someday we would cross paths again.

Today, one prayer was answered! I hung back after church today to see what my parents were doing. I usually just go on home, but I thought maybe we could all go out to eat today. We hemmed and hawed a bit between two restaurants and finally headed out. As we sat down, a familiar voice caught my ear and I turned towards it instinctively. Recognition flooded my heart and I smiled as I saw the owner of the voice. The father of my best friend throughout school was standing at the buffet table talking to his youngest daughter. My heart fluttered for just a moment with hope, but I am no stranger to disappointment, so I just sat there trying to plan my next step.

Now, a bit of background info... This friend and I were actually part of a trio. We were all the very best of friends and even dressed up as three peas in a pod one year for Halloween. When I was raped, our relationship took a hard hit and we all fell apart. The last week of my senior year, we came back to each other briefly before heading out in separate ways to grow up. This particular "pea" and I just never kept in touch very well despite several visits and many desperate attempts to salvage our friendship. Eventually, I got married, moved, and the visits and calls stopped. I haven't seen her in almost eight years. I miss her so much and of all the things I grieve most from my rape, the loss of her friendship is probably the most painful.

I heard from my sister that she and her husband had a little girl a few months ago. My sister was friends with her sister through fac.eb.ook and I managed to get set up on there just so I could see the pictures. I cried for days that she had a baby and that I had missed it. I also cried that she had one and I didn't. Then I cried for being so selfish and bitter. I emailed her sister and asked her to pass along a message. That was the last I heard though.

Anyhow, I sat in the booth with my parents and my palms began to sweat and my heart started to race. My eyes followed her dad back to his seat, but I chickened out and looked away before he reached the table. What if she didn't want to see me. What if this turned out to be another disappointment. She might not even be there I reasoned. They did live 500 miles away after all. Still, this tiny voice kept urging me to look. It was the first Christmas they would have with their new baby. Surely they would visit.

Her sister made her way back to the table and once again I followed her with my eyes. This time I summoned up enough courage and followed her all the way. My heart stopped. There was my best friend. I just stared for a moment. I held up a hand and whispered breathlessly to my mom that I would be right back. It was like one of my dreams. My feet carried me on their own accord across the room. I stopped short with trembling hands and tapped her on the shoulder. The joy that flew into her eyes overflowed my heart. We hugged and then without a word she turned and held out her hands toward a car seat. "Look," was all she could say.

I peered into the eyes of one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen. It was so surreal. Perhaps it sounds a bit dramatic or silly, but I could see our past, present, and future in that child. She would someday giggle like we did and carry on the traits I loved best in my friend. It was an amazing moment that I will cherish forever.

Her family greeted me with so much love and I felt as if I had never left their lives. We exchanged numbers and emails and more hugs. Our meeting only lasted a few moments, but it will stay with me for a lifetime.

As I made my way back to my seat, tears glistening in my eyes, I whispered a thankful prayer for the best present I have gotten so far. I didn't eat much and my parents' conversation was merely white noise in the background. I could almost feel the hole in my heart heal itself and warmth flood my body.

On the way home, the tears flowed and I again thanked the heavens for my blessing. Then, daring only to whisper it silently in my heart, I prayed that perhaps I would be fortunate enough to heal two holes in my heart this year...

Check out what everyone else is showing...

Let's all take a nap!

Whew! What a week! I hate the bittersweet feeling that hangs over the day after Christmas. The radio did not greet me with the joyful ring of bells, the tree looks naked without any presents under it, and I struggled this morning waking up. I feel like I should be rushing somewhere or scrambling to finish something for someone. Truth is, aside from visiting my grandmother at my parents' house later on, I have nothing truly on the agenda. It is nice to gain a sense of control and peace again, but I will miss the excitement.

I am exhausted, but my Christmas was fabulous! I fixed up gag gifts for everyone this year, and it made for a ton of fun as each person opened up their gift. My grandfather laughed which is something he doesn't do much lately. We even took a family photo! We haven't done that in years.

The big kicker about this year was having it at my parents' house. When they bought their house, we had Christmas there a couple of years until we found the damage in the bathrooms. The water damage was severe and throughout both bathrooms. Dad began tearing it all out and rebuilding. He was determined to do it all himself and then cancer hit. It put things on hold for a while, and he has slowly built himself back up working on it here and there. He finally got enough time off this year and the weather and his health all cooperated enough that he could finish both bathrooms! They are beautiful!

We had to work hard this week to clear out the remodelling debris, tools, leftover supplies, etc to ready the house for people to come over. My grandfather, being a carpenter has always helped my dad with every project. This was one he couldn't help with. Mom and Dad were desperate to get my grandfather over to the house for his approval on their work. That nod of approval was the best present anyone could ever give my parents! The look on their faces was priceless, and I will cherish that look forever.

My dad's mom came over yesterday, and we all spent the majority of the day alternating our nap and television spots. At one point, I think everyone in the house was asleep except my dad. We finally got up and fixed dinner and opened presents with each other. After that, we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning playing cards and watching movies.

I had so much fun this year. Even Hubby joined in with the card playing for the first time, and for once didn't push me out the door (He's a bit of a Scrooge at times). I hate that all our fun has ended, but it will be nice to get back into a normal flow again.

I hope that your holiday was as fun and fulfilling as mine was!


***Oh yeah, just as an aside...I'm pretty certain that at some point during all the craziness, Sheldon has joined us. Hubby and I did take time to say a special Merry Christmas to him and whisper a quiet prayer that he could stay. I'm not exactly sure how far into things we are this month because we couldn't temp, but I imagine that right after the new year we will find out. It would be an absolute miracle amidst all of the craziness we have had going on, but it would be a miracle under any circumstance, so perhaps we can hold out hope...

Tis the Season to be sorry

I'm truly, truly sorry for my crappy blogging lately. It has been a rough week! Today was the last full day of school, so I have been busy helping teachers get things ready and getting gifts and such ready myself. I have been working my little fingers to the bone and my favorite crochet needle is starting to show some serious wear and tear!

I always try to be creative with my gifts and the economy certainly made it a necessity this year to try and make all of my small gifts for teachers, friends, and such. I made dish cloths, flower scrubbies, hats, ornaments, blankets, and baby dolls over the past week or so. I managed to sell a few items too and I will not be allowing my fingers any sort of holiday. I am going to have to work hard to finish a little purple and cream dress during my vacation. Truth be told, I still have a little baby doll in there begging to be finished and I am fighting the guilt back as hard as I can to take a break and blog for a bit. I love that people want to buy stuff though, so I will just buy new needles and if necessary, perhaps I can find a few replacement fingers at Wally World too!

There isn't too much news to share. I did update the gingerbread list a bit. You all have been so fabulous with this project and I think I will definitely try this again next year. The children have loved it, but I think the adults have gotten even more fun out of seeing where we will get a card from next. The Gingerbread Man showed up at our school yesterday and I managed to capture him. We took a vote and decided to gobble him up, so I fought and struggled and finally broke him to pieces so each child got a bit of him. I wish I had been able to video the discovery for you all to see. There was much (and I mean much) rejoicing in our hallway! *If you have mailed in a card that hasn't gotten here yet, fear not, we have a plan. We are going to share these with the kids too after break and take that opportunity to discuss the logistics of mail travel!

Sheldon should be arriving any moment to visit with us at least for a couple of weeks. I did not temp this month because my sleep has been very spotty and minimal. I didn't think that it would be very acurate and I was so tired that I couldn't remember even if I wanted to! Hubby has woken me up several nights this week with the crochet hook still moving in my hands. He just laughs at me and says "I think you are done for the night." I did receive the eggy signs yesterday though, and I am praying that we caught it despite the lack of temp tracking. I really did miss that peace of mind that I get with it this month.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts for my dad. He is still very sore and bruised, but he is doing fine and has been at work all week.

I'm sorry this has been a sort of bullet pointed post, but I am too tired and have a million things running through my mind that are competing for top priority. I hope that you will accept a picture of my tree as a consolation prize. Perhaps it will brighten your day...

Snow and Tell

The most amazing thing happened this week! It snowed! I can't believe it! The last time it snowed here in December was my senior year of high school. Even then, it waited until the 30th to fall. I have never seen snow so beautiful and huge in my life! My mother remembers one year when she was in college that the snow came down like it did on Thursday night. I was in awe. We didn't have flakes of snow. They were chunks. At one point a fat one smacked me on the cheek and it covered my entire cheek! It was amazing and wonderful.

The day was not all flakes and snowballs though. That afternoon my mother had come to me around one o'clock telling me that Dad had fallen and she was headed to the hospital. I turned into a mess. I scrambled to get Mom's classroom ready for the next day and called Hubby to come pick me up early from school.

Once home, I spent a lot of time on the phone calling my siblings and my grandparents to let them know about Dad. The ice started about 4, but my grandmother assured me it would only last an hour.

Mom and I were planning on going to a special friends and family sale and we worked feverishly to get my dad sewed up, settled at home, and make it to the sale in time. By the time Mom picked me up the flakes were falling hard and were huge! The ground was white and I had decided that maybe my cro.cs had been a bad judgement call despite the clomid induced fire living in my feet.

We finally got dad situated and piled into the car. Moments after leaving the city limits, my mother decided perhaps it would be best to turn back. In her words "For 50% I would keep going, but for 35%, I think we'll stay home!" You could no longer see the road. It was so bizarre for our town to get anything like that! Especially with no true forecast of snow!

Mom went to get us all dinner and headed for my house. Hubby had called to say he was home and warned us that it was bad. I told him we had just driven the same route minutes ago and we would be ok. I should have listened! It was icky! Roads that were clear only ten minutes before, were now solid white with a glistening layer of ice underneath. About halfway to my house I decided there was no way my mom could get up the hill into our complex. I called Hubby to bring me down a better pair of shoes and stuffed our dinner in my backpack. Mom dropped me off at the foot of the hill and finally managed to turn around and crawl to their house. I met Hubby halfway up the hill and switched my cro.cs for a pair of his tennis shoes. We trekked onward to the house.

About nine o'clock it finally stopped snowing and we were left with about three inches of snow and ice. For some of you northern folks that doesn't sound like much, but for us, here in December, that's insane! It was so beautiful though. School was closed on Friday and Hubby and I stayed up late. I alternated between watching movies with him and slipping outside to enjoy the still, cold, peace of the night.

The next morning, while most of the town slept, I crept out to capture a few pics before the snow melted...

The view from our balcony overlooking the town.

The driveway through the complex. It looked like this until about four that afternoon!

My favorite pic. I love my camera! The snow was a perfect, heaven sent addition to my Christmas present!

Lost! (A Show and Tell Post)

The children worked very hard this week to make sure that everyone would be on the lookout for their beloved gingerbread boy. I promised them that I would put them up on the internet so that everyone would see what he looks like and keep an eye out.

I hate to interrupt the fun and all but....

If you are wondering about gingerbread and laughing children please visit my other posts. This one has none of that. At least not for me.

I put up our Christmas tree tonight. This is always an emotional thing for me. I always debate putting one up, and I always give in. There is one moment that is always the deal breaker for me. I imagine myself curling up on the couch in front of the tree with quiet carols humming in the background. I love that one moment I always manage to steal for myself when I can just be. It is so peaceful and serene and I cannot bear the thought of missing that.

Hubby had to go in late tonight and I was left alone to decorate the tree. As I placed the ornaments on the tree, tears filled my eyes. Our ornaments feel so empty. Don't get me wrong, our tree is always beautiful and I love the ornaments I have collected over the years. We do have a few that mean a lot to me and warm my heart as I hang them on the tree. Still, there are no crooked cottonball snowmen or pipe cleaner candy canes. We have no "Baby's first" ornaments or handprints dangling amidst the twinkling lights.

Hubby and I will be the only ones to enjoy our tree. I go to all that work just for us. The emptiness in that moment each year is overwhelming. I hate it. I am so frustrated that we will not have any gifts under that tree. We won't toil away assembling plastic pieces in a frenzy, reading greek directions and scratching our heads. The hope and warm fuzzies aren't as full or warm for us. It makes me sad and weighs down my heart so much. There are times when that ache becomes so intense and I began to pray and wish for the season to quickly end so we can go on pretending again that we are happy just the way we are.

This is not enough for us though is it? Of course not. We are planning a last Christmas. It is the most heartwrenching thing I have experienced. I fight groping for every fraction of time I can get while resisting the urge to run and hide under the covers in a dark room, hoping I will wake up from this nightmare. The pain etched in all of our faces haunts my dreams at night.

You would think that would fill our quota, but no. Hubby called moments after I had hung the last ornament on the tree and told me that he has been cut down to two or three days a week at best. We don't know if this is a temporary thing or not. They had to cut out their third shift last week and Hubby had to give up his manager status. We were very thankful that he did not get let go, but our sails were deflated with the realization that there were six people displaced that were now scrambling to share hours with other people. I don't know what we are going to do.

Thank goodness our Christmas presents have mostly been purchased. I have some gifts at school, but I can crochet something there and get away with it. We have two family gifts to buy, but they won't cost very much and I'm pretty sure we can scrounge up a bit for that. We are blessed with only utilities and rent to pay. Still there are groceries and gas and Clomid. We also live, unfortunately a fairly meager life as it is, which makes it almost impossible to cut corners on anything without losing something vital.

How can I think of clomid at a time like this? I feel so selfish and silly, but I simply cannot miss a cycle when things are actually working for the first time in my entire life! Why? Why does He decide that we must travel the bumpiest narrowest paths so often? I have to start clomid tomorrow and despite the guilt that I am faced with, I am going to go on and take it. I pray that by the time Sheldon visits again, we will have a solution to this mess, and we can enjoy the holiday and make the most of such an important one for my family.

Hubby is going to start looking first thing Monday for another job I guess. This tiny town has very little to offer right now and there are tons of people already scrambling for work as it is. I pray his manager experience will help and that he can either find something super fast before things hurt too much or that he is given more hours again and we can move on.

We could use a few prayers right now. It breaks my heart to know that there are so many praying the same prayers alongside us. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Seems a little blue to me.

My cup runneth over and flooded the kitchen!

You all are amazing and wonderful people! It gives me the warm fuzzies to know that people like you are out there in the world! I cannot wait to see some of these cards and the stories to go with them. The kids are so excited about it and even the more street wise of the bunch are beginning to melt.

This is what childhood is about. So many of our children face some scary stuff at home. They care for baby siblings and sometimes even parents. They see abuse and neglect. They know what it is like to go to bed hungry and have moved more times than the number of years lived in their short lives.

Even the ones coming from good stable homes struggle with the untrusting and sad reality that our little town has been hit hard with the effects of the economy. They know the look of fear and worry. They have seen it on so many adults faces lately.

It makes me feel so good to know that with something so simple that perhaps seems so silly, we can preserve the innocence of childhood just a few moments more.

Even the teachers have been different this week. We check our mail boxes often each day and wait as anxiously as the kids do for signs of the Gingerbread Boy. The story of my internet friends has travelled far throughout our school and the other grades are waiting on their toes too. Nothing like this has ever been done before. Usually the teachers ask relatives to send in a post card, but in a small community like this, most of our family members are close by and we don't get very many sightings. This year will go down in history as the coolest year ever thanks to all of you!

Thank you all so much for helping us make their eyes twinkle with excitement and anticipation! I wish I could wrap up a hug and tie on a huge ribbon of smiles to send to each one of you!

***Updated****

Sorry about the confusion.

Here's the address:

Marshall Elementary School
c/o Friends of Gingerbread Boy
401 Tiger Blvd
Lewisburg, TN 37091


Just to keep you all in the loop with our story...

We baked Gingerbread Boy today. On our way back from lunch, we all went into the teachers' lounge to see if he was done and you would never believe what we found! The door on the oven was cracked open a bit and that Gingerbread Boy was gone!

This totally flipped the kids out. It was hilarious to hear what they thought had happened to him. One child even got religion on our side!

One little boy had brought his older brother's little Gideon Bible to school. It was a huge distraction this morning and I made him put it in his backpack. He was so distraught with the missing Gingerbread Boy that he had gone and gotten his Bible out right after lunch. When I walked in the room and asked the class if they had heard the news, the entire class erupted into exclamation of disbelief and excitement as to his whereabouts.

This little boy comes up to me with a very solemn expression on his face and the most adorable speech delay you have ever heard and said, "Mrs. Arian, Wook." He flipped through some pages in his Bible. He said "De onwy way we will eber find dat gingerbread boy is wif God." It was so sweet. We are in a public school and I have to watch my p's and q's about that stuff so I just patted him on the back and said "You keep looking for him."

Some of the older and more street wise of our bunch have really played it out much like they would to a younger sibling. I cannot wait to see the shock on their faces when we begin receiving postcards from him in different places and start reading about sightings all over the world!

This is one of my favorite kindergarten projects and I am sending much love and thanks to everyone that helps us with it!!!! I am going to try to keep you all posted on some of the fun sightings we get in (privacy respected) and let you know how the kids react. They are an endless source of hilarious stories this year!

Urgent!!!! Postcards needed!!!!!! ***with update***

Ok. When this situation was put in front of me, my first thoughts went directly to all of you! You are amazing and wonderful people that come through for just about anything someone could need.

Well, here's the thing...

During December our kindergarten classes read The Gingerbread Boy. We talk about gingerbread people and decorate them. We graph them, eat them...you get the idea. Towards the end of that week we always make a very large gingerbread boy for the classes to share a bite out of. Sometime during the baking process the gingerbread boy escapes.

Here's where you all come in...

We wait anxiously to hear from our beloved gingerbread boy and thanks to some careful planning, we start receiving postcards from people around the US and other countries with fun stories about their gingerbread boy sighting. We hang a large world map in the hallway and flag all of the different places he has visited. Close to Christmas break he will reappear one morning in a classroom and we let the children vote on whether to gobble him up or set him free again.

My mom hasn't done this for a few years and our close knit family doesn't stretch beyond the state really. We need some help with a few gingerbread sightings. I am hoping and begging for you to find it in the goodness of childhood fun to send us in a postcard. It would be awesome if you could find a postcard that has a local landmark or something to do with your state or country. I would absolutely love to get some out of country postcards if there is time.

You don't have to write very much. Just let us know where you were and what you were doing when you spotted him. (For example: Hubby and I were in the big city looking at the Christmas lights when we noticed a little gingerbread boy dancing and skipping down the sidewalk. We asked him where he was from and he told us about his escape from your school. We thought we would let you know we saw him and he seemed to be having a wonderful time!)

**** This is only for a school project. We burn or shred the postcards afterwards to prevent anyone from seeing addresses.

If you do not want to leave a return address, that is perfectly ok with me. I would ask that you at least put the city and state or country on there so that we can map it with the kids.

The address you are sending it to is the school's address. Please keep my privacy in mind as well and refrain from passing this address along to anyone else.

If you would like to, feel free to use pseudo names. Please if you would, at least put your blog site or refer back to my blog site on there. This way I know that the postcard is for my mom's room and has come from all of you.

If you could, once you send a postcard, put a comment on here so I know to be looking for it in my mailbox.


Thank you thank you thank you thank you! You have helped us create an awesome project for 82 kindergarteners. We know from past experience that they talk about this for years after.


Marshall Elementary School
c/o Friends of Gingerbread Boy
401 Tiger Blvd
Lewisburg, TN 37091

Packin Always in my Backpack

I must have ticked someone off up there really bad. I don't know what I did or how to repair thier bitterness towards us, but I'm going to do everything I can to fix whatever wrong has been done.

Yesterday we tested. It was early, but I wanted Hubby to be there when I did. We bought one of those "We can tell you're knocked up even before you ovulate!" tests and were not surprised to see a bfn for month 71. Hubby tried to stay upbeat with the old "It's still too early" try, but in my heart I could feel the end coming.

This morning, my temp took a dump. I feel like af will be here any moment. I have stuffed my backpack to the brim with emergency supplies and I am ready to face the battlefield again. I have not cried. I will not cry. Not yet.

The silver lining - because every maxi has one- is that it looks as though we will make it to 14 dpo. That is an absolute miracle to me. I'm jaw dropped that my body actually did what it was supposed to for once. It's a shame it couldn't follow through and keep little Sheldon safe and secure for a while.

Perhaps, next month Sheldon can stay a bit longer. Maybe he had something important to do before he settled in for a long stay. It just wasn't time.

This is the decision part of the cycle. We always make the same decision, but I think we discuss options just so we can feel a little bit of control. I think we want to tell the heavens that we don't have to try if we don't want to. We will discuss a break for the holidays, then we will discuss the fabulous cycles. We will revisit cycles from the past and how horrible they have been. Then we will call the doc and begin round 4.

I don't understand why so many people come to our house and visit with us. We are truly becoming very predictable, boring, old farts that don't even have any kids to distract you from our nose picking entertainment...

Dear heavenly forces,

It is no secret that during this holiday season my family is hurting. The wound we all share is deep and very sore right now. I'm not the only one that has noticed the fragility of life lately. Our lives have become a ticking clock, counting down the hours till our family is changed irreversibly.

It is so painful to see my mother hurt so much as she faces the future of her parents. My heart aches each time I imagine my grandfather's face, so weary. Tears flood my eyes each time I realize my grandfather will no longer do certain things. He will never go to church again. He will never see my home. He will never drive to the barber shop with the neat swirly pole.

Even our youngest member, whether intentional or sixth sensed, shows signs that she is hurting. Her photo albums, usually stuffed to the brim with family pets, favorite places, and lunch room moments with silly friends, is now replaced with many pictures of us. She has pictures of my sister, brother, and I. She keeps pictures of her family even when they do have her stinky brother in them. Once you pass all of those happy photos, you will find towards the back, a desperate attempt to hold on to her Grandfather. She has blurry pictures and red tinted ones. She has Christmas photos that have been snuck from the big family album. In each one he is smiling and the twinkle in his eye outshines everyone else in the photo.

As Christmas approaches, there is a weight that presses down on all of our hearts. My parents are scrambling to finish renovations so that he can visit their home and spend a holiday with them one more time. My grandfather was a master carpenter and his approval of my parents' handiwork has become top priority.

I too feel a weight of responsibility. This is why I am writing. I want so badly to at least let him know that his family is growing. I think he would like to know that. I understand that it may be too late for him to hold a new family member, but I want him to at least know one is coming.

I also feel that a new life coming into our family could be so helpful for us all. With a new life comes hope and light. My hope is that he or she could help comfort us and help us heal. In no way would he or she take the place of any vacant spots. In no way would he or she distract us from an empty seat, but I do think it would make things more bearable at least. I worry about my mother and I can see a new little one as a way to keep her smiling. I see the same for my grandmother. I can see myself looking for that familiar twinkle as my little one wakes in the mornings.

So, to the powers that be, I beg of you, please help our family. Please let us receive this miracle as you prepare to take another back home. I understand I suppose, if you tell me it isn't time. I will wait once again with a sincere attempt at patience. Still, if you would at least consider how this tiny Sheldon could help our family perhaps you will see what I see.

Happy 12dpo Sheldon

To Pee or Not to Pee

This is always the worst part of the wait.

This is that time that you hear all those stories about people testing and getting beautiful double lines of joy or getting negatives until a month after af was due. At one time, I was in the crowd that peed from 7dpo all the way up to af's appearance. I can't do that anymore. I was a mess. I ended up turning into a mushy ball of anxiety laden disappointment and tears.

Now, I try to go with the "As long as I don't know, I am so let's just never find out!" philosophy. I avoid those little sticks as if they were chock full of ebola or something. The thought of peeing makes my knees shake a bit. Thing is, up until this point, I've never truly made it this far with a good reason to test. Usually, I end up later than I thought I should be, and I test once a week for a month before giving up and asking for provera to come clean up my mess.

I am 11dpo today and I will admit that my chart has given me some serious curiosity as to the state of my uterus. When do I break down and get a test? If I get an early test, will it really show anything early? I've never really believed in those. I don't want to start school next week without knowing though. I don't know why. It makes no difference, but having a work free day to myself when I find out just seems so much nicer.

Of course, every single time I decide maybe I should go at least buy a test or two, trepidation sets in and I can't move. I hate the fear of finding another negative. I don't want to tilt the heavenly forces either way at this point and that whole just wait and see idea seems so much safer.

Oh internets... why does this have to be so darn hard?!?!

Tiny Victories

We're here today. Sheldon and I are here together. Still.

Our Thanksgiving was brought to a close last night with a quiet stillness in the dark. I lie awake reflecting on the day's events. The kids (not so much kids anymore) enjoyed a new found bond together as we played games and laughed together about the same things. The "adults" sat in the other room, a football game playing in the background, as they smiled at memories of holidays past. They watched us mirror many of the same things they shared as children years before. I noticed that I wasn't the only "kid" that paused in silent reflection, watching the generations move onward right before our eyes. The childlike sense of immortality erased from our eyes as we acknowledged that some of us will go and others will come.

It is a surreal feeling. That feeling that you are responsible for keeping the wheel turning. That feeling that as you turn the wheel to welcome new family in, others will leave. My grandfather has never looked so fragile. He looked like a child sitting in his wheelchair oblivious to the conversations and events going on around him. Still, he was peaceful as he watched us all laugh. A couple of times I even saw that familiar twinkle flash in his eyes.

On the way home, my husband remarked "I had no idea he was so sick." Hubby's work schedule has prevented him from being with me on most of my recent visits and he has not witnessed the avalanche of decline over the past few months like the rest of us. It is heartbreaking to see, but a reality we all must face, holding each other up and helping him through the final parts of his journey.

As slept crept upon me, I whispered a blessing over each face that I cherished last night. At the end I stopped and whispered a very secret and sacred blessing for one tiny face that I have not seen yet. I am very blessed and thankful to know that we have gotten so far this cycle. It is a small victory that no matter the outcome has brought us one more step closer to meeting the face we pray and hope to see so desperately.

I have decided that I need to start acknowledging the little victories more. I need to celebrate each and every one as if it were a major milestone. Sheldon is here with us today and that is what we will focus on today. Tomorrow we will celebrate tomorrow. No matter the outcome, I am blessed with this little egg that has reminded me to focus on the right things again in my journey for a child and every day life as well....

Happy 10 dpo Sheldon. We've never made it this far!

A Miraculous Weepy Turkey Day... I hope

Happy Turkey Day!

I love this day so much! I know that it is Thanksgiving and I should be all reflective and mushy, but truthfully, my favorite part about this day has nothing to do with the holding of hands and stuffing of dead birds. My favorite part is that this marks the beginning of Christmas! I woke up at about 5 am this morning to the beautiful sound of Christmas music on my radio. I smiled and went back to sleep dreaming happily of all those sugar plums.

This morning we have gotten to talk to Hubby's parents via web cam and enjoyed a several minute long conversation with our four year old nephew while we marvelled at how much he has grown in the past few months. He's such a funny kid and I miss watching him grow up terribly.

We both managed to get up by 8am and have been lazily chatting and piddling all morning. I am starving at the moment and I am trying to convince Hubby to grab us a bite to eat as well as a few necessary items I need to make the potatoes he has begged me to make all year for this day. He loves my cheesy garlic mashed potatoes, but my pcos hates them. My family usually doesn't do mashed potatoes on Turkey Day, but this year with his insistance, we're gonna give it a try.

Afer yesterday, anything is possible! I cleaned up yesterday morning and Hubby came in from work at around 11am. Shortly after, his packages arrived and a cardboard factory threw up in my living room. He had stuff strewn all over. Our lunch was delivered and Hubby almost couldn't open the door for all the crap he had everywhere. During lunch we watched the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 and the weeping began. I cried through that entire movie. I don't normally cry through movies, but this time, we feared drowning before the movie's end.

After the movie, Dan and Dot announced they would be over to the house with the baby in about twenty minutes. I got frantic. I had to re clean the whole house. Hubby was being a man and didn't help very much which got me really stirred up. We had run out of drinks at the house and that got to me and then Hubby mentioned supper. I couldn't take it anymore. I started sobbing. I melted into a hysterical mess just as they walked in the door. I hid in the bedroom and wept for half an hour. I've never in my life done anything like that. It embarrassed me so much and I felt awful for being so silly. I managed to shower, redress, and pull myself together to enjoy what turned into a pretty fun night.

I knew clomid made me sort of weepy, but yesterday was bizarre. It isn't over yet either. I had already cried in excitement over Christmas songs this morning and at the sight of our nephew twice before 9am. It is going to be a loooong day!

I will have to say that whatever is going on can just keep going though. I will be perfectly content to spend the next nine months weeping uncontrollably if it will bring us a child. So far the girls haven't been very sore. This morning they are achy, but nothing too bad like normal. I haven't had many nauseous instances this time either which is unusual. My gums are bleeding a lot, but I'm not sure if that means anything this early in the game. As far as smells and such, I am just now getting to the point where I can breathe again so smelling and tasting just isn't happening. There has been much achy, crampy sort of stuff going on so af could knock on the door at any moment.

Regardless of symptoms and such this has still been a miraculous cycle for us! I am at 9dpo today with a beautifully high temp this morning. My chart, although a bit rocky due to some fluctuation in my sleeping and such, is just gorgeous in my opinion. If things hold off until tomorrow like my temps indicate they should, this will be the longest luteal phase I have managed yet! I pray our little guy is digging in for a long winter's stay.

Happy Turkey Day Sheldon!

The goo has infested the title center of my brain...

I am a terrible horrible no good rotten blogger lately. Today I have started about five new posts and unfortunately none of them made the cut. Why? Well I have the "goo." No not the flu, not a cold, the "goo." That is the only way I can describe that icky sick that I get each year about this time. It is sort a mixture of all the sick kids I work with I guess. This time my body has been working super hard to fight it off. It started a couple of months ago. I would wake up with a sore throat or cough and by bed time it would be gone and I would be fine. Sometimes, it would linger a couple of days with a runny nose or something very minute and insignificant. On Friday, it finally took hold of my little sinuses and decided to throw a huge disco party complete with the thumpin' dj that took up residence in my skull.

I think I know what happened.

I think that my whole body was so entranced and awed over my beautiful little "Sheldon" that they didn't notice the onslaught of attack. If that is the case, I don't mind. I am very proud of him too. I just pray and pray that this time he (or she) hangs around and signs a full 9 month lease!

Okay, enough about the eggie, although I have a very ridiculous but upsetting question I need answered later. I thought I would show you all my Christmas present! My hubby, tech guru that he is, was determined to steer me away from the peaceful serenity of a new and much larger fish tank and direct me to a very outlandish and extravagant new camera. I didn't mean to show it to him, but once he saw it, he decided that it would be mine.

My current camera is great. It takes great clear pictures and works fine for the silly things around here that I photograph. What brought all of this up was my frustration with the coloring of my photos when I put one up for show and tell. No matter how much I fiddle with white balance and shutters and all that jazz, my pics still have this eerie yellow look or a shocking spot light in the eyes sort of look. I went to check out reviews on an upgrade for my current camera and the site popped up this...

I immediately began to drool, and clicked on it to see what it could do. Of course Hubby comes bouncing in about that time with a "Whatcha doin?" The next words..."Ohhhh..." And that is how it started. He knew I would absolutely love it but the price tag made me want to throw up. I've never had anything that nice before or that expensive. I told him I didn't really want it and thought that was that. Wrong!

He kept bringing it up. He would gripe about the lack of space for a fish tank although I have already determined that I want it to sit on my kitchen counter to take Camille the Fish of Death's current spot. I am hoping by moving her to a more depressing spot in the house like our bathroom, perhaps she will lose her will to swim and die. But, anyhow... This morning, he pulled up the "e"vil bay and started looking. I told him I would never agree to it. He managed to find a Canadian version that was two hundred dollars cheaper. He asked if I wanted it and I said "Well of course I do but I don't want you to buy it." He clicked here and there "looking at what came with it" then he said "Let's just click buy so we can see how much total it would be..." Before I could say no, he had already clicked confirm purchase and with a smug grin turned to me to say "You should be able to take some amazing pictures of our turkey this year!"

**** As mentioned above, this is so silly I guess, but has anyone gotten pregnant while they were sick? I have been so so so weepy this week and I keep having this huge worry that my body will be too busy fighting off the sick for things to work.

Well actually, I keep imagining Sheldon down there going "Look at the mess she has going on in here! I'm not gonna put up with this for 9 months! I'm outta here!"

I'm pretty sure it's a bit irrational, but if someone could help me out and put my heart at ease, life would be easier.

C'mon lil' eggie!

According to my chart I am 3dpo. I ovulated on day 20 this time which is a far cry better than day 30. I have some beautiful red lines staining my chart now and although it isn't the most beautiful chart I have in my arsenal, it is starting to come very close!

Sheldon,

Do your thing!!!! We have 11 days...

Keep it up!

Whatever you all are doing right now seems to be working! Keep whatever you have crossed and continue to send up every thought and prayer you have been sending! My temps have risen beautifully for the past two days. One more rising temp and I will see those beautiful red lines I think.

Oh how I hope it works this time.

I have refused any and all efforts to get me to settle on a Christmas present this year. Every conversation I have with anyone about it ends in tears. There is only one thing on my list this time and no one can pick one up at their local Wally or mall.

Time to Cluck!!!!

Oooo! I am so excited! There is no one else in the whole world that I could share this with either. You ladies always understand even the smallest silliest victories.

This afternoon when I got home I discovered the sign! I just want to jump up and down and skip around the whole town giddy with excitement!

This morning I was so worried after looking at my chart. I was disappointed and afraid that Clomid wasn't working the way we had hoped. The doc was very hopeful that with an increased dosage I would ovulate earlier and stronger. He has been very positive and certain that clomid would be just what we needed to get my body working. I of course have had many moments of doubt and fear. As each day ticks by I find myself getting more and more discouraged...until today!!!!!

This may be the grossest thing I have ever posted and for that I apologize, but darn it, you just can't call your mom up and be all.... "Leaping fish sticks mom! I have egg whites in my underpants!" I hate to admit that the doc is right, but I won't complain about his winning streak at all! The only time this ever happens is when I truly ovulate. I can count on one hand without using all my digits the number of times this has happened in six years. Last month it happened but it was so late in the game with a very short waiting period. This time it is right in range!!!!

I think I am going to go and prepare the nest. I am going to cook us an awesome supper too and perhaps pick out a movie for us to watch. Yay! I knew I could whip those ovaries into shape one way or another!

Thank you all for sharing in my silliness. I know you are all out there smiling and nodding your heads in understanding and support and it makes all of this a little easier to bear. Cross your fingers, pray, and wish on every star you see. Maybe this time it will work...

Blob

Don't think I didn't notice those menacing stares you were giving me last night as I went to bed early. I saw them! I know I have been a terrible blogger lately. I can feel the anger and resentment radiating out of your eyes right down into my soul. Still, I find the task of settling down in front of a computer for anything a very daunting and impossible task. I'm sorry that you have been forced to suffer for six more days without me and that I have missed yet another show and tell. I promise I will do better!

I knew that upping the dose of Clomid would mean more side effects. I was prepared I thought. I had visions of walking around with a barf bag attached to my face like a horse's feed bag. I doubled the number of ice packs I stashed in the freezer and tried to come up with a creative way to slip them into my shoes so that I didn't leave a wake of fiery flames every where I went. I added some extra migraine meds to my bag and stocked up on tissues in every room for the tears that were certain to fall.

I was an idiot. I was not prepared at all. I had no idea what I would feel like. If I had known, I would have taken the next month off at work and hidden in a nice icy cave somewhere until a positive pee stick brought me out to dance victoriously on those evil blister packed devil pills!

Ok, truthfully, it hasn't been that bad. The cranky has taken over this time which is new. I have had a few headaches, but I always have those. The nausea hasn't really hit yet. It will be another week or so before I have to fight that battle although, I am already dealing with it a bit and I fear what the next couple of weeks have in store for me. The hot flashes? Well let's just thank the heavens now for all this cold weather lately! It has helped a bit that the puddle of tears freeze in my shoes and keep my toes nice and frosty.

The crying has been ridiculous this month. A lot. I cry about silly things. I hate it. I am not a crier. Well, normally. Hubby mentioned my sister this week and I thought about not being able to see her the past few weeks (she's in college two hours away) and I started sobbing like a little kid right there in the car. I also made the dumb mistake of watching Homeward Bound with one of my kindergarten classes. I didn't even make it to the sad parts! I started sobbing the moment the little white doggie raised his ears and tilted his head to the side. The kids thought Ms. Arian was a total dork.

With all of that being said, the most horrible side effect has been my sleep. I cannot sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. I was wondering if anyone else had dealt with any sleep issues on clomid. With the 50mg the worst I had were a few middle of the night wake ups and some seriously bizarre dreams. This go round, the weird dreams are a bit stranger but I can manage that. I just make sure to ask my mom each morning when she picks me up for work if I am wearing a shirt and pants. The lack of sleep however, is killing me. Last night I literally keep tally of each hour passing as I slept. I didn't even intend to do it, but I would wake up, look at the clock and say, "There's the 1am mark.....this must be 2am.....sigh...3am..." and so on until 8am this morning. It wasn't each hour on the hour or anything, but there was a moment in each hour that I was awake staring at my clock begging my eyes to shut and for sleep to take over again.

The result? I fell asleep at about 2 o'clock this afternoon and slept off and on until about 5. Now I have a terrible headache.

I feel like a blob. A tearful, cranky, hot as fire blob that could hurl at any moment!

Vacation needed!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week! Truth is, I don't see how I have managed to get half of what I have accomplished lately. Clomid has kicked my butt! Hard! I am just worn out.

What a coincidence that all of a sudden I have people coming at me from all directions with things they need me to do. Realize I said "need" not "want." Apparently I have a lot to offer lately. Unfortunately, by the time I get everything they need finished, there is no time for me to catch my breath.

Hubby has his Christmas present already. He got one of those rock star setups for his xbox. We have had more people over at our house this week than we have in six months I think! He has also rotated shifts which is kinking my routine. I love having him at home at night, but the flow of things is totally off. Not to mention, our alarm clock is trying to die on us, so waking up on time right now is a bit of a hit or miss. We're just trying to float it along a few more days until we can find time to get a new one.

I've got things going on at school and church this week too. It has kept me scurrying around frantically. I am out of the house by 7:15 each morning and don't come home until about 8:30 at night. It wouldn't be so bad I guess if things weren't so hectic that I rarely have time to sit and eat or collect my thoughts.

The whirlwind will end soon though and I am enjoying myself in the meantime. I'm just exhausted. It has been rather interesting trying to throw even a moment of baby making magic into the mix. At one point last night I just stopped and burst out laughing at the craziness of it all. It just had to be this week didn't it?

Please forgive me. I'm holding on by my fingernails right now! If ever there were a time to get stranded on a deserted island....

Terrified

I started Round 3 today. I just pray that today is no indication of what is in store!

I had a difficult time sleeping last night and ended up with only four or five hours before getting up to go to work, with kindergarteners, on a Monday! I knew it was bad when I woke up and tears immediately began to stream down my face. I've been so weepy lately. I do not understand it! I'm not a weepy gal, but lately...grrr! I should also add in here that I ran out of Metformin on Thursday and because of the new recept lady and my doc being out of office and our small town pharmacy being closed on Sunday, I could not get my script filled until today.

Once I got to school, my mood was unbearable. I didn't even want to be near me! I teetered between tears and frustrated anger all morning. Can you say mood swings??? I decided it was best to go on home for the day and get my medicine. I was hoping that a restful day at home and my medicine would be all it took.

Once home, hubby and I just spent the day lounging around and relaxing. I still felt a bit off kilter but nothing too bad. Dan stopped by for a little while later in the day and we all talked for a good while. After he left, Hubby decided to take a nap and I pulled out my latest crochet project.

About half an hour later, I heard someone's car alarm. This is not unusual in our complex, but after a couple of minutes, I got up to check and see. I peered out our window and almost had a heart attack. There was a man standing under our window leaning on a vehicle and making the alarm go off over and over. He grinned, waved, and set it off again.

I tried to wake Hubby and called my parents at the same time. I tend to be a bit hypervigilant sometimes so I thought a call to them would be best. Seconds after my mom got on the phone, someone knocked on our door. I totally freaked! Hubby was still in a daze so I called Dan. They live really close and I figured if he drove by and thought things looked odd out there, he and Hubby would take care of it. During this time, the guy set the alarm off a few more times.

Dan and Hubby immediately confronted the guy and Hubby came back up to tell me to call the police. I can not tell you how scared I was. The officer that answered was a jerk. I try to be as nice as I can in those situations but he stopped me at one point and said "Ma'am, you are safe in your home, I don't see what the problem is." The word "rage" can't come near to what I felt in that moment. I took a deep breath and said "Ten years ago, I was stalked and attacked while safe in my home, and you all couldn't get the guy. It should be crystal clear what the problem is!" He immediately cut the sarcasm and sent someone out.

The guy's story was weird and didn't explain what he was doing at our building. He was looking for someone. The police took him to a hotel and told us to be sure and call if he came back, especially if he got in his vehicle. They think he is an illegal, but can't do much until they catch him in the act of driving or something. I don't know.

Needless to say, I will be spending a very sleepless night huddled up in the living room with Hubby and the pups, straining to hear every twig snap outside. I've not been this scared or shaken up in years. Part of me wants to think that this guy just crossed the wrong person, but part of me remembers what happened ten years ago. I want so badly to fall asleep right now and pretend this was all a horrible nightmare but I know sleep will be so hard to find tonight. I can't imagine going to work tomorrow morning. On the other hand, that is how this day started, trying to get a restful day off...

Who says we need kids?

We had almost as much fun dressing up Parker and Zina!

Head on over to Mel's now and see who else is showing in class today!

Move on.

It is wonderful to have so much love and support from all of you when things like this happen. Thank you for being there.

I called today about starting up round three and the doc wasn't in. He will call me tomorrow with my meds. This leaves me with no metformin though. During Halloween!!!!! Jerks! I'm gonna enjoy the day anyhow!

Halloween is a tough holiday for me. I love it. I love dressing up and enjoying the cool air. I love the pumpkins and that electric snap of fall that floats around. Most of all, I love seeing the fun that the kids have as they dress up and parade around taking full advantage of the opportunity to pretend to be someone else for a day. Since being married, I haven't been able to make it through one single Halloween without tears. This year will be very hard. Finding out two days before that all of our hopes have once again been crushed and put on hold will make seeing all of their rosey little cheeks and hearing their squeals of delight so hard to take.

We had considered shutting our door this year, but I can't bear to do it. We have before. All it did was amplify the emptiness in our own home as the laughter floated in from the children outside. Hubby will be here this year which is a first, and hopefully he will have as much fun as I do. I am going to allow myself to be sad and I have given myself permission to cry anytime I want to.

I've not been this sad about a cycle in a long time and I am having a really difficult time with the tears. Last night I was watching a television show and tears started pouring down my face. It had nothing to do with the show. I think my mind just wandered and my heart needed a release. Getting out of bed the past two days has been agony. I didn't want to go to school and see all the kids. It hurt too much. I wanted to just curl up in a dark corner of our room and cry every last tear I had.

I know that isn't the thing to do though. Truth is, as hard as it is to be around the kids during a time like this, I need them so much. They really do help heal my heart. Most of the time they don't realize that their love gets me through a day. A hug, a simple offer to help, the way their faces light up when I come into their class; it lifts me up and helps me move on.

This was month number 70 for us. We have been fighting this battle that long. I'm sick of it. I just don't want to do it anymore. The anxiety, fear, disappointment, hope, waiting, it is all just too much. But just as I start to give up, I imagine a life without any tiny face looking up at me and my heart starts pounding loudly in my ears. I just can't allow my heart to go there. Someway, there must be a child in our lives.

I will go out today and restock my cabinet with Al.ways and Tamp.ax. I will buy candy and finish up my Halloween costume, eager to surprise my kids tomorrow. In between school and trick or treating, I will pick up prescriptions and prepare my body and heart for another go at this mess. And then I will fill my face with chocolate and pout as I look towards month 71.

On to Round 3

There just aren't any words for how I feel right now.

And we wait some more

I am having such a hard time with things right now.

This is month 70 in our ttc journey.

Friday will mark 14dpo. Halloween, how appropriate.

Every time I think about it, I become nauseous. I just can't deal with it. The sense of dread I have is suffocating me and I want to hide away from it all right now. The idea of facing another diappointment is too much to bear, but my heart won't allow me to think about the possibilities lest I have a hopeful moment.

This time around, the symptoms have been more pronounced, but I know that is more likely because my body is cooperating for once. I get nauseous and the girls are off limits to everyone, including air, and when possible, my bra. I am tired and I pee a lot (could just be the tea). There are lots of bloating, crampy, achy feelings "in there." I can sense autie flo hiding out in the bushes just waiting to pounce on all of my dreams once again, cackling as she settles in for a week of emotional torture.

Speaking of emotional torture... My first go with Clomid, I was pleasantly surprised to have slipped under the wire with the crankiness and mood swings. This time... not so lucky. There aren't any mood swings really, and I am not cranky or crabby with any particular people or events. I'm just in this funk. Some of it may be attributed to the whole waiting game, but not all of it. I feel almost like I am getting a bug or the flu kind of and I am in this weird funk of a mood. Then of course some adorable commercial comes on or someone says something to me and I melt into tears. I'm not a teary person and it gets sort of frustrating. However...

I would live in weepy tears for the entire time, I would welcome any and all nausea, bloating, cramping, and funk. I would embrace my sore girls with glee and nap my way through the fatigue. If...

A Candy Shop and a kid..Show and Tell

Today my dad's mother came to visit. It was the first time she had ever been to our house. We usually go to her or she goes to my parents' house and we visit there. This time Mom and Dad were out of town and our main goal was to go yarn shopping! Now, if you have been reading here very long, you will totally get what a major and super exciting day it was for me today! Not only did I get to hang out with my grandmother, but I got to buy yarn! Lots of yarn! And to top it all off, my grandmother and I share a passion for yarn, so for once, I had someone that I could browse and linger in every color style and texture with! It was awesome!

My grandmother was hilarious. She had only intended to buy a few baby dolls or bears to fit in her little bassinet purses that she crochets for her church's Christmas shoeboxes. In the end, she almost spent as much as I did, unable to pass up some embroidery patterns and yarn. She has never been to a craft store like that and her eyes sparkled with bliss as she walked past aisle after aisle of goodies and "candy." I am glad that it runs in the family somewhere and that I am not alone when my eyes glaze over and a goofy grin crosses my face.

I think for me, yarn is almost as much fun as making something. It is all about possibility and excitement over how it will turn out. You start with a few pieces and a lot of love. With patience and care, hopefully something wonderful begins to reveal itself right before your eyes. I love it!

I can't wait to settle down with a hook, some yarn, and the pups for company, in front of the television as I start a new creation! You should check out the shop and keep an eye out in the near future for some new things! Just follow the link at the top left side in purple ( I know. Shameful plug, but I gotta get it in there when I can)!

Here's a pic of my treasures for the day. I have already settled on a pattern and I am ready to start!

Combination lock

Since the beginning of my blogging experiences there have been countless posts and comments such as "Perhaps, if we get a new car, things will work out" or "He finally got a new job, so having a child should be ok now." Throughout life I have heard people say things like "Well, I guess he finally moved on so that their child could be born" and "Well, maybe now that they have gotten that stuff taken care of, they can have a child." Then there are my personal favorites and the ones I struggle with the most... "Don't be so negative, you'll jinx it" and "Well perhaps you were a little too confident this time."These things are most often spoken only in jest or without any true sincerity, but the result more often than not, leaves the recipient feeling paranoid and laden with failure.

Lately I find myself muttering things to myself, trying to explain why we haven't had our child yet. I know deep down that whether or not I have a large grandiose palace or a simple cozy apartment has nothing to do with my inability to conceive. Still, it helps I guess to imagine a world in which finding the correct combination in life is all it takes to open any lock. If Hubby loses a job or an unexpected bill comes up, I shrug with a sad "So, that was why it didn't work this time."

It wouldn't be so bad I suppose if I didn't follow up these thoughts with careful preparation and irrational fear that something will go wrong during a cycle causing the cosmic forces to stamp a big red "Denied" on my file once again. I plot and plan, wondering that perhaps we need a better car or bigger apartment. Maybe if I am a better person or discover the secrets to parenting, things will fall into place. Perhaps we just need to pick the right name or come to an agreement about a certain moral or value.

These thoughts have created a nasty cycle that leaves me feeling like a racing dog chasing the mechanical rabbit. I run as hard and fast as I can trying to outwit and snag an uncatchable target. I am left defeated, a lump of heartbroken tears. The sense of failure is suffocating sometimes and I find it hard to get up and try once more. I think Hubby has fallen victim to this a time or two as well. Once in a while a comment such as "Well, if it works this time do you think we can..." slips out and both of us sit there in an awkward fearful silence, praying that no one "up there" heard that and pulled out the big red stamp. Hubby teeters between "You shouldn't be so negative, it will seem as if we don't want one" and "Don't get all cocky and get your hopes up, you'll jinx it."

The feelings of failure and frustration lead us right back to the beginning as we wonder what we did wrong this time. "We were so sure and our timing was perfect. We prayed so hard and hoped so much. How could we have failed? It must be something we aren't doing right..." and thus the cycle continues.

I am battling demons with this cycle. We know that I ovulated this time and for once we are certain that our timing was great. I try to find a balance between hope and our track record. I want so much for things to work. I avoid looking at baby things, but at the same time I go out of my way when shopping to pass slowly by that department, wistfully looking in on a world that has locked me out.

Only time will tell of course. It seems that the only thing an infertile ever truly gets to do is wait. We wait to start and wait to try again. Maybe just maybe we found the combination this time...

Open for Business!

I set up a little shop. I have a few items on there so far and as things progress, I will add more. Let me know what you think, and if you have any questions or requests, just lemme know. I'm new at this so bear with me a bit!

The link for my shop is over in the side bar and here.

I also have an email address finally that is specifically for the blog!

fracturedrainbows at bellsouth dot net

The "weight" of things

My mother knows that we are on round 2 of clomid. I didn't mean for her to know, but like most things, it just sort of rolled off the tongue in conversation. As frustrated as I get with her sometimes, I feel like I desperately need her approval. Try as I may, there are few things that are kept quiet when it comes to my mom. She's the only person that I feel would not run away screaming in fear at the misgivings of my body. I do try to keep it muted, but I have decided that there is no relationship in the world like that of a mother and daughter.

This being said, I was talking to her during lunch break today about some random kid funniness, and she piped in completely off topic with, "You really have lost some weight." I never missed a beat and without thinking I popped in with "Oh that's the clomid. I winced, anticipating a lecture but instead she excitedly started talking about how quickly her weight dropped once my youngest sibling was born and the doctor could give her medication to throw her into a false menopause.

It's true. When pregnant, my mother lost forty pounds with me. Here's the kicker. I was an eleven pound baby! When her regular hormones had to kick back in, so did her weight struggle. Same thing happened with my sister and brother too (although they did not compare to my gargantuan size!). A couple of years after my brother was born I remember one summer that my mother dropped weight so quickly that people were concerned about her. She had no worries though. She felt better than she had for most of her adult life. After her hysterectomy, her body started doing what it should and she has said ever since that it was the best decision she ever made.

I have dropped about 15 pounds in the last couple of weeks. My skin and hair glow and my body just feels in sync. I have only been in this place a handful of times. It is such a rarity to feel like things are working properly and truth be told it is rather decadent. I am a bit sad to know that this is a short term thing for now and I dread the days of bloating and blotchy skin that will soon follow.

Right now I think I am just going to enjoy it and pray that my skin and waistline aren't the only things working the way they should. Oh how I pray. And wait...

Pass it on.. A Show and Tell

I am so excited about this post! I have been anxiously waiting all week, tormented because I am off for Fall Break and I wanted it to stretch out as long as possible at the same time. It is finally here and I hope it was worth the wait!

If you remember, earlier in the week I went to my grandmother's for the day. I showed up to her house with the skeleton makings of a Halloween costume and a sewing machine. I left with a costume and a car full of treasures! There were toys for the nursery, fresh and canned veggies, new sewing needles, and buttons.

As we chatted that day about sewing and crocheting, she suddenly jumped up and started digging through a cabinet, and then another. She finally let out a gleeful "There they are!" and proceeded to set before me a stack of magazines. Their delicate pages were yellowing around the edges and many of them were falling apart. It didn't matter to me. I carefully explored their pages occasionally coming across a page that would stir a memory for my grandmother and she would patter off again to find yet another treasure. These books were some of her crochet magazines. They were all dated before my mother was born (some before the 50's)! It was so much fun that day to watch her eyes light up as she found pattern after pattern that she herself had made so many years ago. She always knew where her treasures were tucked and would bring them in beaming with pride. She soon remembered another box stashed in the attic full of these books that she had subscribed to throughout my mother and aunt's childhood.

My grandfather even got in on the action and the stories were spun for me with love and joy. Then today as my mom and I perused antique stores, I ran accross some similar magazines from the 70's. I showed them to my mom and told her about the additional box in the attic. She smiled and her eyes glazed over in happy memories as she talked about my great grandmother and my grandmother sewing and crocheting things when she was little. It was amazing to feel such a strong sense of belonging and love as I was brought into a circle that included generations of our family. I pray that someday I will have a child to bring into our family's circle.

This first one is the oldest. It is dated 1945. It is so funny to see how popular these chair sets were back then!


This is a picture of the whole set. All 22! I can't believe how vibrant their colors are after so many years!




As we looked through the books that day, my grandmother sought out this pattern and then joyfully dug out a beautiful and delicate pair of slippers that she made. She still wears them sometimes around the house.


I absolutely adore the hat and purse patterns! I think I will have to use these patterns to make a few things if and when I ever get a little shop going.

Another picture of some of the fashions of the 50's. I got a kick out of the flowery sandals! Alicia would love these for her Friday shoe showcase!

So, that's it. I hope you had as much fun with them as I did. You should go check in at Mel's and see what else the class is showing today!